I thought I would save this post until after Valentine's Day to respect your right to celebrate. This year Valentine's Day came and went with barely a nod of recognition from me except for a few treats and special moments with my kids. It is the first year in as long as I can remember that I wasn't in a relationship and desperate for attention and validation on this biggest of the Hallmark holidays.In the past, Valentine's Day has been a big deal to me. My insecurities intact it was a day I felt my man could prove to me... More »

You may hate me. I am surprised but I really don't care if you do. I used to. A lot. Which is part of the reason my life was hell. I was trying so hard to get everyone's approval. But I'm not anymore and it is so damn liberating.I have done a ton of therapy and continue to reveal and examine parts of myself I never knew were there. Like the part of me that is brave and started this whole snowball in the first place. The part of me that crossed that line with Jackson. The part of me... More »

When I write here there are often strong reactions. When I share my situation, my mistakes and my feelings many people get angry. In fact, it can feel a bit like they have rallied the town together, armed with torches and pitchforks and in a wild frenzy they begin their witchhunt. And I am the witch. Their goal, their sole purpose, is to shut me down, with insults and judgment and imposed shame. To them I am that woman. I represent all that is wrong and shameful but they, of course, are everything that is right and moral.I know this isn't... More »

For a year I poured my heart and soul out here at Dirty Little Secrets on UrbanMoms. This past year was one of reflection, honesty, and fantasy. Of heartache, shame, and recovery. It was scandalous and it was tragic. It was the story of my life as I saw it. And maybe, sometimes, as I wanted it to be.It was a year of soul searching.It was a wonderful and horrible year of facing demons and confronting fears.It was a year of gut wrenching pain and life altering passion.It was a year of both devastating loss and unexplainable love. It was also... More »

Things finally blew up with Joel. One evening after the kids were in bed I decided we couldn't go on like this anymore. We hadn't spoken more than pleasantries for ages and when I tried to pin him down he would get up and leave saying, "just get better" as he walked away. I followed him around spraying him with questions, trying to force him to talk to me. "Are you really happy?""What are we going to do?""We can't go on this way."And finally, the real clincher, "This isn't really a marriage. We don't really love each other."That is when he blew."Who... More »

Well, the honeymoon is over. The peaceful days after my release from the hospital are gone as I have been gradually weaned off most of my meds. That numb oblivion has been replaced by my harsh reality. I am coming back to the realization that my life is a mess and I have no idea how to fix it. But at least this time I am determined to try. I will not go back to the lie I was living before. It nearly killed me.Joel has been pretty much all business with the exception of a few times when he... More »

I have been thinking a lot lately about love. Especially as it relates to, for lack of a better description, romantic love. We all know I have a lot to figure out and sorting through some of my feelings on this topic would certainly help. My therapist has encouraged me to relax and "just let the feelings come." I am to do this without judgement or reaction. I am to let them flow freely in and out of my mind, observing and taking note but not analyzing them. So, I get into my luxurious tub and introduce love into my consciousness. Sometimes... More »

After I left the hospital Joel and I decided that I would come home. At least for now. Truly, it was the only option. It is best for the kids and we have full-time care so I won't be alone. That was Joel's one condition, "Just in case." He explained. I have set up a little respite for myself in the guest area on the 3rd floor. It is a big open room with comfy furniture, high ceilings and wide open windows overlooking the back garden. It also has the world's most wonderful bathtub where I spend at least an hour... More »

Today I have a visitor. It will soon be time for me to go home. Where that is I have yet to figure out exactly, but I am on my way. But for today I am focused solely on one thing - my time with Jackson.I haven't seen Jackson since I came here. So much has happened that I don't really know how it will be. It must now be obvious to him that I am not that strong, artistic, witty older woman he fell for. Instead he must know that I was in fact the opposite, tired and weak... More »

I am feeling better. Well, that's not exactly true. In many ways I feel worse. The pain is greater and the reality of my situation is smothering. But at least I am feeling something. And often now there is clarity which is a change. I still get overwhelmed. The confusion and chaos take over. But now I can usually see it coming and escape with my little white pill. I know I am getting better because I don't want the escape anymore. I want my life back.I am still in the hospital but have been moved to a ward. I guess... More »