urbanmoms.ca Book Club

Kids Are Worth It!

All of our featured products and services on urbanmoms.ca are tested and approved by our testing panel.  The following is a review of Barbara Coloroso's "Kids are Worth It!" by an urbanmoms.ca panel member.

If I had been asked to review Barbara Coloroso's "Kids are worth it!" a year ago when I first purchased this book and my sons had recently turned five and two, I would not have been the most positive supporter of the national bestseller. Coming from a family upbringing where the parenting style was the polar opposite of Coloroso's approach, quite frankly, I had a hard time buying into some of her methods and techniques.

I certainly agreed with her basic tenet that the role of a parent is to love their children unconditionally, and to empower and positively influence them by teaching them how to think, not what to think (who wouldn't). I love her premise that you must teach your children that interactions with others should be kind, compassionate, fair and honest (of course!) I even agree with giving kids the opportunity to make lots of choices (even mistakes) and learn from them as long as the decisions they make are not, as Coloroso likes to say, "life-threatening, morally threatening or unhealthy". And, I was thrilled to discover that I was even using some of her methods already. So what was my problem?

Like anything in life there is theory and there is practical application. Coming from a more traditional family upbringing, some of Coloroso's techniques do not always come naturally. She is quite upfront about the fact that her approach is no "quick fix" to the daily frustrations of parenting, and I would alert parents, especially those who came from a background like me, to invest in a huge pot of patience when setting out on Coloroso's parenting journey. The rewards are not immediate, you have to be prepared to let some stuff go (does it really matter if they go to school wearing the red and green striped shirt with the orange pants and black socks?) You have to keep believing that, over time, this approach will have a positive outcome.

At first, some of her methods seemed so abstract that I really couldn't connect them to my immediate daily needs, and there were times I thought the book was lacking in truly practical advice (apart from toilet training, allowances and getting your kids out of jail - really!) Eventually, I realised that the same few basic techniques apply to almost every situation, and with perseverance, I am discovering that Coloroso's wisdom is paying dividends - not just for my children (well, the now 3 year-old is still in crash and burn mode), but for me too.

Now, if you are now imaging me as serene as Maria Von Trapp, and my children as two perfect angels oozing empathy and goodwill from every pore - think again. There's life in a book and there's real life. I do get frustrated and resort back to "because I said so" mode, especially when I am tired, and my kids are typical messy, rough and tumble boys. But, I do feel on the whole, that the Coloroso approach is paying off, and has formed a foundation I return to time and time again.

To wit, two recent events. First my highly competitive six year old who couldn't stand to lose a game of hide and seek only a few months ago, was proudly and good naturedly cheering on his friend's soccer team this past weekend, in the finals of a local competition, while he would dearly loved to have had the chance of winning a trophy himself. Second, this morning's mass exodus from the house, when he realized half way to school that he had forgotten something he really wanted to show his classmates. While I was bracing for "disaster mode", he quite casually said,"That's OK. I can show them on Monday."

Phew! Moments like this confirm that Coloroso's book is definitely worth it!

If there were to be any improvements to Kids are worth it, I would suggest the following: 1. adding guidelines on age-appropriate behavioral expectations, 2. a more logical flow (it jumps from familiarizing you with the basics, directly to getting your kids out of jail - yikes!) and 3. the addition of some easy reference pages, as handy reminders and quick review during a crisis.

However, overall it's a great book for all types of parents providing affirmation for those who already have Coloroso-style parenting approach, and offering great advice for those of us who feel that a little extra help is needed. Start reading it when your children turn two or three and remember, in the author's own words: You're worth it! Your kids are worth it!

If you would like to order this book, click on the link above.  Please share your comments below or email us with questions or ideas.

Kate - an urbanmoms.ca panel member

Safe Kids, Safe Families

Our urbanmoms.ca panel recently reviewed a new book called Safe Kids, Safe Families by Samantha Wilson.  The author, who worked in London, Ontario as a police officer focusing on crimes against children, has written this book as a practical guide to protecting your children.  Our urbanmoms.ca review panel for this book was made up of moms with children ranging in age from newborn to teenager.

The panel all agreed that, although a disturbing topic, the book did a good job of offering practical strategies on protecting your child.  The information was presented in a way that was easy to understand and not too dramatic.  The author addressed the fact that fear sells in the media and challenged our preconceptions about what the real threats are to our children - not the highly publicized stranger abductions that are in fact very rare but the unassuming family friend or the "friends" your teenager meets online.

Our panel was excited to have the opportunity to speak to the author. 

How do you prepare your child without scaring them?

This is a common dilemma that many parents of inquisitive kids have.  It is important to focus on the good and positive responses to your questions, rather than the scary and gruesome details of the aftermath. As a parent, you have the control of where the conversation leads.  So always keep this in mind when talking about safety to your kids.

Traditionally, child safety education whether it is from the home or school, focuses on what would happen if you make unsafe choices. Often a lesson is followed by “if you don’t do this, he will abduct you, or you will fall and crack your head open, or he will take you and I will never see you again.  These are all very scary images for kids.  And by making them fearful, you are actually doing more harm than good.

When you ask your kids “What would you do if…. some approaches you and asks you to get into the car?”  you are opening up a dialogue and conversation about a potentially scary situation that is bound to bring on some probing questions.  So it is important that you focus on the correct response to the situation not what would happen if they got into the car.  The details of what happens is not important, what is important is that they learn not to get into the car.

So the best way to prepare all kids to make safe choices without scaring them is:

Choose age-appropriate topics and lessons.  Make sure that the information you are giving is age appropriate.  You do not need to teach your kids about abduction, if they are 4 - 7 years old.  There is no reason they should ever be unsupervised at this age, and they are not qualified for the job of protecting themselves.  Instead you need to teach them what to do if they become lost or separated from you. 

Focus on positive choices rather than scary outcomes.  Encourage your children to look at the good that will result of a safe choice, rather than the bad that may result from a bad choice.  If you ask them what to do if they are approached by someone that they don’t know that asks them to get into their car…and they answer “ run and tell an adult they trust and never get into the car”  you should praise them for making the safe choice.  If they ask what happens if they got into the car, your response should be, “you don’t know this person, I don’t know this person so anything could happen.  People who try to get kids into their cars, are not nice and should never be trusted.

Do not give gruesome and frightening examples.  Kids know that there are good guys and bad guys in the world.  They don’t need to know the details of what a bad guy does.  Especially at a very young age.  All they need to know is that they can make a safe choice and that their parents will support this and reward it.  Resist the temptation to answer your child’s questions with details that area not age appropriate and will only serve to increase their fears.  Remember you are in control of the conversation and the direction it takes.