Nancy wrote this post about stupid questions and it got me thinking. It got me thinking about the things that people have said to me that have stung or hit a nerve. Things that I know are not supposed to bother me. Things they probably don't mean and often never even register. But these are the things that rest heavily at the core of self-doubt and insecurity.
For me it has always been my height. I am a very proud tall woman from a family of proud tall people. My mom was 5'11", I have a male cousin who is 6'8" and many relatives who come in well over 6'. I have beautiful female cousins who are over 6' tall. So, at 5'11" I was never out of place with them. My kids are tall and my gorgeous hubby is 6'4". However, in the regular world, my height sometimes seems to be of great interest to others.
For me it has always been my height. I am a very proud tall woman from a family of proud tall people. My mom was 5'11", I have a male cousin who is 6'8" and many relatives who come in well over 6'. I have beautiful female cousins who are over 6' tall. So, at 5'11" I was never out of place with them. My kids are tall and my gorgeous hubby is 6'4". However, in the regular world, my height sometimes seems to be of great interest to others.
My older sister, Kath (14), my mom, younger sis, Allyson (10), dad and me (12).
I have always been tall. I was the kid in the class picture standing tall in the middle of the back row in a line of boys. I was nearly as tall as my older sister growing up and well taller than my younger one (tall benefit #1: no hand-me-downs!). They both stand at a taller-than-average-but-not-that-tall 5'7". But from the time I can remember people would say, "Oh! What a big girl you are!" and "Wow. You are SO tall!"
My height was obviously a focal point and I get that. It is not something you can ignore. But really?? Some totally bizarre things were said to me about my height while growing up. And I know for a fact that if they were said about anything else it would have been completely and totally inappropriate and even harassing. So, I am going to take some of my personal stories and flip them around so you can see what I mean. For me it was height but imagine if...
For me it was "tall" but imagine it was "fat". Picture a 6 year-old child going on a playdate for the first time. When she arrives at the house the friend's mom says, "Oh hello. My aren't you fat! Are you sure you're only 6? You look fat enough to be at least 8 or 9!"
(No one would ever DARE say this to an overweight child so why to a tall child? This happened ALL the time. I see it with my very tall son but not to the same degree. People would see me and think I was older. They couldn't understand why I was crying or acting out in a way appropriate for a little child when what they saw was an older child.)
OR
For me I was tall and looked older but what if...A 12 year-old girl is getting on the TTC bus alone for the first time from an unfamiliar place and the driver says, "Hey! You're too small to be on this bus. Unless you can prove that you are actually old enough to get on this bus you have to get off. NOW. I don't care about your tears. Get OFF unless you can prove your age."
(In this case I was 12 but he didn't believe me because I was 5'7". He thought I should have a student card but you had to be in High School to get one and I was in grade 7. He kicked me off the bus.)
OR
For me I was too tall to wear the "cute" shoes but no one would dare say you were "too ugly". Picture a 15 year-old girl trying to buy the same trendy shoes as all of her friends. When her mom asks the clerk about these little heels the older female sales clerk says, "I don't think so, dear. I think you are too ugly to wear those shoes. Those shoes are for cute, little girls and you are simply too ugly."
(Oh, the shame. I was "too tall". My mom was absolutely furious and gave the sales clerk a piece of her mind. But it didn't change the fact that clearly, tall girls couldn't pull off "cute" like their little friends could.)
Catch my drift? Although these things obviously hit me hard and they likely seem way worse to me, they hurt. It made me feel different and fed my insecurities and made me feel gigantic. I felt less attractive as a young woman and uncomfortable around short men because of the focus on my height. I actually secretly hope that my daughter is tall but not too tall like her mother. Not because I don't love being tall but because I know how hard it can be.
Anyone else experience these types of comments as a child about your height or something else?
My height was obviously a focal point and I get that. It is not something you can ignore. But really?? Some totally bizarre things were said to me about my height while growing up. And I know for a fact that if they were said about anything else it would have been completely and totally inappropriate and even harassing. So, I am going to take some of my personal stories and flip them around so you can see what I mean. For me it was height but imagine if...
For me it was "tall" but imagine it was "fat". Picture a 6 year-old child going on a playdate for the first time. When she arrives at the house the friend's mom says, "Oh hello. My aren't you fat! Are you sure you're only 6? You look fat enough to be at least 8 or 9!"
(No one would ever DARE say this to an overweight child so why to a tall child? This happened ALL the time. I see it with my very tall son but not to the same degree. People would see me and think I was older. They couldn't understand why I was crying or acting out in a way appropriate for a little child when what they saw was an older child.)
OR
For me I was tall and looked older but what if...A 12 year-old girl is getting on the TTC bus alone for the first time from an unfamiliar place and the driver says, "Hey! You're too small to be on this bus. Unless you can prove that you are actually old enough to get on this bus you have to get off. NOW. I don't care about your tears. Get OFF unless you can prove your age."
(In this case I was 12 but he didn't believe me because I was 5'7". He thought I should have a student card but you had to be in High School to get one and I was in grade 7. He kicked me off the bus.)
OR
For me I was too tall to wear the "cute" shoes but no one would dare say you were "too ugly". Picture a 15 year-old girl trying to buy the same trendy shoes as all of her friends. When her mom asks the clerk about these little heels the older female sales clerk says, "I don't think so, dear. I think you are too ugly to wear those shoes. Those shoes are for cute, little girls and you are simply too ugly."
(Oh, the shame. I was "too tall". My mom was absolutely furious and gave the sales clerk a piece of her mind. But it didn't change the fact that clearly, tall girls couldn't pull off "cute" like their little friends could.)
Catch my drift? Although these things obviously hit me hard and they likely seem way worse to me, they hurt. It made me feel different and fed my insecurities and made me feel gigantic. I felt less attractive as a young woman and uncomfortable around short men because of the focus on my height. I actually secretly hope that my daughter is tall but not too tall like her mother. Not because I don't love being tall but because I know how hard it can be.
Anyone else experience these types of comments as a child about your height or something else?
Obviously, I have the opposite problem. I am short, almost 5'2 and I have always been short. It doesn't really bother me all that much...I mean, I own it. I do wish I could buy a pair of pants and not have to get them shortened...heh. BUT, sometimes it's REALLY frustrating when everyone thinks you are younger than you are...like the time I got asked if I was under FOURTEEN at Glaze Craze, even though I was about 7 months pregnant. Oh, yes, that's fun.
Most people think I'm a teen mom or I'm the nanny. Heh.
But I can't imagine anyone saying anything other than, "OMG aren't you cuuuuute! You're so little and sweet!" Get it?
Pays off in so many ways being tall but it can sometimes be hard growing up. Now? Wouldn't change it for the world.
wow, i can't believe that sales lady ended the day with all her teeth!
i'm not too tall, 5'8" but my husband is 5'6". people can't figure that one out for some reason. isn't he too short for a husband? aren't you too tall for an idiot?
I would guess that -for girls, at least - being tall is tough when you are young, tougher than being short for sure, when being little is cute....and that it changes as you approach adulthood, where it's probably tougher to be short than tall.
I'm not that tall, 5'8",but I was always taller and bigger than those around me. I was big! Not necessarily fat, although I was probably chubby, but a "tallish" girl who is chubby is just big. I remember being teased by my friends that I was big but small (because my breasts were small, still are!).
I do have what they call "big bones". At my "fighting weight" I'm a 10 or 12, 155-165 pounds. I am not small. But, this is a healthy weight/size for me.
My feet are a wide 10, hard to find attractive shoes.
I have a big head, really, that bugs me, it's a bobble head.
Jen, I can so relate.....as a big girl, taller than average, and big. And I so suffered for it, self esteem wise.
Wasn't invited to Jackie Gartner's 7th birthday party because I was too short. The funniest comment I get now is when I say my height, 5'2", people always say "Oh no, you're taller than that" almost as if I just insulted myself and they are trying to make me feel better.
I'm tall too - well Jen you know that - and I was always the one in the middle of the picture - and always the one dancing with boys with their heads in my chest (which was flat) - Erin - your bobble head comment made me howl! Ali - I feel for you and the shortness because i do think you're right - the 'cute' comments would drive me nuts. It's funny - I never thought about being tall negatively - or thought it was the driver of my insecurity. I still think it was more about being 'big'...like Erin - big feet, size 12-14....big hair...I just always felt big but never tall.....
I love being tall now...Will's biodad is 6"4 (thanks for the term Erin)...I so hope he's well over 6 feet!!! It'll help him get that NBA contract to keep me in the lifestyle I'm not accustomed to...
I was overweight as a child and preteen, though I somehow managed to escape any bullying or teasing about it. The silent struggles were hard enough, though, and I look back on my days of being heavy as hard ones. Being a kid is hard tough, but when you're fat (or feel like you're too tall, too short, etc) it makes it even tougher.
Short here. And my kids are short. And they get teased for it just like I got teased for it. I actually STILL get teased about my height. As an adult I am now (sort of) at peace with it. It's when it happens to my kids that it still hurts me. Adults think they are much younger than they are and therefore talk down to them. I have tought my kids to be respectful so they never say anything about it. And kids, oh the kids. At each and every age it is difficult for them. My oldest gets mistaken for much younger than she is by the adults and the kids purposely talk to her like a baby. She hates it. She cries to me at home. My middle daughter goes through much of the same. My youngest has been told by kids her age that she is too small to play with them. It's funny, because none of the kids that she regularly plays with or sees don't seem to notice her size. We have a great group of friends - my kids all have amazing friends!
I am short and I always have been. I have always struggled with my weight, too. Always. One of the things that I remember as a kid was a distant cousin giving me a magnet for my birthday that said: I'm not overweight, I'm undertall. That stung on all levels. I never want my kids to feel that way. Ever.
As a kid, it never occured to me that the taller kids felt similar to me. I wish I had known. I want my girls to embrace who they are. And know that when they feel like they are different, it's okay because almost certainly, they're not alone.
Hey Jen, I am *nearly* 5'8", so don't strip me of that precious 3/4 of an inch!
Even though I wasn't overtall, like Erin I always felt big. Actually, I could have written Erin's comment (although not as cleverly) except that I had HUUUUUUGE boobs. As a teenager, I hated by body. As an adult, I still struggle with my weight and since I'm in a heavier stage right now, I'm feeling that sinking "too big" unhappiness again.
I totally always wanted to be one of those effortlessly skinny people, but I have a friend now who is like that (her legs have like a 5cm gap between them!) and she says she was mercilessly teased for being skinny and flat as a teen...everything I wanted to be and yet it was hard for her, too. And, like me, she's still sensitive about it in her 40s...once I hugged her and said "look out, I might break you" and it really upset her. I felt so bad!
Grrrr...body image issues suck!
my second has always been tall and "big boned" (no there is a comment that stings!) and every day of JK and Sk when I would be out with her in the early afternoon shopkeepers would say "why aren't you in school, are you sick" I would say she is only 4. And they would say "Hell, she is huge. What are you feeding her?" Nice. I would say, yes, isn't she gorgeous !
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing your experience. I am 5'11 and 6'2 with heels. I grew up in a family and community of Dutch people who owned their height so I never felt different until I moved to the city (New York & Toronto). Finding clothes for a tall and lean frame was the beginning of all my challenges in school so that was the worst of my recollections. After post-secondary school though, finding a tall, athletic man while towering over my petite girlfriends was a nightmare. The whole pyschology around height is so interesting to watch. Personally, I met many terrific men that were the same height or a bit shorter than I am but I could never feel totally comfortable unless my date was at least two+ inches taller than me when I wore heels. Similarily, my petite girlfriends (ranging from 4'8 to 5'7) wanted tall men because these guys had presence and stood out in a crowd. From my years of serial dating (trying to find the right tall guy), I discovered that tall men seemed to only prefer petite women and when I asked my guy friends why this was their preference, they would confess that they felt like the odd-ball growing up and they didn't want that for their children. Any tall woman would tell you that she wants her son to be tall but definitely would never wish for her daughter to be "really" tall. For a woman, nothing could be worse sometimes. Even though I am lean and fit and many tall women usually are, the word "big" or "Amazon" haunts me everywhere I go. If compared to my petite friends I am a size-grande but in scale, my proportions are smaller than them so it hurts when men and women use this expression to describe me. Times are changing though and every new generation is reportedly taller than the last. This is especially true as we blend our cultures and genetics. I have great hopes for my son to be tall like his father and I.
As for being sympathetic to petite women - I cannot be. I cheerfully chide my petite to average height girlfriends all the time and remind them that taking in pants and cuffs is easier than not having enough fabric to cover your extremeties. Plus, the world is looking into their eyes and not their chest. ;-)
I too am a tall woman at 5"11, and am now at the age of 35 finally proud to say it. I have always found it odd that people come up to me and say "Wow, you are so tall.....how tall are you anyways?" I don't think in my life I have ever asked anyone who is not as tall as me "Wow, you are short....how short are you anyways?" Or anything else about their body shape or size for that matter!
Men, who stand right about boob height, are the ones who seem especially interested in how tall I am! I get asked how tall I am alot by them (or at least my boobs get asked!)
As a woman raising 4 young children, 3 of whom are girls, I already talk to them about being proud of who they are no matter what their body shape or size is.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us. I could relate to a great deal of them! Here's to standing tall and proud!!
Jen, I love this post. As you know, I am 6' tall & have always been the tall girl. Always in the back row of the class pictures, never with the cute (i.e. shorter) girls showing off their pretty dresses in the front row. I can laugh at it now, but I know it really stung then. I do remember thinking all through high school that life would be so much easier if I was one of the "cute, little" girls. I also struggle with good posture (my not-so-wonderful nickname is "the poster-child for bad posture") because I always stooped over in an attempt to appear shorter. I think I turned into both the class clown & the sports-enthusiast because I felt that I couldn't pull off the other stereotypical high school girl roles, being so tall.
Much the same as you, I now love being tall & have no problem with wearing heels, even if they make me the same height or taller than my 6'3" husband. But trust me I get some doozies still. One recently was at a friend's son's soccer game, when another parent was being particularly loud & obnoxious (he said "that was a f-ing s--t call" at an 8-10 yr old game), & I immediately snapped into Athletic Trainer mode & turned to him & said "Hey, there are kids here. Tone it down." Anyway, my friend found out about this later & said "Good for you. I would be too scared to say anything to him, but I'm sure he was scared of you." ME??? Scary & imposing??? I can honestly say I've never felt like either of those things.
I think where the distinction lies, with most people, is that being tall is seen as a compliment, possibly a benefit. Whereas being short, fat, or ugly (like you cited) is not seen as a compliment. The problem is that, when it comes to a lot of tall women, when someone says "My you're tall," all that we hear is "Look at the freak!!" All I ever say to anyone is "Yes, I am."
I think Margot's comment is 100% on. Jen, the reason why people say to children, "My you're so tall" and not, "My, you're so fat", is that people secretly envy tall people. Sure, with women too tall can be seen as a negative. But 5'11" for a woman to me is not too tall. In fact, when I see a 5'11" woman who's thin, I often think she's very elegant. When people say, "My you're so tall", they really don't know a better way of saying that they're a little jealous.
I'm a 6' tall man and once dated a girl who was also 6'. She had LONG legs. I wear a 32" inseam pant and she wore a 36" inseam pant! She just gave off a look of being so tall. However, when I was with her she got soooo many compliments. Sure, we occasionally got insensitive comment. For example, to show off those longs legs or hers, she'd often wear 3.5" heels and a short skirt. On one day like this, we decided to just go walking. We heard one man pass by us and say, "Man, I could never date a woman taller than me. It's like dating your mother!" Whatever, I loved her height and long legs. Everything about her was long. Her fingers were half a digit longer than mine and she had to get her gloves specially made!
I think anything that makes you different than other people actually helps you. Why? Because it makes you sensitive to others. I'm black, but have a unique copper-tone complexion and auburn hair. Who knows where it came from because both of my parents are black with black hair. Anyway, as a child I was MERCILESSLY chided about my skin and hair color. I hated the word "orange" so much that when we were reading, I'd scan a few paragraphs ahead and if I saw the word "orange", I'd asked to be excused to the bathroom and would come back when I thought the teacher had passed that area. So when I one day met a 6'5" woman at our church (not a typo), I didn't blink an eye. We talked, became friends and let *her* bring up her height. Why would I state the obvious? Sure, people do because it's so unusual to meet a 6'5" woman. But my first thought is, well let *me* be unusual by being the first person to not make her feel awkward.