Yesterday I had lunch with my dad. We usually do this once a week or so since my mom died and my dad moved a few blocks away from us. My sisters live thousands of kilometres away so my dad and I spend a lot of time together. He is a fixture at my kids' sporting events, chatting with all of the parents because he is our carpool angel. This keeps him busy and helps us out. Mostly, when my dad and I have lunch, we just chat about the news, or history (one of his favourite topics), the kids or "the girls" (my sisters).
But yesterday we talked about something we often avoid, my mom. We don't avoid it because it isn't important. In fact, the opposite is true. But it is hard and painful and it gets us nowhere. Plus, we are both criers so it can get messy. What my dad said to me yesterday wasn't really new to me but I think it was the first time I really heard what he was saying. I think it was the first time I thought about it in the context of my own life.
My dad told me about his regrets. He didn't go into detail and he didn't have some major confession to make. It was nothing like that. What he said was that he wished he had done some things differently. He wished he had appreciated everything my mom did and who she was more and that he had told her so more often. He said he wished he had just let some things go instead of making it difficult.
My parents loved each other and they had a happy marriage. But what I heard from my dad was that losing her early meant he didn't have the chance to make some things right. At least for himself in his own mind. My mom understood my dad better than anyone and she loved and accepted him. But once someone is gone, that's it. You can't do or say the things you never got around to.
But even greater than that is that if you live like this every day, you won't have to. If you treat your partner how you would wish you had if they died, you won't be in a position to look back with regret.
I know there are things both my husband and I could do better. And I would hate for this (knock on wood) to be where it all ends. I would definitely have regrets. With our busy lives and all of our future plans I know I would look back and wonder why I hadn't appreciated him more or why I couldn't just let some things go instead of harping on them.
It reminded me of a wonderful and hauntingly true song by the spectacular Kate Bush:
So, no regrets.
But yesterday we talked about something we often avoid, my mom. We don't avoid it because it isn't important. In fact, the opposite is true. But it is hard and painful and it gets us nowhere. Plus, we are both criers so it can get messy. What my dad said to me yesterday wasn't really new to me but I think it was the first time I really heard what he was saying. I think it was the first time I thought about it in the context of my own life.
My dad told me about his regrets. He didn't go into detail and he didn't have some major confession to make. It was nothing like that. What he said was that he wished he had done some things differently. He wished he had appreciated everything my mom did and who she was more and that he had told her so more often. He said he wished he had just let some things go instead of making it difficult.
My parents loved each other and they had a happy marriage. But what I heard from my dad was that losing her early meant he didn't have the chance to make some things right. At least for himself in his own mind. My mom understood my dad better than anyone and she loved and accepted him. But once someone is gone, that's it. You can't do or say the things you never got around to.
But even greater than that is that if you live like this every day, you won't have to. If you treat your partner how you would wish you had if they died, you won't be in a position to look back with regret.
I know there are things both my husband and I could do better. And I would hate for this (knock on wood) to be where it all ends. I would definitely have regrets. With our busy lives and all of our future plans I know I would look back and wonder why I hadn't appreciated him more or why I couldn't just let some things go instead of harping on them.
It reminded me of a wonderful and hauntingly true song by the spectacular Kate Bush:
So, no regrets.
Okay, first off: that's Counselor Troi in the video!
And second, I would so love to be able to have lunch with Dad every week. He is a wise man and has a lot to teach us. Thanks for the great reminder and the great post.
Thanks for sharing his wisdom Jen. It's so easy to forget how trivial things will seem if you lose someone. Working on it. And for the record: I love that song. (Hadn't heard this version -My favourite is sung by Maxwell.)
What a special post. Fathers are wonderful. Sounds like yours is exceptional. Cherish every moment you have with him. I know you already do.
That song is my favourite Kate Bush song. I remember hearing it for the first time when watching the movie She's Having a Baby with Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern when she's gone in to deliver. I bawled. And I always associate that song with that movie and that scene in particular.
Oh man, and you added the song for good measure just in case I wasn't bawling already.
"I know you have a little life in you yet, I know you have a lot of strength left". I repeated those lines to my Dad so many times as he laying dying in hospital. I haven't played the song in a few months-- gets me every time. Thanks for sharing.
thanks for the reminder. so great that you are having this time with your Dad. This song just made me cry. a lot.
if there's ONE thing this year has taught me it's that life is super fragile and you just NEVER know.
I have really been trying my hardest to spend as much time with loved ones as I can...and constantly making sure they know how much I love them.
Your dad is a wise, wise man. Hugs.
what is it with 80's videos and their ability to make you cry? i wasn't affected at first since the fella is the 'goofy guy' from the blackadder series but was completely moved by the end of it. really hit home how much we're taking for granted over here. thanks for the words....