There's not enough written, I think, about bad food - failed meals, awful things other people have served us, horrid things we like to eat in private - unless it's in one of those embarrassment columns, the adult equivalent of that Young Miss column where girls write in with "hilarious" tales of getting their periods in awkward places. (like in an all-white convertible, let's say.) "I was so embarrassed when I accidentally served a blue turkey on Thanksgiving!" writes the humiliated but game submitter. "Ever since then, my family mocks me until I cry every holiday!"
But failed food isn't funny, not REALLY. Food costs money, for one thing, and a ruined meal can seem like a big platter of money turned to ashes. And it's humiliating to fail, only funny long afterwards and with a LOT of effort - who wants to be known forevermore as the witless woman who served a blue turkey at Thanksgiving?
I was once at a meal where everything had gone wrong - the dinner was a nauseating failure, the milk was spoiled, even the olives had been opened to reveal a thick layer of mold - and there was nothing really to do about it. Our hosts lived too far away from anywhere and were too poor for the meal to be replaced and so it was eaten, my husband and I hiding things our daughter quietly handed us in our pockets and bags, drinking her spoiled milk ourselves when our hosts backs were turned to save their feelings.
"Thank you. It was delicious," we lied afterwards and left, stopping a few miles down the road so I could throw up in a ditch. My husband and I still remember that meal years later with a lurid nostalgia, it being a truly unique final meal with some dear declining people, their final attempt to take care of us once more and what could we do but lie about it to them? They loved us and we loved them and wanted to spare them any pain.
My husband's birthday is coming up quickly. We generally invite his parents and grandmother and my parents to go out for dinner with us and then back here for cake afterwards. Sounds like a nice evening, right?
Dear Young Miss: I ruin my husband's birthday cake every year. What's up with that?
IT IS TRUE - every year, my husband's birthday cake is a nightmarish, lumpy horror with a texture like a kitchen sponge or a brick or something terribly in-between. I CAN bake cakes but something about making a cake for all of our parents causes my cakes to fail, like a wicked changeling switched in the oven for my real cake (which is, of course, delicious and airy and beautifully frosted and being eaten by mean little imps in the basement, no doubt.). It doesn't bother me so much about my own parents, since they've had plenty of occasions to eat my regular, successful baking, but wrecking a cake that my in-laws are going to eat EVERY TIME? Oh, that's embarrassing. And every year I head into the kitchen with the same good intentions and the same grim results, and every year, my husband cheerfully eats his awful, awful cake and then kisses me.
"Thank you," he always says. "It was delicious."
I have turned out horrible cakes for my husband for years, though fortunately there aren't generally in-laws consuming them. This year was the first year my cake turned out fine, which was immensely satisfying - it is so sad to spend a whole day on a cake that's supposed to be this gorgeous, tasty gift, only to have it turn out a miserable lump, tasting of the sawdust flour that the folks at the co-op assured you would work "just fine" as pastry flour...
You have a good man, Beck! Hang on tight to him.
I gave up baking cakes for my kids because they were always horrid. I finally just caved and starting buying store bought.
I cannot believe how kind you are all. I am a bit of a picky little food brat, I often opt for eating nothing at all rather than eat something I deem unpleasant. I can fake it in almost any other arena, but food? No thank you. I must be true to my picky little self. Except, in the case of my in-laws cooking while I was dating their son. They put onions in EVERYTHING. Onions are a deal-breaker for me. I swallowed my food whole for the first 6 months Josh and I dated so I wouldn't have the unpleasant experience of biting into a piece of onion. Eventually Josh told and now they humor me by pureeing all veggies before putting them into food. Did I mention I'm a picky food brat?
And in eating that spoiled meal so politely and thanking your hosts afterwards, you and your husband revealed who you really are. Warm, caring, kind, people who would never want to hurt someone you care about. You even wrote about it cautiously so as not to let anyone think badly of your host. That was precious, and a wonderful example to your daughter in how to treat people. Lovely.
Yes, I have made many a poopy meal. My chicken is usually over-cooked because I'm scared to death that I may poison my family. What makes it even worse is that my hubby is a really good cook so he always has to lie and say it was good. I'm getting better, but I still have to work on my chicken.
Thanks for the great post. :)
there must be some way to fake out the cake fairies that are jinxing your husband's birthday cakes. maybe the girl could make it next year? Just to mix it up a bit...
wow...i thought i was the only one with these problems. LoL!!!
I use o be the one dishing out those bad meals, but that was becasue I am a bad cook. hahaha!!!
I dont know why, (maybe the crowds) but I told myself I would try to purchase all of my food online, does anyone know where I can get quality food online? I know I am kind of breaking off topic, but I figure....if I cant make good food...why not buy it? hahahah!!! I tried Celebrity foods becasue a friend told me it was once of the best in my area, but I would like to know if you guys have any other suggestions???????
Anybody?
i can't imagine you baking a bad cake! i bet this year everything turns out great!
This year, while you're baking, imagine your in-laws in their underwear. It's a surefire way to reduce performance anxiety.
Whaddya say?
(That story is familiar to me, from months of dining at my great-aunt's; she was in her nineties at the time. The food was odd, at best, and vile, at worst. Luckily, we had not had children yet, so it was pretty easy to fake it.
You are kind, Beck and family.
It is nice to know that you have failures too. I had thought that in Blogland we could all be exactly who we wanted others to believe we were. Does that make sense? It is nice to see such honesty. But then ... that is par for the course on your blog. And I thank you for that.
This always happened to my mom growing up. She would make something she had made a hundred times for company and it would turn out horrible. I don't know why that happens, but it always does. Maybe you should just plan to make two cakes and the second one will come out better?
I posted here already but closed the window before I typed in the 'prove you're a human' digits.
Anyway...I'm sure what that cake lacks in looks, it makes up for in personality! ;)
And my husband baked me a cake for my B.D. last year that was (at least in part) delicious. But the logistics of it all just cracked me up. He carved out the unbaked center to create a boxy zero-shaped cake that we all devoured.
The first time my (now) good friend had us over for dinner we had these stuffed chicken cutlets thingies that tasted sort of minty. I thought it was intentional until she took a bite and looked at her boyfriend, eyes widened with horror and said, "WHAT kind of toothpicks did you buy to hold the chicken together?!"
Yep, they were mint-flavoured. We still laugh about it.
I feel the pain. My cakes used to have a crack the size of Florida down the middle. I would fill it with frosting but the family wasn't fooled. They knew it was there and so Hillary, who is the frosting queen, would hope to get the piece with the frosting filled fault.
I've heard that a Bailey's cheesecake makes a fine celebratory cake and, heck, you've got that one down!
I once attempted to bake my husband's favorite cake--an angel-food cake and the whole thing fell to pieces--in front of my mother-in-law, as I tried to invert it over the neck of a bottle.
Wow! perfect day for me to read this post -- after my hard-as-ROCKS cookies I made today! Thanks, Becks! :)
Um, did you read my Thanksgiving post? About the gravy? Horrible failure. I can relate to ruining or not rising to my high baking standards when it matters. It always happens when I really want to impress someone.
I didn't think it was possible for you to ruin anything you bake!
Hey, I keep meaning to ask - have you seen the movie Waitress? She makes the most wonderful pies, and the movie makes me think of you. Her creativity and love of baking pies is a beautiful thing to watch.
I laughed. I cried. Loved your blog, especially the ending.
Why, I just wrote about my unsuccessful Thanksgiving pies! Must be a theme this week.
I can't seem to bake a cake for company either. I made the cake for Linus's baptism and it was a horrible failure. When the girlfriend of my brother-n-law saw it she burst out laughing at me. I had to resist the urge to yank her hair! I was post-partem, I was sick, and all I wanted was to make the same cake that I always made that always came out beautifully...but no, this was a disaster! Luckily, my mother-n-law was wonderful, telling my how great the cake was despite its appearance!
I can't believe you drank the spoiled milk....you are truly a wonderful dinner guest and a truly warm beautiful person!
Loved your column, as usual Becky! Good timing on my part too. I hadn't baked a cake in years - until this weekend. Let's just say 'thank God for icing, and layers!' She was a short one, she was...
Ha! YOU DO NOT RUIN ANYTHING! That I am sure of...I routinely burn the bottoms of our muffins for some strange reason, but it is ok because we get to eat all the tops we want.
see...you give us all hope. even YOU ruin things sometimes!
I've tasted a few of your birthday cakes...every single one was delicious!! These failed cakes must all be in your head :)
lurid nostalgia. Very well put.
Awww, but your thought and effort is so sweet! My mother-in-law actually bakes my husband's annual birthday cake because I KNOW I couldn't compete. (Is this weird? Now I suddenly feel really inadequate!)
I'm always trying new recipes, with sometimes tepid results. There's something so hopeful about the act of baking or cooking itself, isn't it? (Which, I suppose, makes a poor end result that much more depressing! :)
You are a brave woman for posting this. I once made lemon bars without sugar. I love your photo. I wouldnt' have thought to take it -- yah for you!
I have had moments in an elderly person's home like the one you describe--but not a whole meal. You are truly loving and kind.
The key to no-fail cakes, I believe, is starting with a cake mix and then doctoring it until it is fabulicious. No one can usually tell there is cake mix in it and the cakes always rise and have a decent texture. I have some favorites from the cake mix doctor's cookbook if like to try them.
your husband is so nice!
Cakes ARE hard to make. I love how you told this story though!
I mostly just stick to cake mixes or better yet - let my hubby make it. He makes an amazing chocolate icing starting with Lindt dark chocolate (85%). I think the best cake I ever made was carrot cake. I had to make two - one for a family birthday party and another for a work party. When making the cakes I ran out of my normal cooking oil (probably canola) so used olive. Both cakes appeared the same but the one I took to work turned out great. The President of the company wolfed back 2 pieces! But the one I took to the family outing was bland and boring and no one asked for a 2nd piece. What was the difference I wonder? Tougher crowd? Guess I'll never know.
Oooo that meal sounds so gross. You are good people for sticking it out.
The running joke in our house is that whenever anyone asks what's for dinner, my husband always answers Pineapple Upside Down cake. This must be a dad thing, because my father always answered, Baked Alaska. I am a pretty good cook, but a lousy baker and so far, over 7 years we have had 3 failed versions of PUC, I try it once every 18 months or so. It's probably time to try another soon so I'll have another anecdote to contribute.