Roman is starting day care transition tomorrow and I am feeling more then a little anxiety. I know all parents feel anxiety when making this transition and that it's a normal part of the process but something deep down was keeping me up at night.
I realize now what a part of it is. When a brother of a friend said to me that day care will be an easy transition for Roman because it'll just feel like he's back at the orphange and he's used to that. The words were like a dagger to my heart and put words to my fear. I think it was in that moment that I got cold feet. Could that be true? Will Roman feel like he's back to the life that he left. A day care and an orphange have a lot in common. It brought back the memories of when I had to leave him at the end of the day on my visits in Russia. I knew he was in good hands but they weren't my hands and I kept telling myself in those difficult moments that some day soon he would never be left by me again. Yet, by putting him in day care I will pass on his care to care givers that are not his family.
Now I know rationally that it will be just for the day and at the end of every day I will come back and it will be me that tucks him in at night and who he wakes up to in the morning but there's a big part of me that doesn't want to share him yet. When he looks up from whatever activity he is doing I want me, or my family, who is an extention of me, to be the face that he sees. He spent the first thirteen months of his life without a family and for the past eleven months family and friends is who he has been surronded with.
The day I had to leave him at the orphange to come back home for eight weeks to await my court date was a very difficult day. I vowed that once I returned I would never ever leave him without his family again. He has never had a babysitter, never been left without a family member and I am struggling to be ok leaving him with strangers. I know logically that these strangers are capable, caring people who will become trusted friends but in my heart I am not ready to share him.
Tomorrow is our first day of transition. We'll spend just two hours at the day care and I will be there the whole time then as the week progressing I will start to leave him for short then longer bits of time until it becomes a day. My sister will then step in and be there for as long as he needs her there and for that I am deeply grateful.
It's just that he's been all ours twenty four hours a day since we came home and even a few hours, let alone a day seems like an eternity.
I'm so afriad that he'll feel abandoned when he looks up and realizes that we are not there. That inevitably he will want me and I won't be there and what will he feel in that moment? His whole world is his people and this means expanding his circle and returning him to an instiutional setting.
I know that I have to trust that he is secure enough now to know that I am coming back. That my sister will be there until he is ready to let her leave and once we do he'll be ok. That it will be tough for awhile as we adjust but then we will all by fine. I know all of this is most likely going to be true for us but my heart aches at the thought of walking away. My gut is telling me none of us are ready for this but have to make the decision out of circumstance as opposed to what is truly best for Roman.
Is it time to but on my big girl pants, suck it up and face the fear or is my gut trying to guide me in another direction?
Mom's how did you know your child was ready for full time daycare? Adoptive Mom's, is it any different for our children?