As the title of this blog post might suggest, I've got some issues that need your attention, dear readers. I've got a mommy in my life who has gone all judge-y on my normally far-too-busy-to-give-a-care self and I'm feeling the burn. I mean, I tend to let my kids figure stuff out for themselves. I'm here if they need a shoulder or an ear but, overall, they get it sorted. When they tell me they think they are ready to try something like walking to school or staying up late I listen. I hear what they have to say and then together we decide how it will go down.
I don't always say "yes" but I usually do. At least in degrees. Sometimes if it is a big deal we start off with one part or do it in steps. But I trust my kids. And I trust that they know themselves way better than I do or some random parenting book OR some judge-y mommy. So my husband and I rarely get involved in their friendships or the social goings-on at school. The truth is, I find that if I do I get all Mama Bear-ish and start to take over. We're all better off it I stay at arms length.
However, not everyone thinks this way. In fact, some see my hands off, available when you need me approach as, wait for it, NEGLECT. Yes, my dear readers and friends, someone has actually suggested that I neglect my children. And because I know I can never say this to the actual person who passively/aggressively put it out there, I will do it on my blog. So, here is where the rant begins:
Let me tell you, "friend", that letting my kids decide for themselves does not make me a bad mom. In fact, I think it makes me a good one. Making a conscious decision to let go of some control so they can confidently step toward independence is, in my opinion, our job as mothers.
No, I don't need to read the books you have recommended or go to parenting courses. I am a good mom, with confident, well adjusted, respectful and independent kids despite what you think. Yes, my kids are both strong but they are also very different. What they share is that they are not afraid to reach high and push themselves for fear of failure and judgment from others. This is the gift I, as their mother, bestow upon them just as mine bestowed it upon me.
I get the fact that your children are your world. So are mine, just in a different way. But please, focus on yours and leave me to parent mine. I don't want your advice. Nor, in my opinion, do I need it. And if ever I do, I will ask for it.
I don't always say "yes" but I usually do. At least in degrees. Sometimes if it is a big deal we start off with one part or do it in steps. But I trust my kids. And I trust that they know themselves way better than I do or some random parenting book OR some judge-y mommy. So my husband and I rarely get involved in their friendships or the social goings-on at school. The truth is, I find that if I do I get all Mama Bear-ish and start to take over. We're all better off it I stay at arms length.
Me and my babes having ice cream. Good times!
However, not everyone thinks this way. In fact, some see my hands off, available when you need me approach as, wait for it, NEGLECT. Yes, my dear readers and friends, someone has actually suggested that I neglect my children. And because I know I can never say this to the actual person who passively/aggressively put it out there, I will do it on my blog. So, here is where the rant begins:
Let me tell you, "friend", that letting my kids decide for themselves does not make me a bad mom. In fact, I think it makes me a good one. Making a conscious decision to let go of some control so they can confidently step toward independence is, in my opinion, our job as mothers.
No, I don't need to read the books you have recommended or go to parenting courses. I am a good mom, with confident, well adjusted, respectful and independent kids despite what you think. Yes, my kids are both strong but they are also very different. What they share is that they are not afraid to reach high and push themselves for fear of failure and judgment from others. This is the gift I, as their mother, bestow upon them just as mine bestowed it upon me.
I get the fact that your children are your world. So are mine, just in a different way. But please, focus on yours and leave me to parent mine. I don't want your advice. Nor, in my opinion, do I need it. And if ever I do, I will ask for it.
Have you ever felt judged harshly by another mom?
The letting your kids decide for themselves thing is something I need to be better at. It does show confidence in them.
I've felt judged and it's not fun. Even when you are confident in your parenting methods it shakes your resolve.
We all have stuff we need to be "better" at but, in my opinion, that's ok too! It teaches our kids that we are all fallible and human but we still love ourselves and each other. Thanks for your support!
Yes I have, but not for the same reason as you, I just kind of decided I would do what works for me and my kids.
Funny- your parenting approach totally reminds me of the Love and Logic approach (I took a class last year) where you let your kids make decisions on their own, and learn from them. They don't want to wear a coat when its cold outside? Let them get cold, they'll learn they should take a coat (or not). Staying up late? They'll be tired (or not) the next day and learn maybe earlier bedtime is better. That sort of thing. You're not letting your kids do anything unsafe, and you're supporting them and loving them, thats what they need.
I'm sorry you're getting unwanted parenting advice. That just sucks. But if it works for you and your kids, tell her to MYOB.
Wow. I LOVE that there is an actual parenting philosophy all official and everything. I feel better knowing that this is a supported method and, summed up like you did, I feel good about being one of them. Thanks!
Unwanted advice and judgement? Sounds like my daily life!
All that is par for the course in parenting, I'm afraid.
And it's even worse when you have a special needs child. Seems that the judgement door is open that much wider when there are other issues in the mix.
Helicopter parents drive me NUTS. I feel sorry for their kids, being hovered over all the time.
The more my kids can do for themselves means the less I have to do for them. Which means I am doing my job. Isn't that the end goal - to raise happy, competent, independent citizens?
I am also a "Free-Range Mom" (yes, there is a name for it!) and have been on the receiving end of judgement from "Helicoptor Moms". It's annoying, but I know my kids better than anyone, and I know I'm not neglectful, and I am pretty darn proud of how independent they are! You should be too!
I totally am proud of them, Laura, and I am proud of my parenting. I am just sick of people thinking it's their business. I am polite but when I try and give this mom my perspective she gets all passive/aggressive on me so I try not to engage at all. Just sick and tired, ya know?
I always say, do what you want with your own children, usually to ones without that stick their nose in your business.
Used to say too strict, well that strictness brought a very confident, self efficient, man who is Post sec educated, newlywed and soon to be a father.
Hmmm: all that with min wage and being a single parent for his 18 yrs.
Free-Range Mom, I LOVE it.
Jen, you're doing a great job. I wonder if we can figure out a way to respond in person, maybe it's not worth the hassle? Or, maybe it is. Maybe if we responded to the advice with a respectful tone, some minds would be opened to alternative ideas.
Oh, Erin. I have SO tried! That's where the passive/aggressive part comes in.
Free range Mom....I love that too - hilarious! I've decided that my new response to unwanted parenting advice is going to be this...."Wow - thanks SO much...amazing...now can you go eff yourself." - I figure they'll never say anything again - what do you think?? Oh - but I would smile when I said it...
Jen, you're a rock star at this mum-business. This helicopter? She doesn't have enough to do. Maybe she should get some kind of fulfilling work outside of the home or something.
You've caught me on a bad day... I wish she was my neighbour - I'm ready to tell everyone where to go, lately.
Indeed, tell her to mind her own business (in your nice way) and then give her a punch in the neck. That ought to do it. :) (Heh.)
You know, I'm not a parent myself. However I was raised (pretty awesomely I might add) by a mom who seems to think the same way that you do and you know what?
I'm grateful that she instilled the "You made your bed, now your going to lie in it" mentality.
She encouraged my independence and allowed me to make my own choices and those lessons I learned, some of them the hard way are the one's that have stuck with me all these years.
I love my mom, and I think I turned out OK.
So yeah punch the judge-y moms in the face and carry on with your own way of parenting. Just because it's not her way, doesn't make it the wrong way!
Argh. It's so frustrating that people have the nerve and gall to offer parenting advice to others without being asked. Where does she get off? Likely her kids can't even figure out how to tie their shoelaces without Mommy's help. As for figuring out how to get along with others? Forget it.
Way to go - I love that post.
I am so sorry. No matter what "judgement" is about, it feels awful. Some days worse than others. I can't help but wonder what some women's motivation is to act like that? Why do they care what others do or don't do for that matter?
Wonderfully written Jen! Not that it really matters but I believe your way of parenting makes children have a better chance of becoming independent and successful adults. It's sad that so many parents have nothing better to do than to judge your parenting skills. We should be working together and supporting each other, that makes for a successful community.
I have a special needs child, and let me tell you I have been judged many, many a time. One parent even asked me didn't I know that if I took folic acid than my child wouldn't have been born that way. (Actually, I did take folic acid before and during, and Jake still ended up with spina bifida, thank you very much you nosy, judgmental .... sorry still bothered by that person)
My way of dealing with it, of course is way too passive, but I just smile, say thank you for your concern, suggestions blah blah blah, walk away, think nasty thoughts about the person for a few seconds and than I have to let it go. I cannot make them change their thoughts or opinions and I refuse to let them make me feel bad
Oh, gosh yes! I tend to fall into the category of "attachment parenting", if you nitpick over parenting styles, but I'm very much of the "free-range kids" mindset as well. I've been accosted by AP moms who seem to think "attached" means "at the hip".
Drives me up the wall. Now mom to 3 boys, I'm better at letting it roll off my shoulders but their insinuations used to fester inside me a bit -- making me doubt my own parenting skills.
Jen - this was good to read. Yes I have been judged harshly and I remember judging harshly too a long time ago on occasion. Whenever I have judged harshly it was when I was least happy myself. Sometimes that is more the issue than anything.
Let's face it the playground is a bitch!
Keep up the great work- your people are thriving!
At 23 I still thank my mother every day for being the kind of mother who taught me that when she said, "No." She meant it. Why? Because she let me try just about anything. She trusted me. We have an amazing relationship because she let me grow into the woman I was supposed to be.
Alternatively, a friend with a helicopter mommy is now 23 with a baby and a husband who used to deal her pot. Seriously?
If you push your kids too hard when they have the freedom to push back... they will ten fold.
I'm impressed that you're forward thinking and respectful of your children. I bet they will grow up to be amazing people who understand bounderies.
Go you Jen.
Amen!!
I used to get caught up in that judgmental, hovering mode. I made every little decision for my children (who to play with, what to eat for lunch, what to wear, what to think). Then as they grew, I realized that I had to let go and stop robbing them of the opportunity to learn decision-making skills. I had a light bulb moment when my older sister said, "Let Jane answer my question ALL BY HERSELF!"
I know it's cliche, but it's absolutely our duty as parents to prepare our little birds to leave the nest. If we never teach them to fly, they'll never make it.
I have been guilty of judging other moms, and it has come back to bite me in the arse every time. Particularly when my children hit the same age that the other moms' children were when I judged their actions. Again, I believe it was the same older sister, who I criticized for allowed my 10-year-old neice to walk by herself a block down the street to collect the mail.
My children are now 11 and 14, and I have learned a lot about parenting from my peers. We've all been guilty of that passive-aggressive judgment, but I think we're all getting better at understanding that "our way" is definitely not "the only way" to raise well-adjusted children.
When someone accuses you of being "neglectful", consider the source. Are they really that perfect? Are they mad at you, or at themselves for their own inadequacies?