My life is one big crazy to-do list right now, this huge list of things that must happen or I'll ruin Christmas. No pressure there or anything. The Baby and I just went out into the briskly cold and cheerful day and decorated our porch FINALLY - my husband hates putting up the outdoor decorations before his birthday and this weekend was just INSANELY busy (we saw SANTA! SANTA! I KNOW HIM!) and it didn't get done by The Appropriate Person - aka MY HUSBAND - so I had to, for the millionth year in a row. (Isn't that the saddest thing you've ever heard?) I asked The Baby how the porch looked and she gave it an appraising, critical look.
"The porch looks AWESOME!" she said. And then she high-fived me for good measure. I'm going to get her to judge all of my efforts from now on: she is unreservedly on my side and everything I do is AMAZING.
Sometimes it occurs to me with this sudden shock that she is NOT a baby anymore. In four months, for example, she will be three. Three! That's a big kid! And there's no new baby on the way, which has never happened before - I have never had a child this age and not been pregnant, and parenting an old toddler/young preschooler without feeling exhausted/queasy/hugely fat is an odd sensation. Mostly I just feel bereft, though, with songs about a baby playing constantly in the background, this feeling of never again.
And then I make some cookies.
I don't know what the next phase of my life will hold - undoubtedly lots of baking, but as for everything else, I don't know. There's a chorus of lovely, supportive people in my life saying that I should write a book but that would involve prolonged effort and I don't like THAT. (which is why, I suspect, that I'm good at life with small children - our attention spans match.) I have no desire to go back to school, no desire for a career, no desire to do much of anything besides being at home with a small child I love and when that period of my life gently ends, will I look back on it as my one vital decade? Boy. That's a depressing thought.
So I guess I'll end up writing that book. It beats wringing my hands and weeping for the next 30 years, which is what I'm making it sound like RIGHT NOW. Maybe I'll be very good at it. Right now though, I would love to rest my hand gently on my own belly while all those Christmas songs are playing, would love to look into my new child's slate grey eyes for the very first time. Someone, my husband always says gently, had to be the last child, and The Baby will be ours.
Next year, The Girl will be nine and The Boy will be nearly seven and The Baby on her way to four and so this is my last year with a houseful of small children at Christmas. This is our last Christmas with children eager for magic and crafts and cookies and every day they get older and older and Christmas gets closer and my to-do list won't finish itself, no pressure there or anything.
Don't forget that, while they are not 9 - 7 - and almost 3, they will continue needing you in all sorts of ways for YEARS to come. We found it very difficult to give up on the believing part at Christmas, even as we got older. Since we continued getting presents under the tree and in our stockings, we had no problem giving the props to the man in the red suit (greedy children that we were). And seriously, have you met ANYONE who isn't eager for cookies on any day of the year?? Cheer up ... and remember this post when the girl is 16, the boy almost 14 and the baby nearly 10 and you're pulling your hair out because of rampaging hormones:)
No, no pressure at all. I was wondering just the other day, did I know, when I picked my child up for the last time to carry him somewhere, that it would be the last time? Did I know, when I put the spoon in his mouth, that I would never again feed him? When did that happen? Those independent steps that led him/them to be all on their own and no longer needing me? I wish I could remember that and have those times indelibly marked in my brain.
But alas ... it is just life ... and leaves me somewhat sad.
I've been feeling the same way lately, and getting over-emotional about "lasts" and "firsts". I just figure that I have thoroughly enjoyed each and every stage so far, so I'm bound to enjoy what's to come.
But sweetie. They are always small, in a way. Aren't they?
I know what you mean. The girls were decorating the tree, bigirl, so big, and I remembered the year she was two, her Dad holding her high to put the angel on the top, and these past five years both girls being held up to put it on together..
damn. now I'm all emotional.
I can so relate! Our "baby" is four now and the land of soft downy heads seems very faaaar away. We have not said 'never' it just seems with each passing day we get a little further away. And on many days that is fine with me and on many others it is most certainly not.
Another child is something I fear and want so badly, so urgently. They say you know when your family is 'done' clearly this is not the case for me.
I can so relate! Our "baby" is four now and the land of soft downy heads seems very faaaar away. We have not said 'never' it just seems with each passing day we get a little further away. And on many days that is fine with me and on many others it is most certainly not.
Another child is something I fear and want so badly, so urgently. They say you know when your family is 'done' clearly this is not the case for me.
I have wanted another baby for about four years. *sigh* If this is what I get, just one, I will be happy for it. You never know. Plus my guess is they will still like doing crafts with you for a while. My mom and I still do all kinds of crafty stuff and we are MUCH older than the kiddos.
um, I'm still not done with magic and I'm in my thirties. I will come next year and ooo and aah at all your magical holiday creations - just in case your kids are too old and cool for it - but I doubt they will be.
why do they grow SO MUCH? And they will always need cookies, beck. my mom is making some right now to send to me.
oh look at you (and all the lovely comments), you guys have got me all emotional.
Oh. I have been having baby yearnings this week too. Yearnings that I really thought had passed. Infertility and loss have taken a heavy toll on myself and my family, and I thought I had reached a point of contentment with the three we have been blessed to keep. It scares me to think of having another, but makes me sad to think of "no more". Who would that next one be? What might she or he bring to the party? Yet in spite of the yearnings, I do think we will never know.
Sigh.
I feel the same way. So nostalgic thinking about this child possibly being my last. I feel this is the best time of my life. And when this phase is done, then what? Yes, I can always go back to school, volunteer, join groups, blah, blah, blah. Nothing I do will ever compare with raising my kids. Weeping and wringing my hands for the next 30 years sounds about right to me.
Boohoo. :(
Sigh.
Hmm I don't know. Given the choice between baby in the tum and watching and playing with grandchildren, it would be hard to choose.
There again neither is likely any time soon.
Cheers
I suppose one of them had to be our last. That will be my son, only two babies in! Alas, I suppose it's a natural feeling. The longing. But there are so many good things to older children. I suspect. One I'm especially looking forward to is the day that one of them unloads the dishwasher. I'm sentimental like that.
I know. Exactly.
I am so very done with having kids, except when I'm not. But I am. You know?
You do.
I don't want another baby, I really don't - but when I held my best friend's newborn this weekend for a minute I did. My family is perfect, but there's always the mourning for the part of your life that's past.
Go eat a cookie.
this won't help much.. but if ever there was a woman who could mother a dozen children with love, grace, wisdom and nurturing it is you...
whatever it is that you do choose to do you will shine. Me? I'm following my kids to school I think :)
I've always been content with two, although we've tossed around adoption. Sometimes I still yearn for more.
But 'someone had to be the last child' is so true. I think I will have gray hair and still miss the days when my kids were so tiny.
{I think your kids will still be excited for years to come; how can they resist?}
oh now i'm sad. mine are 10, almost 8 and 3 and there's not another on the way. i'm still hopeful though. i'm not giving up and writing a book just yet.
There is still time... and my baby just turned nine, and we can't have any more. Boo. Hoo. Seriously. I still get VERY sad about it.
Magical. Your words are so magical.
Christmas ... so much to do ... kids growing so quickly.
Yay! Book!!!
We have twins as our first and last, so the small children phase will pass quickly for us. I don't know if that makes it easier, as we don't have time to settle in and get used to it, or not.
Well I for one hope your book is a cookbook and it reads just like this with magic and cookies and love.
You are a tremendous mom Beck and I very much doubt that you will look back on these days as your 'one vital decade'. This kind of foundation is so important for children and I say that as someone who works with teenagers who all act like they hate their parents.
Trust me, they will always appreciate the cookies. I made some with my girl tonight because I am TRYING ever so hard to be the mom who just wants to be home with the baby she loves. It is a very, very hard job to do well. I am waiting for that book or list of magical celebrations throughout the year or was that just a tease?
Sigh. I know.
At your recommendation, I am now reading Peg Bracken, both her cookbook and one of her other books. Whenever I pick them up, I think of you. Your voices are so similar. I'm sure any book you write will be equally engaging. I would definitely read it. Food for thought.
(and by the way)...Have you ever read "The Unprejudiced Palate?" Another good foodie book, in a similar style, lots of witty ramblings by an Italian immigrant to the U.S. with recipes (sorta) tucked away inside. Summary... The good life involves good food.
And by the way, I feel the same way. Vibrant decade, inded. My "baby" is now 5, almost 6. Sigh.
i hadn't thought about this specifically.
*sigh*
blessings,
K
My baby is 3 as well, so I'm sighing right alongside you.
Oh, great! Now you've dredged up all those old longings in me. Actually, you didn't. I do it to myself ALL THE TIME! My "baby" just turned six, and though we've been hopeful thus far, it looks as if our family is finished. I also have a nine year old. It's probably for the best. Pregnancy has wreaked havoc on my body, and I am almost forty though I have a friend who is forty and just had her seventh baby. Now that wears me out thinking about it.
Wow! Christmas doesn't lose it's magic for all kids at such a young age. You could always think about writing a book...eventually. Like when the baby is in school or something.
oh. i shouldn't have read this.
;)
yearning here, too....
I know! My baby just turned one. The night before her birthday, that last hour of her babyhood, I almost cried. I have four, very close together in age (7, 5, almost 3, and 1), and even though I definetely need a break, I'd love to have one more baby...But yes, someone has to be the last. And my husband thought the last two were the last ones...
Ha! Love the Elf quote. That movie mkes me laugh.
Chrismas is still magic for me..
There will be next year! The baby will be four! That's hardly too old for Christmas.
My "little ones" are 13 and 15 and the 15 year old is 8 inches taller than me. This year they have not only written the to-do list (a few things I had thought they were too old to be interested in are at the top) and are helping execute it--with great joy, anticipation and pride. It shifts. But they have been well-raised in our crazy definition of Christmas and seem to be doing all they can to perpetrate it. There's hope!
I was yearning for the little child time of parenting Sunday night, and the little child time for me is *right* now! Why am I getting misty eyed over pregnancy test commercials while I am *currently* pregnant?! Will I always be like this? Maybe it's the hormones....
No more babies here either (we substituted with a puppy this year, if that helps your I-Wanna-Little-One lust...)
LOVED this:
"I'm going to get her to judge all of my efforts from now on: she is unreservedly on my side and everything I do is AMAZING." *giggle*
I remember those more baby yearnings many many moons ago for me. Now I don't mind to just enjoy other people's babies. I did enjoy your posting, but I can't agree that this is your last Christmas with young children. Your kids are still very young and there will be many more great Christmases. Besides, when you put as much effort into making the celebration as special as you do, they will cherish it no matter what the age. So enjoy the season and the many more to come!!
Oh, my dear. it stays good--just different. Think of the things you can do with the kids as they get older. Maybe one day you and the Baby will write a cookbook together. And the joy you feel when you are high-fived by a toddler is magnified when you are high-fived by your teenaged son.
Revel in every moment that you can bend over freely this Christmas. Being pregnant is wonderful but so is NOT being pregnant. :-)
Ah, this is a melancholy post...and it somewhat matches my own thoughts yesterday. I'm struggling a bit with MY baby turning FOUR in January...
I don't even want another baby and I felt melancholy reading this. My baby will be 5 in January and that I am finding unbelievable but with every year I find them more and more interesting and amazing. I may as well 'cause it's inevitable.
Ahh Beck. What a sad post about a beautiful life. I think it's wonderful that there is no where else you would rather be than where you are right now. So few people have that. Good discovering your next phase in life, but don't worry yourself about it too much. Your children are going to need you for years and years to come.
I loved your post. It was so beautiful. There was so much in there that reminds me of my own family and how I feel about so many things in my life right now.
Very poignant and so true to my heart. Our kids are somewhat similar in ages (My Girl: 8 in 11 days, My Boy: 6 in Feb, My baby: just turned 3 last month), so I feel you are a sort of Great White North parallel universe me--only much, much more expressive and talented. Thank you for plucking those grainy, whispy thoughts out of my brain and arranging them into the perfect word order I would say--if I weren't more of the "grammar freak" instead of the "creative freak" of the English language.
Love the Elf quote!! :)
You have the most fortunate children in the whole wide world. So few people really know how to "be" around kids- you've got it down pat!!
thanks for sharing your thoughts - they are wistful, touching and sweet. they also make me appreciate my pregnancy more (my third, and a surprise), and teach me to value this time instead of wishing it away.
I don't think you need to worry. With the way kids are these days they are sure to be living with you until they are at least 45.
I just read this, better late than never!
Your post was wonderful, honest, and sweet. I could hardly read it through the tears in my eyes. Thank you for posting something that I think all of us Moms can relate to. It is what bonds us as women.
Reading this post makes me want to wake up my baby daughter with hugs and kisses, and then and call my Mom! Alas, it is late, so the photo album will have to do for now...
Merry Christmas, and thank you.