D.I.Y.

It's Junior Kindergarten...What Happens at University!?

2012-02-07T12:50:17Z

Let me start this way.... I didn't put this much thought into what University I'd go to.

It's Junior Kindergarten registration time people! And from the clusters of pale looking parents, deep in conversation - talking strategy, timing and in a state of panic - you would think we were all coaching in the Super Bowl.

I was aware of many, many things when I became a parent. This I had no idea about. French Immersion? Before and after school care? Out of region transfers? Full v half? It was easier choosing his freaking name for godsakes.

My issue is this - my daycare services one school, but I'm out of region and they actually laughed when I brought in my application. My home school? Well I've moved from 56th to 18th on the daycare waiting list so you know, maybe there will be a mass exodus and a million frogs will drop from the sky, and he'll get a spot in there for September.

I'm making light of it but I'm actually stressing. I'm uber organized. I'm not good at wait and see and hope for the best. But for once, I'm going to try. Maybe things will all just fall into place.

The out of region school I want...well, they forgot to erase my registration appointment from the calendar and called to confirm it yesterday, I'm already practicing..."Oh, you're NOT accepting out of region kids? I didn't know. Maybe we could just do the registration now though..in case one spot opens up??" CUE TEARS.

Are you in this kindergarten dilemma or is this an oddity reserved for my neighbourhood! How did you handle it??

Can You Over-Adore?

2012-02-02T17:41:02Z

The Huffington Post recently launched a Parents section. I love it. The Huff is one of my daily destinations and now this added feature is giving me a ton of food for thought.

This week, Rhiana Maidenberg wrote an article about Raising Children With Unconditional Love and wondering if we've gone too far with it.

I found the article insightful but the part that fascinated me were the comments! When I first read it - there were about 20 comments (now up to 200). Each of those 20 basically called her delusional - insane - a horrible mother. The two parts that got everyone up in arms was when she said that her love for her kids is the only unconditional love that she has. If her husband cheats or her friends disappoint, she can hack them out of her life but that her kids are here to stay. And then she added, to the ommenters disgust, that even if her kid murdered someone, she'd still adore them.

Being a relative newbie to this parenting thing....I'm going to go out on a ledge here and say that the people who were commenting on this weren't parents. I remember before Will was born and reading how Karla Homolka's mother was standing by her in court...this the daughter who presented her own sister to a sexual sadist...and I remember thinking - 'Are you out of your mind??" Never. Never. Never would I have believed that I can now understand it. I now get how, even though they can destroy your life, they are still your children - you will always love them no matter what.

The other part? Well. I can't speak from experience so it's probably not in my best interest to offer an opinion here BUT it's me...come on. I think what she says makes sense? When you think about it - you could essentially ditch the world, but these beings...these kids...they're with you forever. Maybe when I meet the guy...I'll get it. But I can't see how the love is the same. I don't think I'd want to give my self as wholly to a man or my friends as I give to my son.

Anyway! As for the article? I'm in agreement. I think we CAN and often DO wayyyy 'over-adore' our kids these days. I'm not talking about slathering with love - because I swear it would be impossible for me to hug and kiss Will more than I do - but I do think that many people lose themselves in parenting. It scares me when people put their whole lives into others. If your whole being relies on being a mother or father; or a partner....you're going to lose yourself in there. I know there are people who think I take too much time away from Will (at least a weekend a month and a one night during the week)...I say we are both WAY better for it. He is a social little being and I still feel like me.

What do you think about the article? Can we - are you - over-adoring your kids? Am I way off base?

Kill Kill Kill

2012-02-01T15:39:36Z

Remember when you were a kid and you watched Friday the 13th movies? We used to watch them endlessly at my friend Wendy's while we'd hold hands with whoever we were 'going around' with at the time. Ah memories. Remember this music???

You really only need to listen to the beginning! We thought (and I thought I was right...but the wonder of google...which didn't exist back then...tells me maybe not) that he was saying 'kill - kill - kill'. Didn't you?

Anyway - Sunday night, we were at my sister's getting ready to blow out her birthday candles when Will said something along the lines of 'I'm going to win and then I will kill you.'

WHAT? HUH? Could anything sound odder coming out of a three-year olds mouth? I didn't react then - my sister and I sort of looked at each other oddly and just let it go. But please...as if I can let that go. That night in the tub, we had a convo along these lines.

Mom - Will can we have a talk.

Will - Sure mommy, whaaaaaaaaaaat do you want to talk about?

M - Remember when you said you were going to kill Auntie? That isn't a very nice to thing to say (only I can say that...KIDDING) and I'd like you to not use that word anymore. Just like 'hate'. It's very mean.

W - Well (garble garble garble) says it!

M - Who? Josh? (NO MOM - GARBLE) Alexei (NO MOM)? ooooh ZURG?

W - Yeah Mom - Zurg says it to Buzz.

M - Well he shouldn't - it's not a nice thing to say.

W - Well he does so I will.

M - (yes - I pulled this one out). Well! I'm not Zurg's mom...and I'm telling you not to say it anymore because I'm your mom.

Ah - sweet patheticness. I did recover and explained that killing means the person isn't here anymore and it's like dying but not in a nice way. I'm kidding myself that he understood - but he does understand that we aren't using it anymore.

Then I had to hunt it down. Does Zurg really say that? Yup.

So what are your trigger words? I don't think I have any besides 'hate' and 'kill'. But maybe I won't know it until I hear it - because hearing Kill made me cringe! Picture this angel (bahahahah) saying that word...(wait a minute...maybe this is how my mom felt when I dropped the eff bomb all the time - should have blamed it on Zurg!)

Trading Places!

2012-01-26T18:33:21Z

Yesterday a tweet came across my TweetDeck from @parentsmagazine saying "Complete this tweet: If I could switch places with my kid for a day, I would....". Actually it said compete which drew my competitive self to it even more.

Regardless, without batting an eye, I hit retweet and replied - "I'd make him wipe my ass for the day." No need to think about it - hands down. This mom is tired of wiping poo out of someone else's bum.

Then I really started to think about it and thought how HEAVENLY it would be for all of the following to happen - if we really COULD switch places!!!

My kid would have to do the following:

* put on my socks and boots, while juggling a coffee mug and a handful of Toy Story 'guys'.

* open his hand willingly and accept my regurgitated grape into his own.

* suppress an emotional breakdown when I yell at him to 'hand me my water glass' that is right next to my bed.

* listen to Bob Dylan over and over again - this is exchange for my three years of The Wiggles.

*listen to me play with the loudest toys - especially when he's on the phone.

* go to work with snot marks on all of his clothes from my morning tantrum over non purchased oatmeal.

* try to cover up the cut on his forehead from my extra long toenail that got rammed into his head during another sleepover where I end up horizontal in the bed.

* watch reruns of the Bachelor over and over and over again. Because if I can watch Boots and Dora save a Snow Princess 100 times...he can watch drunk girls humiliate themselves multiple times.

Getting the picture??? What would you have said to that tweet??? What would your kid have to do if you switch places for a day????

Isn't a Carpe a Fish?

2012-01-23T16:48:33Z

I went away this weekend for a much needed time-out. The boy and I are in a constant battle these days, the stage that my friend Molly has been warning me about since Will was in-utero is in full swing. The tantrums come from nowhere and over nothing. They're loud, long and unpredictable. And I don't handle them well at all. We both inevitably end up yelling and in tears. But I'm working on it. I can say with 100% certainty, I will not look back on the age of three and a half with fondness. I was going to come here today with an SOS on how I get through.

Then I read this article and I cheered. Go and read it and come back to me. As I said in my comments to her - of the thousands of blogs that I've read or written...this could be my favourite ever because I think it sums up how the vast majority of us feel as mothers.

I remember being in the thick of my postpartum and standing in a line at Shoppers. A woman looked at Will and then at me and said, 'isn't this the BEST time in your life? Isn't it amazing?" and I looked back at her and said - 'No actually it effing sucks' - left my stuff and walked out as she stood there silent and bug-eyed.

Because you know what? It isn't always rainbows and sunshine. It's not always fun. But nothing worth having comes easily. I say women of my mothers generation didn't get as worked up because people smoked 24-7 and it was socially acceptable to start drinking at noon. I also think they didn't put pressure on themselves and each other to be the perfect mothers - to successfully breastfeed - to have great hair and be a size 6 while teaching their child their 4th language and fusion cooking - to have hot sex with their husbands 10 times a week. They were just more relaxed! So maybe - just maybe they do look back on it with more fondness.

But instead of seizing the day - I'm going to take Glennon Melton's advice and relish in some Choros time everyday. Maybe when the kid is writhing on the floor in his rage over a dirty kermit the frog t-shirt, I'll try and smile at his tenacity. When he falls asleep after an hour long fit, I'll lie next to him until our breathing syncs up - the way it did when he was a newborn. And when he runs across the room and launches himself in my arms, maybe I'll breathe deeper and suck it all in so when the next rager hits, I'll be able to close my eyes and remember his arms around my neck.

Mostly - I think I'll just remember to breathe.....and maybe I'll exhale when he's five??

S*&t My Mom Says.....

2012-01-20T13:49:43Z

The videos are everywhere - some are hilarious - some are ridiculous. Will can't edit a video (thank god) but I'm sure this is what he'd capture if he could....I give you

S*&t My Mom Says by Will Lanthier

Do I smell poop? Did you poo?

Where's the wine opener?

You know I love you right? Even when I'm angry?

Take that finger out of your nose!

It's a looong time till Christmas bud.

Really? Are you sure that's how you want to talk to me?

I'm not sure what tarantulas eat or why leopards have bigger heads than cheetahs or why Kermit is on both Sesame Street and the Muppets but Miss Piggy isn't.

Do you know how much I love you?

I have never been this tired in my life.

You have until the count of three...1 - 2 - do you want me to get to three???

Mommy needs a time out.

Turn it down!

I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map. I'm the map.

We're out of wine? Get your coat.

We don't eat nuggets for breakfast.

Wanna know something? I think you are AMAZING. I think you are AWESOME. I think you are INCREDIBLE! (she says this combo to me at least once a day...yeesh).

Lindsay/Sarah/Kelly/Auntie/Grandpa is babysitting. Won't that be so fun??

I don't want to go to work either but you have to go to daycare.

MODPp0o43oli7^(*&^P@##$j (she says this when her face is in a pillow...I'm not sure what she's so mad at - it's only midnight and I just asked for blueberries!)

You are my favourite guy in the entire world.

I have never been this tired in my entire life. (this one and the wine get repeated quite a few times).

We are a team...me and you!

*Nice of the kid to end on a positive note...What would your kids say you say all the time??)

400 Words on....What I Don't Like So Much....

2012-01-16T18:05:47Z

Lest you guys think I've gone all Oprah on your asses....you know with all the positivity around here lately, I wanted to flip the 400 words from last week.

I want to take a look at 400 words about things I don't like. We don't use the word 'hate' in our household...although I will say - since Will can't read - that I hated the hours between 6:30 and 8:30 this morning. They left me in the mood that has more than likely resulted in this post. BUT - I do think it's good to look at 400 words on things you don't like because you can see what are actually first world problems; areas where you can actually make changes OR things that you don't like that are actually totally out of your control. I should add before you read my list...that is was remarkably WAY easier to write about what I loved. I'm taking that as a really good sign!

I don't like being told to relax. Being told by my son that I'm wrong. I don't like people who talk at movies - even during the previews. I'm not a fan of spiders, snakes or people who don't reply to invitations. I don't like my hair when it's brown, fingernails when they're long or the scar from my foot surgery.

I don't like being alone, at night, with Will when he's sick. I don't like the build up to Christmas or any of the Hallmark holidays. I don't like mint when it's hidden in food so you're taken by surprise. I don't like excessive snot, or runny poop, or regurgitated food or any of the other bodily fluids that escape from my child on an all too familiar basis. I don't like spin class.

I'm not a fan of people who give themselves their own nicknames, speak in the first person or proclaim themselves to be hip. I don't like finding chicken bones in my burritos. I loathe dropping my contact case into the toilet which I manage to do frequently.

I don't like dishonesty, freezing rain or trying on bathing suits in winter. I get really pissed when my newspaper is late. I don't like people making an illegal turn at the Jarvis Street onramp to the Gardiner and screwing it up for those of us waiting legally (how is THAT for specific??).

I don't like seeing my friends or family in pain - losing loved ones; suffering through infertility; raising children with special needs. I don't like having my heart broken; relinquishing control or listening to music with no guitar in it.

I don't like chardonnay or light beer. I'm not a fan of people who are rude to waiters; children who are rude to their parents or people who foot fault. I don't like expired passports or expired milk when you're not expecting it. I have a serious issue with chewing gum especially when chewed and left on a plate and with getting the middle seat.

I don't like being disappointed. I don't like autism. I don't like when people are late. I don't like not having my mother here. Or that tampons and daycare - necessities - are expensive. I don't like when my son cries (for legitimate reasons) or when people call him Willy.

I hate the energy it consumes to be grumpy. But I am. Today.

That's 400. I'm spent. You?

The Bed Wars Continue!

2012-01-11T17:43:42Z

So remember at the beginning of December when operation Take Back My Bed started? Well, it's been a month and a half now and I'm happy to report that it WAS going really well. The kid was actually enticed with just putting a sticker on the fridge. I would say we were running at a 75% success rate (including the really cold night where I brought him into bed with me on purpose because I was freezing...okay yes I know that was dumb...but I swear he is like a hot water bottle!).

Anyway - we were doing great until this week. I decided that it was cold turkey time. Monday night I just kept walking him back to his room saying nope...not going to happen. At one point I lay on his bed and tried not to laugh as he 'reasoned with me' aka repeated everything I say to him...

1. Mommy you have to the count of three to go back to your bed....1 - 2 -3

2. Okay I'm starting to get really mad mom. Are you using your listening ears? No you are not.

3. (and my fave - in a really sweet voice) If you go back to your bed now, I will get you a very special treat in the morning....

Half an hour later he was asleep - and I retreated to my bed exhausted but PUMPED that I had won the first battle. You do not own me kid.

Then last night...first there was a night terror and then an hour later he marched down to my bed, tried to get in and announced 'I don't want to put a sticker on the calendar.' BUSTED. Damn.

So. Back to the drawing board. A different incentive until this gets to be habit? Or just full on tough love. I'm going the incentive route - 'smoobies' (aka yogurt smoothies...thanks Uncle Ryan) are his current obsession. I told him this morning that he can have one every morning that he sleeps in his own bed the night before. He claims that will start tonight. I think he has farm land to sell me in Florida.

What do you think?

400 Words.....

2012-01-09T20:28:24Z

Going through my normal rounds of blog reading, I came across a slew of bloggers via Erin Margolin - who I'm a man fan of - and they were all taking part in this writing exercise about 400 Words on Things That They Love. And I was inspired. Will you be? I'd love to see your 400 words in the comments below. It's a great way to start the year by thinking about what you love.

I love the first sip of coffee in the morning. The way fire logs crackle and pop. Fresh tuna sushi and when I put too much wasabi on it and my nose hair burns. I love the anticipation of hearing what the first words out of Will's mouthin the morning will be. The anticipation of a first kiss. The euphoria when it lives up to it. I love playing paddle on a perfect sunny day and not playing like shit.

I love the smell of my kid's hair when it's just been washed and I'm reading him goodnight stories. I love wearing momentos of my mom, grandmom and my step-mom's grandma around my neck. I love being amazed by a photograph. I love dreaming about places I'll one day visit and having a son who I can take with me.

I love my boobs and my eyes. Yes. I'll admit it. I love when you spend a ton of money on a steak and cook it perfectly. I love finding money in old coat pockets. Finding a random toy in my pocket on a day where the kid is driving me nuts. I love my beautiful, supportive friends. I love chips and dip. Coke from McDonalds. KFC once a year. Halibut burritos. Being able to see the lake when I wake up.

I love that I love(d) my mother. I love that I know I will look like her as I age. I love that I learned fiscal responsibility from my dad. I love the National Post on a Saturday and the Saturday Globe on a Sunday. I love the satisfaction of completing a crossword. Of finishing a book. Of building the perfect fire.

I love that I don't have to dress up at work. That my friend talked me into wearing clothes that fit. That I chose the donor that I did. I love drinking wine with my book club. And that we never all read the book. I love hearing what song is next on my iTunes.

I love when my kid poops before he goes to sleep. His hugs. His nature. I love to skinnydip. To dance every now and then. To sing Eminem at karaoke.

I love the moon. The sunrise. Quiet. Belly laughs. Dogs. Icy cold beer. My sister living so close to me. Sleeping past 7.

I love my life. Good, bad or ugly.

You???

Dear 20 Year Old Me!

2012-01-05T12:43:08Z

Dear 20 year old me,

You're at university now. You've left behind the safety of high school but you've packed up and carried your old insecurities with you to frosh week. Here's a few things you should know...

* curly hair + bangs = nothing good

* molesting half of the hockey team will not do anything for you. And yes, even though they're friends of yours - everyone will still think you're a slut.

* pajama pants to class are comfy but ultimately? Just put some pants on - trust me.

And when you're in bar in Halifax, and your gorgeous (and awesome) friend Cath is surrounded by guys and one of them looks over at you and says 'wow - it must be hard to be friends with her' and you run to the bathroom bawling (and think about that moment for years), I'm here to tell you 20 year-old self, that you won't always feel this bad about yourself.

Years later, after many life lessons, you'll be on a first date at a basketball game. You'll be sitting next to two wasted guys who will lean over and say 'my friend said your guy could do WAY better than you but I disagree.' You'll sit back in your chair, smile, and think 'how drunk is this guy' and continue with your night. (then you'll share the 'no bangs' lesson with him).

And when your date messages you later to say what a ridiculous comment that was and sweetly compliments you, you'll realize that he's not saying it because he feels bad for you - you'll just say thank you.

Most importantly, when you get home from University, diploma in hand, and you think 'wow, THOSE were the best years of my life??' and your mom says that it's BS and that the best years of your life start after 40...don't roll your eyes and tell her she's insane because once again - you'll learn - she's always right.

Hang in there 20 year old self. I promise. It's worth the ride.

AND FOR GODSAKES NO BANGS!!!

**this post was inspired by the amazing viral video going around about melanoma....please have a watch....***

Christmas Happenings and a Year Of Learning!

2012-01-04T23:47:10Z

Okay. I'm back! I wasn't in self imposed exile...I just had major laptop issues. But, thank you Santa - I'm ready to start 2012 with a brand new one (and it's red...I love it).

It was an interesting Christmas. Lots of time with just the boy and I - which was both awesome and exhausting. This was the first year that Will really got Christmas. We watched the Muppet Christmas Carol umpteen times and once he finally got out of bed...he was super excited with the gifts that Santa brought him. Santa (aka my friend Susannah) also left me a stocking and some surprises on my porch - I guess she couldn't make it down the chimney.

We dog sat on Christmas day and Will learned that dogs can actually fetch - which came in really handy for our tennis match.

On New Years Eve, we hosted a party for some family and friends in the 'hood. It was a blast. I won't lie - secretly I thought it was going to be a s*#t show BUT the kids were amazing! They played, ate, and had a New Years countdown at 8pm. It was the first time in years that we didn't have to be constantly watching them - just listened for loud bangs and tears.

Before the countdown I was talking to the kids about what would happen in the upcoming year - kindergarten; pooping on the potty; another hallowe'en; riding bikes; and swimming outside again. They were pumped (and so were the parents particularly about the potty thing).

After everyone left and I had cleaned up and settled into watch the ball drop with Kathy Griffin and the Coop - I started to think about 2011 and what I'd learned. It was a fairly long list.

I learned....

..that I'll likely always be on anti-depressants and that that is okay.

..that it's okay to go on a trip without your kids...but that by day four you'll wish they were there.

..that even if you're not always crazy tight with your family, that in times of need, they'll be there.

..that two adult sisters can live together for a few months without one being arrested for murder.

..that your foot can essentially be detached from your leg and grow back together - freaky!!

..that I'm not always going to like my kid but I will always love him.

..that Will may have a billion half siblings but I'm okay with that because we have each other.

..that I miss Will's naps more than I ever thought humanly possible.

..that I miss being in a relationship. I can't deny it anymore and I'm going to be way more open minded about meeting people. And I'm going to figure out why I can commit to not eating fries for a month but I can't commit to a guy.

It was a crazy year - mental collapses, achilles ruptures, half way potty training, changes at work - oh and buying and selling a house. But one thing became really clear to me this year. I am totally and completely in love with this kid. He amazes (and annoys) me everyday with his wit and smarts and two arm hugs. I can really look back at the year and realize how truly, ridiculously blessed I am.

Not a bad way to start 2012. Happy New Year!!!

Solo Santa!

2011-12-23T14:12:02Z

Two more days till Christmas! I can't believe I'm saying this...but I, the grinch, am actually looking forward to it! So is Will. Truth be told though, we're taking my friend's dog for an overnight on Christmas and he's almost more excited about that!

But...I will say, being a single parent at Christmas has a couple new challenges now that Will knows who Santa is and what the gig is all about.

Will keeps asking what I asked Santa for. And we have two stockings. Someone needs to fill mine - and that would be me. So...I went to Target last weekend and stocked up on some toiletries and I'll be wrapping them up and then unwrapping them on Christmas. And what did I ask Santa for? A blow-dryer. Did you know that the elves make kick ass blow-dryers. Yup - so I'll be opening that one on Christmas morning.

I'm also taking the time to learn how my timer works on my camera so on Christmas morning - I may be able to actually get a family shot of us ...in our new jammies, opening our stockings. That would be novel.

Do you get presents from Santa? Stockings? I always hesitate to make up new 'rules' - you know like Santa only brings presents for kids....(or the whole 'no live animals on the sleigh debacle)...I want to keep him believing as long as possible!

What was your fave Christmas Show???

2011-12-22T15:30:30Z

It's been a pretty crazy pre-Christmas over here. I feel like I've been running around like crazy - all social and fun things - but none the less. So last night, I decided to slow it down and have a date night with my boy. We had an awesome trout dinner - played in the tub - got in our jammies - made popcorn, cuddled on the couch and watched The Muppet Christmas Carol. It was AMAZING. I wanted Rudolph though.

I have a very vivid memory of going to a cub meeting with my brother (my mom was a leader maybe??) around Christmas and we used ice cream tubs and old Christmas cards to make garbage pails...(don't ask) and then came home and watched Rudolph. What was that 35 years ago? And I remember it so well. I want Will to have memories like that.

Aren't those old Christmas shows the BEST?!?!?! Over at The Dish, I counted down my top 5 fave Christmas rom-com movies...so let's step back to our childhood here and look at the best Christmas specials. Bring back memories??

5. Rudolph's Shiny New Year

Okay - technically not Christmas but still. I think I loved this because Happy the Baby New Year got teased for his giant ears. My brother used to call me Dumbo. And mock my saying 'r' as 'w' so well ... Happy, the baby bear and I - we were bonded.

4. How The Grinch Stole Christmas

For me the Grinch is all about the music. And Max. Our old dog looked like Max. My dad said if an a$$hole looked like anything..it looked like our dog - get the picture? So I always rooted for Max the same way I did for Corkey.

3. Twas The Night Before Christmas

Not everyone seems to remember this one...but it's for sure my #3. The brainiac son writes an article denouncing Santa....Go to the 8 minute mark...I sang along with the ENTIRE Give Your Heart A Try. (Why the hell couldn't I remember school stuff like this??)

2. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

What's not to like??? The Abominable...I want to be a dentist...Clarice (now I hear Anthony Hopkins in my mind....). Rudolph aging like a kid in a soap opera. Really - it's all so classic.

1. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

This is my personal fave. Again I love the songs. I love the BurgerMeister MeisterBurger (I went out with a guy whose dad WAS HIM!). AND Santa as a ginger..I like it! I was looking for a good clip but they are scarce. Someone put this mash up together...It's AWESOME!

So?? What were your favourite holiday specials as a kid???

Remember to Take It In

2011-12-19T16:09:08Z

Twelve years ago on Christmas, my mom forgot to turn the oven on to cook the turkey. We went out and when we arrived home, expecting that amazing smell when you open the door, we were met with nothing. Except tears from my mom. She couldn't believe it. We all teased her about her ongoing partial memory loss. Three months later they would find a tumour in her brain. That was the last turkey that she cooked.

Had I known this, would have I done anything differently? Yup. I probably would have paid more attention to the conversations at dinner. I would have savoured every bite of my mom's stuffing...every drip of gravy. Instead of teasing her, I would have hugged her tighter. Instead of counting the minutes down before I could escape the Christmas dinner...I would have sat back and realized how truly lucky I was to have had my whole family around a table, enjoying an amazing meal together.

It's a simple reminder this time of year...but enjoy every second of it. You never know what the coming year holds.

Getting The Heisman...or where am I going wrong?

2011-12-15T21:41:36Z

Last week, I made reference to getting the Heisman. A few people asked me what the hell I was talking about so let me give you a visual cue. See the football player on the Heisman trophy - shoving everyone away? Yup. The dump.

So I said to my co-worker Kati and a few other UrbanMoms that I was going to revisit all of my old flames and look for a pattern of why I can't seem to meet the right person. I thought I'd interview them...right back to the public school slow dancing days...and try to get some insight...then report back to you guys!

Kati said, 'but we already know what your problem is. You always go after emotionally unavailable men.' Whoa. Cue spotlight. She could not be more bang on with that.

From high school (where my first love's girlfriend was away at camp for the summer so they were on a 'break') to university (where my boyfriend's steady was at a different university so they were on a 'break) to the last decade ....where, just as an example, I've had someone tell me, upfront, that while they really liked me, they can't commit to anyone (not enough to scare me off!)...this is a TREND. The latest Heisman - also emotionally unavailable to me (but mature enough to recognize it early).

But the question for me is why? Why do I always go for this type? Sure - it's the 'saving' aspect. I love nothing more than to swoop in and save someone from their past. And there is the challenge. But there's more to it than that if I can be honest with myself.

Emotionally unavailable men mean I don't have to make a commitment...because it will never work out. So, I can have a 'relationship' for a bit, usually rife with drama, then get dumped or move on, feel bad but also fall back into my extremely comfortable routine of singlehood.

So the real question is - why am I afraid of commitment? Now THAT is going to take some delving into. The good news...this last guy...I think I was ready for something real. I didn't have the same quasi relief when it ended. I'm honestly sad about it. So as crappy as it - it's sort of encouraging as well.

I haven't cued up Adele's Someone Like You and fallen into a tub of Ben and Jerry's but I have been listening to a different Adele song...and it may just sum up the last 25 years or so of my dating life.

I love this version because the song is all about the emotionally unavailable man...and in the intro she says 'yeah I don't like him anymore'. Oh Adele...you and I must figure this out together!

How's that for looking inward today? What about you - any advice? Thoughts?