You've been through some tough times with me here these past few years. My mother's illness and death, the breakdown of my marriage, my return to full-time work and moving to a new home with my girls. I would say it's been like a roller-coaster, only it hasn't. For the longest time, it was like nothing other than an uninterrupted free-fall. If I thought I had gone as low as I could, it seemed I would only fall further. I felt, at times, as though my luck had left me and I thought that maybe I had used up all my allotment of happiness in my earlier, younger years. That all that was left to me now was loss and fear and sadness.
But then, suddenly it seemed, life turned around. It's funny, because when asked I will tell people that it seemed to happen one weekend, after I decided to finally unpack my bedroom. I took all the boxes out of my closet, gave away a lot of clothes I never wear, threw out a lot of junk, hung some art, brought in a lamp and a chair and heaved an enormous sigh. Suddenly it seemed as though this place was, finally, mine. After nearly six months of living there, it felt like home. And it was as though a psychic weight had lifted from my shoulders. I felt lighter, happier, more carefree than I had in - literally - years.
Around the same time, another kind of weight lifted: I decided I had absolutely had it with my new, fat self. You see, during the summer I had given myself permission to do whatever I wanted, and I was in forgiveness mode. So, if I wanted to read a book in bed with a glass of red wine and a bowl of peanut butter cups, then that was damn well what I was going to do. Which is in a way fun, but not without its consequences. So I had started the school year fatter than I had ended it, and I was seriously disgusted with myself. To mend this state of affairs, I decided to try a weight loss plan some of my friends had experienced great success with - Ideal Protein. As I write this, I have lost some 25 pounds, and I feel like not only have I got my life back, but my body as well.
It seems my luck didn't entirely desert me. Perhaps it just took a longish nap.
Whatever the case, be it luck, hard work or a combination of both, I can't remember being this content with my life in years. And the result is a feeling of lightness - of openness, actually. I feel now as though I am open to all the possibilities that exist for me out there. As though I can embrace change and grow from the experience.