The Boy had decided earlier in the day that the two of us should make "cookie cutter cookies", as he called them, and so I made the dough (while he stood behind me, stealing bites of sugar and butter), I rolled out the dough and cut it out (while he took off with the cookie cutters to play farm), and I baked the cookies (I don't know where he was at this point). Then when the cookies were cooled off, he proudly brought a big plate of them into the living room and announced that he'd made cookies. Fair enough.
The cookies sat around nudely until bedtime, when we frosted them, my children crying beside me. I think it was the cookies that made the kids cry, or maybe the fumes from the food colouring (we DID use a lot) or maybe it was that Mama had been a big crab all day and I kept snapping at the kids until finally both of them were sobbing. Yep. I stomped into the living room and sat sulking in a chair until my husband came up to me, furious, and told me to go look at The Boy's face. So I did.
Oh.
Have you ever had one of those revelatory moments where you realize JUST LIKE THAT that you've been a jerk? It's a nasty feeling, this sudden falling away of all of the self-righteous martyrdom, this revelation of a meanness of spirit, a cruel littleness.
I apologized to my kids and hugged them on my knee and admired their cookie decorating handiwork and they sniffled and permitted me to hug them, because after all, who better to comfort you when you are sad than your mother? By the time they went to bed - stuffed full of cookies and milk - they were cheerful again and all was restored.
Someone once told me that her children were only allowed to watch her bake - that she would put up the baby gate in the living room and her children would peer mournfully over it into the kitchen while she cheerfully made banana bread, which struck me at the time as quietly hilarious. Of course, now I feel like she was wise, that I should be perhaps furiously baking in a cage myself, cackling away and making apples as red as poison.
My children cheerfully filled up their lunch containers with cookie apples (and, mystifyingly enough, cookie DOLPHINS) this morning, chattering away to each other and hurrying off to school. The cookies will be untouched by me, though, one taste of sad self-knowledge being more than enough.
Oh, how beautifully written. I had a parenting moment like that this past week, too. Thanks for sharing yours.
I've done that many times as well. Moms get tired. It's okay. They will survive.
Those cookies look delicious!
Isn't it incredible how our emotions affect our kids? My little guy, Lance is 10 months old, but already I see how my emotions affect him. This morning I was trying to put up the baby gate to block off the hallway and he kept crawling over to me and knocking it back down. I growled at him a little bit, and the look on his face was just dreadful.
Oh all the time, Beck. All the time. And somehow my husband NEVER loses his cool. As for the baking bit, I love to have Miss M help not because she is helpful and not because I have a level head but because of all the warm gooey thoughts I am permitted to have: of raising my daughter to know and love food, of passing on family traditions, of knowing we have now made it that one tiny step past having her hang from my pants link a bungy jumpers as I try to do dinner prep.
Fantastic post.
That look can break your heart. The plus side is that they see that mom is human and gets grumpy. At the end of the day, you made it all better and showed them that grumpy mom still loves them like crazy. And, you have fabulous looking cookies!
I've been a sucky mom myself lately. I would have loved to sulk with you until our husbands told us to get over it. I hate being a crab, but it happens to everyone.
Nice post. Scary red apples. =)
I've been guilty of being snappish far too often lately. I blame it on the pregnancy, but I'm not entirely sure that's the reason. I really should start being nicer.
Lovely cookies! Made me think of Snow White and the irresistible red apple.
ouch! This hits home. I was nasty Sunday morning. But we made up and all was good again. Great thing about kids, they are quite forgiving, just like Mothers.
What a well-written post, and it hits so close to home for me. Baking always starts out like a 'family bonding' time in my head, but in reality, it ends up with me getting frustrated and snapping at them to stop whatever disruptive thing they are doing.
I simply refer to my previous comment a few days ago. The one where I come clean about giving up my hormones and suddenly becoming Cruella's twin. Or maybe your twin.
I've taken this morning to actually research 'men*pause'.
Grump.
Anyway, apology is a good thing. Whoever said, 'love means never having to say your sorry.'
BALONEY!
Love means being the first to say your sorry. And I would most definitely eat those cookies. Probably several of them. It helps with estrogen depletion.
You know...my mom never let me helped her bake or cook and, well, sort of as a result, I'm not very good at it. I'm committed, now, to having the boys in the kitchen with me and just hope that I'm able to handle the inevitable MOMMY'S BAD DAY as well as you have.
My baking escapades always end like that - I completely forget we were supposed to be having fun. It's why I don't bake anymore.
No one has ever been able to make me realize my inner witch like my children!
Oooh--you're so smart and literary--with the taste of sad self-knowledge.
I have always cooked with my kids even though it takes longer and often results in an impatient mommy and frustrated children, not the picture-perfect moment that one would imagine. However, they continue to enjoy it so I keep trying, waiting for the day when I get it right.
No one is perfect. Lovely cookies though. I'm sure your kids are happy to take them to school to show them off.
Did you use powdered food coloring or regular? They are really red! :)
I used gel food colouring - really, the only way to go - AND it was seven-minute frosting, which is SUPER glossy.
I have been there so many times myself. It hurts to know that you have hurt your kids. It always amazes me how quick they are to forgive, though.
The worst feeling -- for me -- is when I am grumpy and the boys are going out of their way to cheer me up. Like it is their job, or something. Which only makes me feel even more morose.
I have been that mother so many times...sigh.
My own mother worked full time and, thus, generally only baked for company which meant she had *very* little patience (or time) for helpers. Despite this, somewhere along the line she did teach me how to bake, and I internalized the delicious satisfaction associated with eating something you just made with your own hands. Today I am an enthusiastic and near-constant baker.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't really remember much about the times she grouched at me in the kitchen, but I do remember her gentle patience in teaching me how to make pastry from scratch.
Meanie Mommy has visited my house on occassion, too. The kisses and hugs (and cookies) do the trick, though.
We're human. Sad, but true.
Reminds me of a couple of Valentine's days ago when I thought it would be "Fun" for Ben and me to make Valentines cards together. It was not the perfect Mother-Child moment I envisioned. But we live and learn, right?
oh Beck...honey...they are beautiful cookies though
i know all about crabby mothers and sad children.
I have had many bad Mommy moments, it is the source of my worst parental guilt. These cookies look cute...great for a classroom treat, if we were allowed to send food that is...
so, hey: this is a lovely post, but i'm going to ignore the very series questions about motherhood it raises and ask:...so...um, what's your cookie recipe?
:)
hope you're having a better day.
I am totally with you, Beck, and definitely couldn't have said it better. However, it isn't so bad for kids to realize their parents are human too and see us take responsibility and apologize.
Yummy cookies.
apologizing is hard, but so good too.
i baked an apple cake with my boy today. he peed all over the floor while we were doing it.
sigh.
i nearly lost it!
Happens to me everytime Bean and I sit down to paint together. I DO believe that being human AND THEN actually apologizing lovingly to your children is an absolutely phenomenal gift to them. So much so that it totally makes up for the original sin. Get it, original sin = apples? hee hee. Hug hug hug. It'll be okay. You are a sweet mother 99% of the time, and that's 100% obvious.
I knew I'd been cranky too often when my kids took to saying soothingly to me, "Mommy needs a vacation!" Yeah... I can relate all too well to this!
Hope you're feeling more sunny soon. Are you getting enough caffeine in your life?
ok...I just left a comment. Where'd it go?
Just in case it's gone forever, here is the recreated version...
...I can relate to these moments all too well. My kids, for a while, took to saying soothingly, "Mommy needs a vacation!" whenever I lost it. That was discouraging.
Hang in there. Hope you're feeling more sunny soon. In the meanwhile, are you getting enough caffeine in your daily diet?
Such a beautiful post, beck. As you can see, you're not alone in that type of moment--I think we've all been there.
Those cookies, though, look so beautiful--and your kids will remember *that* not anything else.
Such a beautiful post, beck. As you can see, you're not alone in that type of moment--I think we've all been there.
Those cookies, though, look so beautiful--and your kids will remember *that* not anything else.
see, now, I cannot resist sugar cookies. self-knowledge or no, I know about myself to know I would sneak one every time i walked through the kitchen. Which happens a lot. ;)
You already know this, but I'm saying it anyway. We mamas are but people. Silly, imperfect people. We are allowed to be cranky. And that is the beautiful thing about unconditional love. And that is our children. Unconditional. And lovely.
This post is great. And honest.
I think you should eat one of those beautiful cookies with your kids tonight. Without even counting the calories. Just laugh, be silly, and eat a cookie.
(Oy, I quit out of my first comment before I did that special 'code'. Let's try again).
I know exactly what feeling you describe. Know it well.
When I only had one child, baking and cooking with her was fun. Now that I have three, there is so much mess and too much "It's not fair!", "She got more!", "MY TURN!!!!". Sooooo not fun for me. And, shouldn't I get to have fun too?
Oh Beck. I can't tell you how many times I've lived this moment. But knowing Mommy makes mistakes too, and is willing to apologize is a big lesson for them.
Good post, and it assuages me of some of the bad-mom guilt I carry around daily (sharing the burden does that). A couple of weeks ago I was apologizing to my six-year old son for feeling like a bad mom after a particularly cranky bedtime. He (in all his wisdom) told me "You're not bad, Mommy, you're just frustrated."
can i come over for cookies?? :0
i have so been there. so many times. it's not pretty. but it's real, i guess :)
We all act like jerks sometime and hurt those we love the most. It's good when you can recognize when you've been one - and really brave of you to tell the world! Good for you!
Oh, Beck, I do this all the time! Then I feel like a first-class ACME heel (you know, the one Fred Flintstone used to turn into?). Argh. But it's so true that showing you can be remorseful and apologize is a great lesson for your kids, too. Good for you being a big enough person to do it. I know enough people who refuse to show weakness in front of their children, even when they're in the wrong. Stupid.
I hate losing my temper with the kids. Great post. Your kids did a remarkable job icing the cookies.