You know it. I can only imagine that the woman who came to the conclusion that her life wasn't wasted because she didn't have children had to come to terms with her decisions. You can't know what you're missing if you've never lived it, you know? Just as she can't understand, to even the nth degree, how life-altering motherhood is, I can't imagine how life-altering a childLESS life would be... And you can't go back and change your decisions. You have to realize that every decision you make is MADE. Done. We become who we are because of them. And I wouldn't change ANY of my "bad" decisions for fear that I wouldn't be who I am today because of them.

Once upon a time I thought I didn't want kids. I did the traveling thing, etc., and my mom was so upset with me for not wanting children. My ex and I were very surprised by my son's appearance in our lives--it wasn't anything we planned. These day's I understand my mom's frustration with me--it wasn't that she thought I was selfish, it was that she knew what I was missing. My son is the greatest blessing--I can't imagine life without him.

Good luck as you figure out the best way to treat that asthma.

Singulair for kids and an albuterol puffer is what I used to take. KayTar is flirting with asthma (the pedi doesn't want to write to down yet because of our insurance transition, although she gets the wheezies) and she just takes the puffer when it is agitated. Hope you guys figure it out for her.

And yes, I can't really imagine a childless life. I don't know how in the world I would enjoy it completely with such a gaping hole.

"...how this huge love is bourn by these tiny mortal people when they should be made out of something guaranteed and death-proof."

This is lovely and eloquent and so, so true. Beautiful! Your kids are very lucky to have you, and you clearly made the right choice about having children.

"...but I would, if given the choice, pick a walk home in the cold rain with my pale laughing child any day over standing on some sandy beach in the South Pacific without her."

Sigh. Well wasn't that just a morsel of gooey yumminess. Lovely post Beck.

"...but I would, if given the choice, pick a walk home in the cold rain with my pale laughing child any day over standing on some sandy beach in the South Pacific without her."

Sigh. Well wasn't that just a morsel of gooey yumminess. Lovely post Beck.

I was single for 10 years between marriages, and traveled around quite a bit. It's not while you're doing the traveling you notice something's missing - it's when you're home, living the day to day... on the weekends when you can sleep in, relax, think, work on projects uninterrupted, and its nice and all, but being all free and independent and UNNEEDED leaves an emptiness. In all those hours of ME TIME, I found myself more and more wishing for some SOMEBODY ELSE time. I wanted to be needed. I wanted OUT of the center of my life. I don't know if everyone in the world would come to that point, but I sure did. And I'm deeply thankful I've been given the opportunity to be a mom and a wife, even after all those years of thinking I didn't want it. Makes me want to "deserve it" every day. Sorry about the diagnosis. I hope it's easily managed and doesn't interrupt anything about her sweet lil life, ever.

I wouldn't trade motherhood and all the stretch marks and all the rest of it for anything. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't like an afternoon of being childless, or even a week!

This one was beautifully written, Beck. I'm so sorry about The Girl. Ben had asthma for a few years in there, but it seems that he has grown out of it. That DOES happen, and it may well happen for The Girl. I'll hope for that.

The albuterol worked very well for Ben on an as-needed basis

I am with you on picking a family over travel. And I anxiously await the day when i can travel to those exotic locals with my kids in tow. I can think of nothing more enjoyable!

I do hope the dark cloud gets brighter and that all is well. Blue cheese sounds yummy.

Steph

There are some good medications out there for asthma nowadays. I hope you find the right one. The one I'm on right now has made SUCH a huge difference for me. And hopefully it won't keep The Girl from doing anything she loves to do. You know I just heard a couple weeks ago on a documentary that 20% of Canadian Olympic athletes have asthma. Who knew?

i hate to admit this, but when people tell me they don't want kids, I secretly think they're insane. AT the end of it all, my kids are the BEST thing in my life, and no matter how much i whine and complain (and that i do!) a life without them would be a bleak, desolate desert.

Being childless and fairly well traveled I must chime in that some of us do know what we are missing and ache and long for the life altering event of having a child (or a few) and some of us realize the travel and other fairly *exotic* stuff is filler.

But not everyone is the same. I will never forget hearing a very accomplished woman (who was 40-ish) speak to a group of women (on career balance!) when I was in my first job out of law school and she said she "forgot to have children". FORGOT! I was shocked and horrified and that has always stuck with me. How do you forget if it is really a priority and you have the opportunity? Wanting children has never been a question for me, it is just with whom and how soon? It hurts me deeply when others assume that because I am in my 30s and in a career that I must not want children....
I better stop here or I might spill out a whole post unintentionally in this comment box.
As usual Beck, well written. And by the way, I was diagnosed with asthma at 28 (!) and have very few to no symptoms because medication is so good these days.

Fabulous writing. I think we all imagine the roads not taken at some point or other. Love it.

I had asthma and out grew it, but sometimes it seems that it may be trying to come back. My sons Jonah #2 and Linus #8, both have asthma and with medications now it is really easy to keep under control. The meds I was on in the early 70's were a nightmare, I'm so glad my kids get to experience the improvements in pharmaceuticals!
I hope the Girls gets better soon, and that the wheezes are easily kept under control! Your post is lovely and one to make any childless person wonder at what they might actually be missing. I won't imagine my life without these gems, they make me crazy and I love every minute of that!

That soup sounds amazing. Do share.

I am sorry to hear about the Girl's asthma. It seems a number of the blogger's kids have been given that diagnosis lately. Sigh.

Oh my goodness...so beautifully written, and poignant.
There are so many reasons some women are childless...some are by choice and some are not.
I wish I could say that I so involved in some successful career and that's why I didn't become a mom until age 36...but in my case, I just didn't find the right man until I married at 32...and then, I just couldn't...wouldn't...have a baby while we were far away from family and he kept going out to sea.
However, the second- I mean the second- he returned from the last deployment that birth control was in the trash and I begin praying for a baby. And I was one of the blessed ones. Because the longer women wait, the more chances of infertility and or birth defects...and I have two sisters in law who each are around 40 and trying- one, for four years.

But I know that's not the point of your whole post...it's about women who purposely choose to postpone or comepletely forgo motherhood....and even though it is filled with worry and stress on occasion...I so would never trade it for a world cruise.
Your last lines were so wonderful...
"I would, if given the choice, pick a walk home in the cold rain with my pale laughing child any day over standing on some sandy beach in the South Pacific without her."
So beautiful!

Oh Beck! You know that Papoosie Girl has asthma...let you me know what you need. I would be happy to help if I can.

Soup sounds good, minus the cheese though. ;)

You ... you word things so beautifully. My sentiments exactly. I would take a rainy walk over traveling without too

What a gorgeous post, nicely concluded by the mention of food! The soup sounds delicious, and I can't wait to hear the outcome.

you know, I think the writer of that letter AND you BOTH have it right... that you take the life you have both chosen and been dealt, and find a peace and happiness with it.

I did not want kids, and then (oops!) got pregnant. And I feel exactly the same way you do. When I catch Ben's eye from across a room, and see the smile that spreads across his lips... there is just nothing better in the whole, wide world.

I can't imagine missing the pain and joy that children bring, for any amount of luxury travel. I can't. Parenting is not for sissies. Neither is love I guess. So that's the rub.

So beautifully written, Beck. The thing is I still plan to do the travel. Some of it with my kids and some once they are gone and my husband and I are on our own again. Having kids doesn't put your own dreams on hold it just changes them a bit. I too would trade anything for some guarantee of the safety and happiness of my babies.

Hey, I just read: "recent studies are showing that feeding a child only organic milk, cheese and yogurt can reduce their chances of developing any of those conditions (asthma) early on in life." I'm sure it has some benefit to those who already have asthma-- it was in the Daily Mail, UK, November 19, 2007. Here's the link: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=492666&in_page_id=1766&ito=1490

Well I picked both, taking my kids round the world with me.
But if I'd had to choose, well it would have been different.

In an ideal world we would have two decades of our 20s. One for self indulgent world travel, low paying high fullfillment jobs, and higher education. The other decade of 20ness would be for popping out pretty babies with low risk pregnancies and high rates of conception.

Sadly we all have to compromise. Some people are in denial about the trade offs and over compensate with rash justifications.

Speaking of compromise: my neighbour never wanted children until at 39 she married a much younger man who wanted a family and they 'compromised.' After four years of miscarriages, they investigated fertility treatments and adoption. But adoption costs the same as three big screen tvs, and since marrying she's started chain smoking which affected the effectiveness of her fertility treatments. WTF? Sounds to me like this compromise is about self-sabotage.

Sorry to hear about The Girl, but asthma treatments have come a long way since we were little. You should talk to Jen at Rosebud and Papoosie Girl - she knows alot about managing asthma.

I sometimes think about life without my kids and I can't imagine it--really, even with the heartache and sometimes bittersweetness of it all.

I don't know much about asthma--I hope the Girl grows out of it, too, as others are suggesting might--could--happen.

people often ask if i missed traveling before having kids. or they look at me sadly like it is so depressing that i chose to have kids rather that travel or "explore." i wouldn't trade any of it. ever. besides they will grow up and i will still be youngish and that will be the perfect time to travel.

I hope everything with the diagnosis turns out as well as possible. My sister was one of those who outgrew it.

Lovely post.

Just wanted to reassure you that asthma *is* something a child can grow out of. Puberty does wonderous things.

Looking forward to the recipe!

Isn't it funny how people think we can't explore and travel with kids? Frankly, I love the wonder they infuse in me when we go someplace new - I doubt I'll ever be jaded as long as there are children in the house.

No way would I trade ANYTHING for children!

sorry to hear about the bad news...I just posted a bad news on my son too...bronchitis...

but with mommy-power-pack-love from the 2 of us, I believe our children will be just fine.

Ultimately, its our presence that they need. Their biggest comfort from all illness is from us, being beside them. Isn't it?

At least she was happy with her life, I recently read an article - and I'm sorry, I have no idea where - by a woman who said she loved her grown daughters, but if she'd known then what she knew now, she wouldn't have had kids. WTF? Can you imagine reading those words from your mom?

I had asthma when I was a kid and it's gone now.

I love this sentence: "I would, if given the choice, pick a walk home in the cold rain with my pale laughing child any day over standing on some sandy beach in the South Pacific without her."

I have moments where I wish I could just take off and go do something spontaneous, but then I look at the smiling face of my baby boy and I would rather be homebound for the rest of my life than live on-the-go and having no idea of the depth of love that having children brings.

When I was 27 I felt that I to choose between looking to start a family (I was still single at the time) or going on for my PhD. Canadian Universities being what they are, it was clear to me that I could not do both in the way I would like (since there aren't enough Canadian Universities to offer teaching positions to all the PhD graduates chances are I would have had to accept a position in an American University and as such would have spent the next 4 years getting the PhD and then would have had to move to the States who knows where to find a job.

So, given the fact that I very much wanted to settle down and have children, the fact that I very much did NOT want to move to the States and the fact that as a philosophy student there was no rush for me to finish my PhD (it's not like there's going to be a big Socrates Breakthrough that I have to keep up with) I decided to take 5 years off, pay down my student loan a bit and see what life outside the Ivory Tower had to offer. Within a year of defending my thesis I was engaged. A year after that I was pregnant with Sarah. I've never looked back and never once regretted my decision.

This was a lovely post.

My husband had very scary asthma when he was a boy, and he grew up to be a big, healthy ox of a man. So that happens. Not that I think you want the girl to grow up to be an ox of a man.

I am living proof that childhood asthma can be (mostly) outgrown. I say "mostly" because if you are a cat and you are anywhere near me I will automatically start wheezing and need to take a puff of Drew's inhaler. Still, it's much better than it used to be. I hope for the same kind of future for my boy but, if not, asthma is very controllable these days.

I loved your last line (before you started talking about blue cheese). So beautiful and I whole heartedly agree.

Do you have asthma educator where you are? I found they were incredibly helpful when my youngest was diagnosed with that.

oh that was a beautiful post.i've been lurking here for awhile but decided to post a comment.my youngest was diagnosed with asthma in september.the guilt i feel every time the wee little thing gets ill is not something to be measured.she was premature and always seems to have something wrong...something none of her siblings ever had...but shes sweet and precious and happy...so you just learn to live with and manage things as best as you can...

Wow Beck. I really enjoyed this post and all the comments! You really have a way with words. Lovely really.

Sorry that The Girl has asthma. My 3 year old nephew was diagnosed with asthma this summer. Glad to hear that the medication is helping.

Your soup sounds delicious! Do post a recipe.

So sorry to hear about the asthma dx for The Girl; hopefully the right combination of whatever meds she needs will work for her...and Kayla and I send hugs to you both!

Here's hoping for a healthier winter with some medication for asthma symptoms. Thank goodness you got the diagnosis at a doctor's visit and not due to an emergency! I agree with you about that walk in the rain. I'll take frozen pizza with my kiddos over any exotic thing I might be doing without them. Like eating frozen pizza alone.

Sorry to hear about your daughter's diagnosis. Certainly, we hate to have anything afflict our children. I had my daughter many years ago and I understand that love that you are talking about. I can't even remember what life was before child. I wouldn't trade her for anything. However, that is because I already have her. That doesn't mean that if I had made the decision not to have children that my life could not have been complete. I know couples who have made that decision and they are very happy and full of love. I don't believe that one life is necessarily better than the other, it is just being content with the decisions that you make and realizing that there is no point in second guessing and living with regrets. If my daughter decides that she does not want to have children, I would respect her decision and never try to tell her otherwise. I am very happy with my life, and I'm so glad that you are too and, lucky us, that you express yourself so beautifully as usual!

Agh! Asthma SUCKS! I've been living with it for many years. BUT, there are medications out there now that are much better than when I was a kid, thank goodness! Good luck and hopefully it will be the kind you grow out of.

I have had asthma my entire life and lived very normally with it. My parents never let it stop my doing or trying anything and I think that was a big part of not letting it take over and affect our lives any more than necessary. Ironically, it subsided a lot when I was pregnant and has almost disappeared since the arrival of my second child, more than five years ago. In fact, I took up running this year (something I thought I would never be able to do)!!! I wish you and your daughter all the very, very best.