Yesterday morning I was at Starbucks for my daily fix. It is a busy spot bustling with activity and people. There is music and laughter and conversation. But this day was different. On this day, from the minute I walked in, there was screaming and crying. I went all of the way through the line, waiting at the bar for my drink, and stood chatting with a neighbour. All the while this child continued to scream and cry. And as patrons got more and more annoyed the child began to have a full out tantrum.Avoiding it was no longer possible so my neighbour and I began to seek out the source of the noise. As we looked around we saw eye rolling, people getting up to leave, and at the very front of the shop, strapped into a highchair convulsing and screaming at full blast was a little boy. And beside this little boy, lounging in one of the comfy leather chairs, was his mom staring out the window talking on her cell phone. Occasionally she would lean over and stuff a piece of muffin in his mouth which he promptly spit out but not once did she attempt to comfort him or get him out of the chair. Nor did she look over and smile or apologize to all of the other people attempting to have a quiet morning coffee or conversation.
Now, let me stop here to clarify. I am a mom. More importantly, I was once a mom of a crier. You know, the kid that no matter where you take him (in my case it was my son) he is miserable. Coffee shops, restaurants, the mall, a friend's house, the park, the zoo, the car, the stroller were all torture devices for my easily overstimulated baby. I get it. I was desperate to get out. I was desperate to socialize and have adult conversation. I was lonely and sick and tired of this crying baby.
However, I also knew when it was time to call it quits. When I had a responsibility, not just to my baby but to my friends and the other guests in the shop/restaurant/etc. So there were many, MANY times when attempts to calm him were not working that I had to pick up my screaming baby and leave. Even when I really, REALLY wanted to stay, I left. Because this is the right and respectful thing to do for everyone else involved.
Now, there are obviously circumstances and situations where this is impossible. For example, flash back to my first flight as a new mom in November of 1999. I walked those skinny isles of that plane with an on and off screaming baby strapped to me for over four freaking hours. I did everything I could to keep him quiet and calm with intermittent success. I was sweating, tired and close to tears myself by the time we arrived but I had had no choice. I could obviously not get off the plane.
But mostly this is not the case and there are options. Certainly this woman at Starbucks had a choice. And her choice was obvious. She chose to ignore her unhappy child and the increasing frustration of her neighbours and think only about herself. She looked away from her child and the hairy eyeball of the other patrons and continued on her phone call.
Was she making a point? I'm not sure but her message was loud and clear - I have just as much right to be here as you do. And yes, she does. But because of this attitude things like this happen that ruin it for everyone. They ruin it for those of us whose children are well behaved and happy to be there or those of us who just simply want some peace and quiet.
But in my opinion this is not really about rights at all, it is about respect. We wouldn't have to make rules and sue and have laws about this if people simply respected those around them.
What do you think? Has this ever happened to you?
Yes, this has happened to me, with my twins. I had been waiting a very long time at the Bay during the Christmas rush, to pay for something that I had to get that day. After about 20 minutes it was almost my turn and my twins, at 2 yrs of age, started wrestling and rolling all over the floor. When it was my turn finally to pay, I pretended they weren't mine, stepped over them, and paid for my item.
As you know I have had my fair share of temper tantrums. Autism fits are different than temper tantrums. And sometimes they still happen now and he is going to be 8 this year. Not fun - for anyone. Me. Him. And the people around us.
You bet I will get him out of there - yes out of respect for the other people around us, but more for his sake. There is usually a trigger that sets him off and I will do my best to get him out of a situation he can't manage in. For his sake more than anyone else's.
I wonder if the mother had put her phone down and paid attention to the baby if he would have calmed down? Crying for attention perhaps?
From your description of the situation - my first thought was "Maybe a nanny is usually with him and the mother doesn't know what to do."
Is that bad of me?
like i always say - it takes a village to blame the mom
let's not judge one moment from this stranger's life. as moms, we've all been there with the temper-tantrum child when we were desperate for a litre of milk. we soldier on. who knows what happened before you came in, or after you left. she may be a desperately unhappy woman, at the end of her rope, trying to get support (on her phone) that will allow her to handle the rest of the day with a colicky baby. i don't / can't know.
You're on fire with the posts Jen! And I agree 100% with you. Crabby girl - I don't think Jen was judging and I agree with you as well that we should all support each other. In this case though, it doesn't sound like she was looking for support - because if she was, she would be desperately searching the store for a knowing smile of 'been there, don't worry' - instead it sort of sounded like she was ignoring her kid? Having been there as well, in my postpartum I couldn't stay home...if my kid was raging like that in a public place, I would still take him out for a minute to calm him - sometimes just going outside for a minute - then you can come back. Because to support other moms, I would know that sometimes other moms are there to escape for a few minutes and don't need the wailing reminder....
Said it a million times - good parenting is NEVER the easy route. Being a good parent always seems to be sacraficing myself and doing what is right for the situation. I leave parties early because my kids were screaming, we've left restaurants and paid for food we didn't eat. I'm not saying that she was not being a good parent but the right thing to do at Starbucks was not what she felt like doing at that time. Dealing with the kid or leaving didn't suit her so she just kept moving forward. Good parenting would have cost her some time - attention to the kid, hanging up the phone etc. Jen certainly didn't want to spend a flight walking down the centre of the plane. I hate pulling out early to deal with tired kids who should have been in bed anyway. But that's what we signed on for. Imagine letting something at work slip because you just didnt' want to deal with it.
I 100% agree with you Jen. It is about respect. I have two kids who have had tantrums in restaurants and the like and I always looked at it with the mindset of "they are my kids...not every other persons in here".
I never thought it right to let a child go on and on crying in a public place. It is part of the commitment you make as a parent...sometimes you have to bail.
I wish someone would post this in a Mommy guide! It's one thing to hang in there with a crying child while you're in line to purchase something of importance like groceries (don't get me started on people who take their children shopping for themselves and expect the rest of us out for the day without our kids to tolerate the whining and crying!!). But coffee is easily had at home. Go home. Or give me your house address or the address of the restaurant where you and your hubby are going for dinner because the next time my kid is screaming, I will show up and strap him into a chair next to you to wail while you finish your beef medallions and cappuccino. Have some respect is right!! Send this to a parenting magazine, Jen!!
Elizabeth
Just as I need to make sure that my children behave in a respectful manner when they are out in public, I should be respected too. Many times I have to take my kids with me when I go shopping for myself, I don't have the luxury of having a day all to myself. It goes both ways.