Dirty Little Secrets

I love you and you and you and you...

2013-03-14T03:18:22Z

Lisa Ling learns about polyamory on her show, OWN Our America. The show features a W - five individuals in a relationship together. The show doesn't outline the specific lines around each individual to the other individuals, but it's an interesting look at a unique relationship.

Can I see our relationship opening up to more people in the future? Possibly. At this point we're still sort of shell shocked that we've found one amazing person who's so well suited to have a relationship with the both of us (especially considering how different my husband and I are) that it's hard to imagine we'll find a third, fourth or fifth person who would fit in so harmoniously.

Where's that crystal ball when you want it?

Long time, no chat!

2013-03-07T15:22:15Z

The past four weeks have been crazy, and I've been delinquent in posting. We had family visiting from out of town and decided not to come out to them, putting a lot of stress on our trio. Not fun. But I'm back, and ready to keep posting again,and answering your questions.

In my last post I promised to address a few reader questions soon - that's today!

Sara asked, "Do you ever have extra-marital relationships that your husband disapproves of? Do you always choose females as your extra partners? How would your husband feel if you chose a man? Is their a difference in jealousy with man vs woman?"

We're currently in a closed triad. That means none of us are having relationships, sexual or sexual/emotional, with anyone else. Before our triad formed and closed up the shutters, all relationships or encounters were discussed before anything happened, in order for each of us to feel comfortable with it.

Previously I chose females as my partners. This was because there was less pressure, less risk, less unknowns, or at least, it felt like that to me. My husband was definitely happy I wasn't pursuing other men; however, if our trio ever opens up, the topic will be opened up again. He has pushed his boundaries in thinking about it, and so have I.

Is there a difference in jealousy between men and women? Maybe. I think my husband feels a very primal, gut feeling jealous reaction to the idea of me with another man, a reaction he doesn't experience thinking about me and another woman. I used to feel that way about him and another woman - and to be honest, I do sometimes still feel that feeling. But I've identified it as fear based, and it's not something I welcome into my life and emotions, and I actively work to push fear and jealousy out of my life.

My Story

2013-02-11T21:59:26Z

Last week I asked you what you wanted from this blog. You let me know that you wanted to hear more about how things are working for us, every day.

When I first began this blog I talked about swinging and casual encounters, as that's what we had the most experience in in the past. However, this year one of my friendships developed into something more with both my husband and I, and we now form a polyfidelitous triad. That means we're not open to other people, long term or casual, at the moment. I'm faithful to my husband and girlfriend, she to us, he to us, so on and so on.

I found a great Q&A with a triad that is very similar to our situation, and I'd like to answer a few of the questions from my last post.

Do you anticipate making your girlfriend a permanent part of your relationship? What if one of you wants to break up with her, but the other doesn't?

We hope this is permanent - but life changes, right? There's the potential for myself and my girlfriend to decide to discontinue the relationship, or my husband and her, and we hope we can handle it with maturity and love, but that's definitely an unknown.

Do you ever get jealous if your girlfriend and husband choose to have a "date" without you and does your husband get jealous if the reverse is true?

Yes, sometimes. Sometimes jealousy rears its ugly head if one person is feeling like the balance of love isn't working out evenly at the end of a week or few weeks, but we talk about it and try to make everyone happy.

How did you meet your third partner? How do you broach the subject of whether they'd like to be an extra partner in a preexisting family?

It just ... happened. She was a friend, she knew we were open to the idea of it, and she expressed interest. Our love for each other changed, and a love between my husband and her developed.

Do you ever have extra-marital relationships that your husband disapproves of? Do you always choose females as your extra partners? How would your husband feel if you chose a man? Is their a difference in jealousy with man vs woman?

I'm saving these answers for next week! They're part of a larger discussion for sure.

Ask me Anything

2013-01-29T16:50:31Z

I'm struggling with what to write about these days. The problem is that I'm unsure of who my audience is. Are you reading this blog because you're poly and want to hear my thoughts on some of the highlights and challenges? Are you wondering whether the poly lifestyle, or a swinging one, is an option for you? Are you simply curious about how it all works?

I'd like to hear from you. Post your questions or thoughts!

What to Tell the Children

2013-01-18T16:51:19Z

A few weeks ago someone asked me if we were "out" with our kids.

We aren't, yet. It's a topic we talk about frequently, as my eldest is 9 and becoming more aware of the interactions of the people around her.

We're not out with our kids because we're not out with our families. And as every parent knows, you really can't tell young kids anything you wouldn't want retold to their daycare lady, their teacher, your grandparents, etc.

We've talked about when would be the right time to come out to our families. When a close friend of mine came out of the closet I do remember feeling sad that I wasn't one of the first to know, that she hadn't trusted me to accept her 100%. But, I don't trust that they'll accept this. We've decided time might help prove this isn't some passing fad, that we're serious and that this might make it easier for them to accept.

Once we are out to our family, we'll be out to our kids.

Which begs the question, am I ok with teaching my kids that monogamy is simply one way of choosing to love, and not the only way?

Yes. I hope to model strong, healthy, respectful love, and that's what I hope they take away from my relationships. I hope they can apply it to their relationships, whether they choose to enter into monogamous or non-monogamous relationships.

Being Unreasonable

2013-01-11T16:56:13Z

"Your crazy is showing."

It's phrase I use sometimes with myself when I know I'm being unreasonable about something. I'd actually like to choose a different word than crazy, but haven't settled on the right one (suggestions?).

What it means to me is that we all have ideas, thoughts, desires, etc., that we know are crazy, unreasonable, untrue, etc. Those thoughts that say we're unloveable because we're ten pounds over our ideal weight. When we think our partner may not love us (despite year of evidence that they do) because of one offhand comment or perceived slight.

If you've been with your partner for a long time, they've seen your crazy. They know your particular brand of unreasonable thoughts, and hopefully know how to help you hide the crazy away, or better yet, eliminate them entirely.

Some friends will have seen your crazy too, but it seems like the deep dark insecurities and irrationalities are saved for our long time partners. Having not dated, I have no experience exposing my crazy to new people on a regular basis.

Until now. Opening up our marriage to a third person hasn't just meant opening up our bedroom doors, but opening up our minds too. If my partners do or say something I have a problem with, I can't simply talk it over with my husband alone. We are in this together, and discussions need to be open for this to work fairly for all. If I have a request, such as not wanting them to go to certain restaurant together or be "out" in front of a certain person, I need to discuss it with both of my partners, not just my husband. There's no hiding the crazy.
Wanting to be fair to everyone has meant knowing I need to share my issues, even if they do shine a big spotlight on my insecurities. But in the end, I see the good in it. I now have two people who can help me see how silly it is to worry about my weight excessively or get worked up over the fact that they like the same music that I don't.

A side effect about being more talkative about my issues with our new partner is that I'm finding it easy to have more authentic and honest conversations with other people in my life, like my friends. Turns out, there's a lot more crazy in all of us than we would normally admit.

Get a room

2013-01-03T16:32:51Z

Did you hold your sweetheart's hand shopping on Boxing Day this year? Lay an arm behind them on the couch on Christmas Eve while you chatted with your parents? Stole a quick kiss without being terrified that someone might see you?

I did, and I didn't. I could only do so with one of my two partners, and it sucked.

This year, my husband and I have welcomed a third person into our relationship. She's funny and smart and beautiful, and we both care for her very much. We don't think of her as a third, as someone disposible or extra - she's extremely important to us as a friend and a lover. But to the outside world, to our family and friends, she's just a friend. Not someone I should be holding hands with at the mall, or that my husband should be kissing whem the ball drops at midnight.

It was excruitating to have to limit our contact with her when friends and family were around.

All three of us are affectionate people who have always expressed their love through hand holding and ass smacking and frequent touching, so I don't think it's the flush of new relationship energy making us want so much contact. Especially at Christmas, when everyone is expressing their love so openly with parents and children and friends and spouses.

Have you ever had to keep love hidden? Maybe a partner you knew other people wouldn't approve of, for reasons valid or not? Because of the logistics of ex-wives or custody battles or because of alternative lifestyle reasons? Does it get easier?

Where my poly people at?

2012-12-28T15:22:02Z

I started questioning monogamy as early as high school, and that was basically before the Internet. It was extremely difficult to find out anything about non-traditional relationships, and I certainly couldn't find anything online that would lead me to real life people. It wasn't until I was in university that I discovered sites like Adult Friend Finder that would lead us to people to hook up with for sex. It wasn't until Facebook that I discovered people I could hook up with strictly for conversations about sex and relationships.

If you're turning the idea of swinging or poly over in your head, online research and reading articles and message boards are great, but in person discussions are definitely where I've learned the most. Try searching your local city for a a message board where you can learn if there is a Facebook group, as they do tend to be hidden or secret groups for obvious reasons.

There are a number of local Facebook groups for poly people in my city, and many of them hold discussion nights or mingling nights, specifically meant for chatting, educating new people about poly, etc.

There are a few people in the poly Facebook group I'm in that I look up to as my poly guides in a way. They've directed me to excellent resources about specific poly issues, like couple privilege, that are very relevant to me. Sometimes, you just need someone to talk to, face to face, when you're facing issues that are scary or exciting and online doesn't always cut it.

Honesty is the best policy. Except when it's not.

2012-12-18T04:27:47Z

My husband and I are completely honest with each other,about everything. And we're very open and honest with the partners we've had. We think it's the foundation to successful open relationships - truthfulness.

And yet, I lie to some of the people in my life I love most.

I lie to my mother when she asks what bar I went to on a Friday night. I'm not about to tell her it was a swinger's club. I lie to my father when I tell him my husband is at hockey, when really he's at his girlfriend's house. Mostly, it's the lie of omission. Not mentioning that my girl friend was actually, you know, my girlfriend.

You remember that pride you would get in a new relationship, introducing your loved one as your boyfriend or girlfriend? Or when you got engaged, how thrilling it was to say, "This is my fiancee," rather than girlfriend, partner, etc.? In our relationship it's rare that we can be so open and honest.

I'd like the world to be more acceptable of unusual love arrangements between consenting adults, but it's not there yet.

Is Poly a Choice?

2012-12-06T22:30:57Z

There's been some debate recently, spurred by sex columnist Dan Savage, who identifies himself as monogamish, about polyamory being a choice. That you choose to act poly, not simply are poly. Savage had expressed his opinion that it was a choice, and was soundly thumped by members of the poly community. There are a few great letters from poly people in his column that he handed over for rebuttals.

For us, we've come to the realization that we are poly, the same way I'm bisexual, and you might be straight or gay or asexual or something in between. Do you feel wired to want the love of just one romantic partner? Does the thought of your partner being in love with someone in addition to you not compute in the slightest, or fill you with white hot jealousy and rage?

We're not wired that way. We're wired to accept and give love from more than one partner, if the opportunity arises. This doesn't mean we need a half dozen relationships on the go, or that we can't be happy with just a single relationship or are unable to have a long term relationship.

A commentor on another of my blog posts here wrote that, "The sign of a real commitment and a true marriage is that we don't act on it." referencing not stepping outside marriage for love or intimacy. That's simply not my description of a real commitment and true marriage at all. I know plenty of faithful couples who treat each other with disrespect, aggression, condescension or anger. Sure, they don't sleep with other people. But is that a true marriage? Not in my books.

For me, a true marriage is one in which honesty and respect are core values of the partnership. Where there is honesty, there is plenty of talking, there is kindness, there is care and concern, there is respect. The monogamous might choose to add sexual and emotional exclusivity to that list. I just ... don't.

Ultimately we should all strive to achieve our own vision of a real commitment and true marriage, no? I'm sharing my vision, that's all. I'm not justifying or recruiting, just sharing.

Will my Marriage Thrive, Survive or Die?

2012-12-03T21:19:01Z

The truth is, I don't know. The story of our relationship isn't written yet. I suspect it has about as good a chance as any marriage. Couples break up because of basic personality conflicts, stress over money, work or kids, cheating, or simply falling out of love. Having an open marriage is no more a death sentence for our love than having a baby was. Some couples break up when a new element is introduced into their marriage while others don't. It's a simple as that.

I know couples who never strayed from faithfulness and still ended up in divorce. I know couples that blame their breakup on swinging. I know acquaintances of my parents who really enjoyed the 1970s, and rumours of their wild key parties are legendary. They're celebrating 50 years of marriage soon, and are the sweetest, most devoted elderly couple you'll ever meet.

I'm not 17 anymore. If I meet someone I have a crush on, I know it's lust, not love. And if it moves into love, that's ok too. I might find someone I feel is a better partner for me, and not want to be with my husband anymore. Will he fall in love with someone else and want to leave me? That's a possibility. But I see it as a possibility in traditional marriages too. My husband might work closely with a co-worker and develop feelings towards her. It's not a problem that's unique to swinging or open marriages.

Am I deluding myself and setting myself up for failure? I don't think I'm any more deluding myself or destined for disaster any more than a monogamous couple is. It's clear that monogamy does not guarantee a successful marriage. Neither does having an open marriage. I think a successful marriage is built on respect, love and open communication, not whether you do or do not extend your physical or emotional self to others as well.

Am I tempting fate? Will I someday regret having opened this door? I haven't regretted it yet. Our understanding of each other is better than ever, and our sex life is full and varied and fun. We're not out every night trawling for sex with strangers - 99% of the time we're having sex with each other. And despite the challenges of both of us working in full time, demanding careers, and busy kids and travelling and keeping up with the house and the dog and friends and family and exercising, we're still having sex almost every single day, sometimes twice. It's a great way to fire up for the day or wind down, to connect and check in with each other and laugh and have fun together.

Simultaneous Love

2012-11-24T01:46:39Z

When we were swinging, there was never any emotional connection. It was just sex, and there was no opportunity for it to become more. We did things together, never separate. With polyamory, it's a completely different thing. Now there's the emotional connection. People ask me, how can I share his love? How can I be ok with him having an emotional connection with another woman?

I've heard it compared to having kids, and the comparison works for me. You don't love your first child any less when the second comes along, right? You don't suddenly decide you want to give up the first for adoption if they're being little shits and the new baby is totally adorable. I feel the same way about having relationships with other people.

It might seem flippant, but I think about when I go out for drinks with a friend. I might have a fantastic time, chatting, laughing, just having so much fun connecting with a good friend. My husband isn't jealous of my emotional connection with my friend. He doesn't require that I fulfil all my emotional needs from him. And I don't require the same of him. I can love being loved by him even if I'm not his only love. Clear as mud?

People fall in love again and again and again - just usually, it's in a chronological order and not simultaneously. We don't believe you can only love one person, in "that way" at one time.

The Demographics of Adultury

2012-11-19T20:36:35Z

The National Post recently posted an interesting infographic from the Kinsey Institute on the demographics of adultery.

Since the 1990s, the number of women who reported ever having an affair has risen to 19% from about 12%. Men have stayed stable at around 23%. When romantic transgressions other than sex, such as kissing, were taken into account, women and men were equally likely to stray.

It's unlikely the quarter of partners committing adultery are the same quarter of men and women. I'd be curious to know how many of all couples are experiencing one partner or both committing adultery. Is it 25%? 35%? 42%?

Given this high percentage of people stepping out of their marriage, why are open marriages still so denigrated? Is it really preferable for everyone to pop on blinders and pretend one partner, for everything, for life is really "best" even if practically this isn't happening for a large percentage of the population.

I have one friend in my life who knows about our open marriage but we never, ever talk about it. She's convinced it's unnatural and simply not the way anyone should be "doing marriage." Is the alternative that much better?

What's Missing?

2012-11-12T16:57:40Z

I've heard the argument that my main relationship must be lacking something that I need. That I'm not fulfilled. I disagree. I was deeply satisfied by my relationship before we opened it up, and if one of us decided to close it, I feel I'd still be deeply satisfied by my relationship. For us, it's not about missing something, or not getting enough of something, any more than you have a second child because the first isn't "enough." My capacity to care for, or be interested in another person is not finite.

What is finite of course is my time. If I spend time with a person other than my husband, that could be seen as robbing him of time with me. To a certain point he no more begrudges me time with another person I'm involved with than he does my friends, my family, or my work. Note that I said to a certain point? Because of course we want to spend time with the person we love. And if his needs are not being met first, he will naturally be jealous of upset that he is not coming first.

We love each other very deeply. We are kind and respectful and adoring of each other. We have loads of sex of our own, together (yep, every day). If something's missing, I'm not sure what it could be.

The Jealousy Question

2012-11-05T03:42:09Z

Do I get jealous? Yes, sometimes.

My jealousy stems from two main areas. First, I'm jealous when I don't have enough information. When I know where my husband is, what girl he is with, and have a general idea of what they'll be doing, I'm not jealous. However, when there's a new girl in his office and he says she's cute, I might experience a pang of jealously. Seems a little silly, no? But there you go.

I can also get jealous when I feel like time I want, or emotions or actions I want, from my husband are not being given to me because he's busy meeting someone else's needs. If he never replies to my texts but gets sore fingers from tapping out messages to her all day long, I'm going to turn into a green eyed monster.

I experience jealousy, as a physical reaction. I don't feel jealous with my head, I feel it in my gut - a twisting, wrenching sensation that elevates my heart rate and makes me feel nauseous. And it passes, and then I'm fine. And the more we open ourselves to other people, the deeper our connection grows, and the less jealousy rears its ugly face in my emotional range.

I don't own my partner, and he doesn't own me. Even if we had a closed marriage, I wouldn't expect him to never look at other women, never smile at the pretty girl in the office, never think about another woman. It's not realistic. And frankly, when it comes right down to it, I think I'm a great partner and we have a great relationship. While there's the potential for him to fall in love with another women so completely that he no longer wants me, the same potential exists even if we had a closed marriage. Isn't that how many traditional marriages end? And if it happened, I'd survive it.

I'd rather live enjoying and exploring with love than to dwell in fear, which is really the root of jealousy.