This has been a hot topic lately both in the media and in my circle of friends. If you follow moms on twitter or facebook or read their blogs you too will see that jokes about drinking or prescription drug use are rampant. But are they really joking? The sad thing is that many are not.This may be a huge generalization but from what I see (this is MY opinion and experience), stay-at-home moms who had a career but now don't work are the most vulnerable. Those whose husbands make a lot of money and are not around a lot. Those whose lives revolve around their kids and their friends. Those who have little sense of self-worth and accomplishment in their daily lives. Some of these women are lonely and bored and their worlds are so small. Some of them fill this void with drinking. It starts innocently enough at playdates, lunches, and evenings out but then with the stress of raising kids, the lack of stimulation and an often absent husband, drinking fills the gap.
Recently Oprah had an episode on moms who drink and drive. Many of these moms are in complete denial about a) the safety issues and b) the fact that this is a major red flag that something just ain't right. It is amazing what we can convince ourselves of when we want to.
Then, 20/20 did an episode on moms who drink and it was so sad that I cried. I cried because I can relate to watching someone quickly slip into depression, alcoholism and self-destruction and not know what to do about it. I can relate to watching a friend make excuses, drink and drive, and make a fool out of themselves publicly all while pretending that nothing out of the ordinary is going on or, more often, placing the blame somewhere else. I can relate to her isolating herself, making decisions under the influence and putting her children and others at risk.
I have listened as people laughed and gossiped but most often I have listened as concerned friends ask, "what can we do to help?" But none of us know. We don't know what to do. We are watching someone self-destruct. She is falling apart but she has pulled away so far that she is, in many ways, unrecognizable.
Plus, we are afraid. We are afraid of being wrong, of being shunned or of taking on someone else's baggage. We are afraid she will turn us away, denying there is a problem yet again. We are afraid something terrible will happen as we sat around trying to figure out what to do. We are afraid to take her private shame public even though it is obvious and everyone knows, we all turn a blind eye.
So, my UrbanMom friends, I ask you, what do we do? Can we help her if she doesn't want to be helped? Have you ever been through anything like this? What did you do? Now, I don't need some self-righteous "you should be ashamed of yourself for not stepping in sooner" garbage. We have tried. Many of us. To no avail. Desperate times, folks.
You know, I think if you all imagine that it could end up being your kid she hits with her car because she is drunk, then you all won't hesitate to do some kind of intervention. It is hard because she is a friend but you have to be direct and you have to do something. If when confronted she doesn't change then you have to report her if you see her getting in her car while drinking or buzzed. Just alert police with her plate number and location. I sound so harsh but my God, the streets are so crazy with moms who are running late and driving carelessly, I had not ever imagined one of those moms could be drunk.
Driving aside, her kids need their mom to be sober. Love isn't enough. I know, my Dad whom I loved dearly was an alcoholic and was only sober for the last ten years of his life. I know I missed out on so much in my childhood because I was so afraid, because we didn't know if he was tanked or not. One great blessing was he never did learn to drive.
Do something soon. Don't wait.
Jen, I have noticed all the tweets and blog notes on drinking. As someone who rarely drinks, I have really started keeping mental tabs of concern. I have a friend who drinks excessively and has even embarrassed herself, being tipsy at business meetings or when her son has friends over. Her son is in his early teens now, so he and his friends have noticed. It seems to me that once it's legal to drink outside the house, it's ok for her to drink at home.
I know her family has tried to step in, to no avail. She walks a line and because she is a functioning alcoholic in many ways, it's hard to force change. The original causes or even current aggravations and concerns that have her drinking don't matter. What should matter is that she is an extremely bright person, who has family, health an financial concerns that she has trouble meeting head on and uses drinking as crutch.
I personally cannot understand why people can't stop - why they can't see that it further weakens them, further chemically depresses them, plays havoc with sugar and sleep cycles etc. I know other closet drinkers, male and female.
You would think they would stop for their children's sake.
What I see in all cases is an underlying depression that is not being admitted or proactively managed, whether by therapy or meds or both.
Perhaps instead of trying to persuade someone who is now addicted to a substance to stop using it... those who are concerned just press for their friend to get psychological help or to keep trying to get closer and perhaps the friend will eventually offload some of their internal stress and confide in friends who care.
It's so frustrating, I know! It boggles my mind how these talented, bright individuals don't pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, but I feel they are chemically prone to the call of depression, anxiety etc. They are just not physiologically as equipped as they should be.
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Jen: I'm sure it was very hard for you to write this. I hope the tears and the dialogues that come from it help her and others like her out there.
You are being a good friend by sending this message and plea for advise out into the universe.
Would it be tasteless to say that reading about the sadness of her situation (and others) has made me really want a glass of wine!!!
Love to you from me :)
Great post, as always, Jen. Have you done an intervention? I know interventions work -- I've seen it first hand. Get the husband, and even the kids (if age appropriate) involved, go to "al anon" if she's a close friend -- her family should certainly be going for the great support they offer for families, because it's important that they don't "enable" her. Intervention. For the sake of her children (among others), she NEEDS to get help. Now. ((hugs))
I used to be one of those drinking moms on an unstoppable downward spiral. After years of drinking, I have been sober 5 months now, and my life has changed dramatically. Some are good changes, higher self esteem, residual weight loss, etc, but some are not so good. Because drinking is such a highly acceptable practice, I often find myself on the outside looking in on my husband, other family members, and friends as they enjoy themselves with a drink. In fact, no one seems to notice the way that absentminded "Oh, that's right, you don't drink anymore" and "too bad you don't drink anymore" has alienated me.
I ramble on, but my point is this: If you truely love your friend, an intervention with all of her friends and family would be the way to go. But don't be accusing, judgmental, or callused, because this will just push her away. And be prepared for her to feel angry and resentful. It is only natural. But after some space and time to think, she will see your side. Encourage her to get the proper help. Alcoholism is serious and there are trained professionals to help. Let them do their job. And most of all, if you love her enough to have an intervention, don't forget to support her once the recovery begins. Don't drink in front of her. Don't talk about alcohol in front of her. And host gatherings that are completely non alcoholic. If you really love her, dry parties won't matter to you.
Thanks SO much, Recovering Mama. It helps so much to hear from someone who has been there and is still coping. I can totally see the social isolation aspect and will definitely consider this along with everything else you have said. Kudos to you for your courage and strength.
I too have had friends who seem to always go too far. I can't say that I haven't had too many drinks myself but I really try to rein it in. When I have had too much I have really regretted it physically and emotionally. Unfortunately, there are groups of moms who get together and drink almost all the time. I love that we all like to get together but it always seems that certain ones drink WAY too much. I seriously worry about them but I am NOT as brave or feel like I know them enough to comment on it. Sometimes it feels that some others like that someone else is worse off or going too far more than them. I have just laid low and minimized going out with the overthetop drinkers as I am so uncomfortable with it.
Alcoholism is an addiction, an illness. I know a friend who also drinks alot. One night after being out to the bar. She went to put her son to bed lucky the babysitter was there. If it wasn't for her the Mother would have dropped her little boy on a flight of stairs. I dont do drugs of any kind or do I drink except the odd glass of wine on special occasions. I think that we as Mothers or Fathers have to set a good example for our children so they dont end up with these addictions as they become teens and as a result then carry them into adulthood. I would find all the support systems that I could. As in Alcoholics Anon. This group provides ongoing support and a sponsor to talk to if your friend feels a need to take a drink.
In the meantime I would not drink with her not even socially. Thats just letting her feed her addiction even more instead of taking responsibility for her choices. I would get her some informative numbers and flyers. Try to use statements such as: I feel your drinking to much, and I am very worried about you. How can we work together as friends to resolve this problem? The last thing a person with an issue wants to be is attacked. Sounds as if she does feel isolated socially and maybe needs to get out more. Hopefully there is some women groups that she can sign up for to meet other mothers and get out more. Since no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe she is depressed being always stuck with the children well the husband works thats if she is not doing this all alone. Maybe you could take her kids well she attends these support groups or maybe help her find someone who can. The road to healing is never easy. With alot of love, compassion and empathy. I hope she finds the courage to beat this issue and be on the path to recovery and sobriety but unless your friend realizes that she has a problem drinking to much there is not alot you can do to help. She has to see this for herself and really sincerely want help for her addiction. I wish your friend the best!!
As someone who has recently had to deal with depression and start on medication and councellor this could be a lot of this moms problem.
No one knows the pain of depression unless you have been there.
She could be trying to hide her pain through drinking because she does not know how to deal with what is going on inside her.
I don't want people knowing what I am going through so on the outside I am this happy go lucky person but before the medication I went on I would come home and cry and hide.
I am now working along side a friend who is dealing with depression and walking her through how she is able to get the help. Maybe find if she does feel like she is depressed and may need to talk to a doctor. With the doctor they discuss the drinking. hope this helps
I think that drinking gets out of control when #1 - you are trying to fill a hole inside you left for whatever reason and #2 - you have an addictive personality. I drink socially (and how!) as do all my friends - just a well adjusted, fun loving, wine drinking crowd - we are not trying to mend old wounds and we all know when to pull the plug. No holes, no addictive traits.
Every couple of days for a couple of months I would see the same neighbourhood mom drunk. Not tipsy but drunk. Not in the evening after something social, but in the daytime. I stopped gave her a hug and she fell apart. She was waiting for someone to help. With several school aged children, she would get behind the wheel of the car and go here and there. I took her dog, her children and her pain for an afternoon and evening and sent her home in a friend's car. The most astounding thing was her husband telling me I had been the first to reach out. I hardly knew her- where were her people? who were her friends? her neighbours?It made me wonder- what kind of a community are we? Sunny day, only?
Well said Nancy. Where is the community? Our culture stigmatizes alcoholism (and mental illness) and as a result people judge harshly and are generally ill informed, they don't know what to do or how to help. Sometimes it is not possible to help, but as a wise recovering addict/addiction counsellor told me recently, "How could you live with yourself if you didn't try".
I am not going to speak to the situation in this post because I do not know the details. I will try to provide some information about the disease so that maybe there can be some understanding and less judgement.
Not all alcoholics have to hit "rock bottom" before they decide to seek help. Many recognize that their disease is progressing (yes it's a progressive disease with stages) and seek help before they get to the final, life threatening stage. Interventions often help the person see this. Why wait to have one? There are many organizations and counsellors who can help. I will post some links at the end.
Some people are genetically predisposed to alcoholism, their neurology and physiology makes addiction more likely than for others. Also, long term drinking changes the chemistry of the brain. Permanently. This makes it very difficult to quit. If you want details read "Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism" by Katherine Ketcham.
Sometime interventions do work and get the person into a treatment centre and then Alcoholics Anonymous which has the lead in helping people recover, not cure, recover. Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics. Helping that person get there is the best one can do; get to the treatment centre and AA.
Links:
http://www.aatoronto.org/webapp/app/webroot/index.php
http://phoenixsolutionsonline.com/
http://www.renascent.ca/
http://www.oasismovement.org/
Look in the phone book under addiction and you will find provincially funded centres.
Amazing, thank you for posting about it. The subject appears fascinating. Will make a note of the website and pop back again. Seems like an awesome learning resource. Take care. Henry
I was watching a show the place lottery winners have been the focused. Over half stated they have been much happier earlier than they gained the cash and in the event that they had to do it over, they wish they hadnt won. Are they loopy!
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Those who say that it is absolutely impossible for smokers to stop smoking are most likely also the people who are too lazy and settled on the habit to even make an effort to quit. They keep saying to others what they say to themselves, that it is really impossible.
I wish to attempt these although I can imagine getting myself tied up in knots with the final one, lol.