I feel really weird writing this post. Kinda strangely exposed and all vulnerable-like. I guess I don't tend to reveal my insecurities often which might explain why some people have actually accused me of not having any (as if).
There are certain things I know about myself, certain strengths I posses and am confident about. I know I am smart. I know I have good ideas. I know I can be interesting and funny and confidently stand up for what I believe in. I know I can take on pretty much any bully. I hang my hat on all of these things, hold my head high and feel good about myself.
But something happened during the holidays that made me realize that I still have some insecurities that trip me up. My husband and I were at a very fun holiday party at a friend's home. We were all decked out in our party clothes and ready for a night of holiday cheer. There was great food, a stocked bar, dancing and great company. As I was standing chatting with a group, one of my friend's husbands was refilling his drink at the bar. He turned to me and said, "Hey Jen. How do you always manage to look so beautiful?" Nice, right? I should have blushed coyly and thanked him for his compliment, don't you think? But I didn't. Not at all. Want to know why? Because I instantly assumed it was a joke. I instantly felt that he was teasing me.
Here I was surrounded by all of these little blonde babes in their tight designer outfits and I am supposed to believe he really thought that I looked beautiful? It's not that I think I am ugly, I don't. It is not that I think I am fat, I am not. But surrounded by these tiny, pretty ladies I guess I just don't think I can measure up. So, my response was dripping in sarcasm, "I guess it is just my natural state of being." Ugh. Arrogant but really defensive and pathetic.
What is wrong with me? Even if he was teasing me (which of course I am still convinced he had to have been...you should see his wife) I should have simply said "thank you" and smiled. And if he was mocking me and making fun wouldn't that be incredibly mean? And this guy doesn't seem mean. So, maybe he was actually being nice and paying me a compliment. But that is impossible because it would mean that he actually thought I was beautiful and that just doesn't make sense.
I have been thinking about this a lot. I have this hang-up that unless I am 5'4" and 110lbs I can not be beautiful. My husband is always telling me I am beautiful but he has to, right? I know some of it has to do with my height. But, the truth is, none of it is rational.
I don't want to feel this way anymore. I am almost 40 years old! I want to accept myself as a beautiful tall woman but even writing that makes me feel weird. I want to be all Fiona in Shrek accepting and loving myself despite being an ogre. I know I am not alone and am amazed at the beautiful women I know who are less than satisfied with their looks. I want it to change. I just have to figure out how.
What about you? Do you have any insecurities that get in your way?
(P.S. - I was going to put a picture in this post but, hey, you all know what I look like.)
There are certain things I know about myself, certain strengths I posses and am confident about. I know I am smart. I know I have good ideas. I know I can be interesting and funny and confidently stand up for what I believe in. I know I can take on pretty much any bully. I hang my hat on all of these things, hold my head high and feel good about myself.
But something happened during the holidays that made me realize that I still have some insecurities that trip me up. My husband and I were at a very fun holiday party at a friend's home. We were all decked out in our party clothes and ready for a night of holiday cheer. There was great food, a stocked bar, dancing and great company. As I was standing chatting with a group, one of my friend's husbands was refilling his drink at the bar. He turned to me and said, "Hey Jen. How do you always manage to look so beautiful?" Nice, right? I should have blushed coyly and thanked him for his compliment, don't you think? But I didn't. Not at all. Want to know why? Because I instantly assumed it was a joke. I instantly felt that he was teasing me.
Here I was surrounded by all of these little blonde babes in their tight designer outfits and I am supposed to believe he really thought that I looked beautiful? It's not that I think I am ugly, I don't. It is not that I think I am fat, I am not. But surrounded by these tiny, pretty ladies I guess I just don't think I can measure up. So, my response was dripping in sarcasm, "I guess it is just my natural state of being." Ugh. Arrogant but really defensive and pathetic.
What is wrong with me? Even if he was teasing me (which of course I am still convinced he had to have been...you should see his wife) I should have simply said "thank you" and smiled. And if he was mocking me and making fun wouldn't that be incredibly mean? And this guy doesn't seem mean. So, maybe he was actually being nice and paying me a compliment. But that is impossible because it would mean that he actually thought I was beautiful and that just doesn't make sense.
I have been thinking about this a lot. I have this hang-up that unless I am 5'4" and 110lbs I can not be beautiful. My husband is always telling me I am beautiful but he has to, right? I know some of it has to do with my height. But, the truth is, none of it is rational.
I don't want to feel this way anymore. I am almost 40 years old! I want to accept myself as a beautiful tall woman but even writing that makes me feel weird. I want to be all Fiona in Shrek accepting and loving myself despite being an ogre. I know I am not alone and am amazed at the beautiful women I know who are less than satisfied with their looks. I want it to change. I just have to figure out how.
What about you? Do you have any insecurities that get in your way?
(P.S. - I was going to put a picture in this post but, hey, you all know what I look like.)
I KNOW this feeling all too well.
If anyone..ever...compliments, I always assume they are BEING NICE TO ME and not being truthful, so I usually laugh it off. UGH. I hate that. I wish I could just take a compliment. ONCE.
Insecurities? Sure, I've got 'em! Don't we all? I've felt insecure about my looks, my cultural appreciation, my fitness level, my job, etc. I think we all have insecurities and that's a fact of life. I think it's only when they get in the way of us living our life to the fullest that it's a real problem.
My mother once told me that she regretted not hosting more parties/ playdates/ gatherings when we were young, but she always felt our house was smaller and not as nice as the neighbours' homes. I don't remember that necessarily, but I used her regret as a lesson. I'd much rather have my friends and my kids' friends feel welcome in my home than worry about what my friends and kids' friends think of my house. If they're critiquing the lack of a powder room on the main floor, than they're not the guests I want anyways!
And I know that you weren't fishing for compliments with this post, but if you'd care to share an extra couple of inches of height with this 5'4" friend I'd be more than happy to take them, you tall beautiful lady!
Love this, Jen! I know it is true. It will pass us by and we'll look back and say, "hey. why didn't I appreciate it when I had it?!" I KNOW all of this. But I still can't reconcile myself to it and accept it. Ya know?
Jen. I just read your reply. I feel the same way as your mom. My house is too small. Too messy. I'm comfortable with certain people over - the ones I know who don't care, but new friends...I always get very self conscious.
Do you ever notice how we only notice the people we think are 'prettier' than us? Sometimes I make myself look around at ALL the people -- the ones who look like me and the ones who (gasp) maybe aren't even as nice-looking as me? They're out there, too. We just don't see them.
For a long time, I thought that anything bad that I did, whether people knew it or not, defined me. I conveniently forgot everything good that I did. While I felt like crap inside, people would say to me 'you're such a great person' or 'I don't know how you do all the things you do' and I would just shrug it off and think 'if only you knew.' But then I decided to listen. If other people thought I was great, maybe I was. And I started saying 'thank you' and I started believing what they were saying. Now I know all the good things I am, and I accept the less good things I am, and I know that together they make me.
By the way, I can assure that not only are you beautiful, your husband thinks you are beautiful because he thinks you are beautiful, not because he has to.
Oh Jen. What a very honest post and one that I bet everyone can relate to - even those 5 foot 4 blondes in the tight designer outfits. I think it's very few people who don't feel that way. I do think it has something to do with our height. I don't know - I'm not very eloquent today - but I would have had the same type of comment that you had (and I can totally hear your voice saying it). and I agree with Susie - your hubs says it because he means it...
Ugh, Sara. I hate the fact that you can hear my voice saying it. But, I know why. That is my defense, a strong and snappy whit. I wish I could just confidently smile and accept it. Or at least just smile and hold my head high. Working on it.
Plus, the 10lbs I've gained since I stopped running have made me feel more "BIG" than "tall". Working on that too :)
did i write this post? i, too, don't take the "you look good" compliment well. my husband _has_ to say it KWIM although i'm sure he means it. i'm still the tall, scrawny girl with ugly glasses and braces. how can i be good looking at this stage? i didn't even have a boyfriend until i was 20 cuz (i feel) i was ugly. i guess all those years of ugly 80's fashion choices have caught up with me! :-)
i will always think there's an ulterior motive for a man giving me a compliment although i desperately want to believe i can have my gorgeous moments. it seems that whenever i think i look good and get a compliment i get an enormously jealous reaction from my husband that just confirms that i am some sort of ugly wall flower. sigh...
I so appreciate your honesty! We all have those pics in our mind of what a "really" pretty person is (mine involves pin straight hair and very sculpted arms) so it is hard to believe when someone pays a compliment. However, the fact that you questioned your response is a good sign that you know there is another way ... that might actually involve owning the compliment and letting yourself feel good about it! Btw, would love to be your height :)
How ironic that I just read the tweet you wrote to me, the one to which my mind immediately thought " ohpleasewhtever!". And I didn't know how to reply because I do not think that about myself at all (the reply I tweeted was true tho)
And then I came over here and read this.
There are days where I see myself and think "gosh, I look sorta pretty today. Hair looks good, skin looks good, make up went on nice..."
And then there are days where I look at myself and wonder how my husband looks at me all night...
I wonder if I have some sort of dysmorphia. Those photo's I posted on my "Intentions" post were from a few years and about 15 pounds ago. Even then I thought my body was flawed and wanted a smaller bum, slimmer thighs...I always thought I could be smaller. And I struggle with that still. And I'm not big.
And I always get very nervous about social situations. I'm afraid of being awkward or stupid or boring.
I have many many insecurities :-(
Aw Jen, what a beautifully honest post. I think that most, if not all, women can relate to it. I have lots of insecurities but I have learned to just say "thank you" when I get a compliment, even if I don't always believe it. I used to always contradict the complimented and my husband starting calling me on it (some other people did too).
What is it that makes all of us doubt our attractiveness in some way? I could go on a long rant about the media...blah...blah...blah, but we all know that, so, let's forget about it! I know easier said than done. I'm not sure what the solution is, therapy?
Oh, I know. Years ago, someone told me to just say 'thank you' when someone pays a compliments, and I still stumble and start babbling instead. I feel like the person is just being nice to me. Or that they're returning the compliment I just paid. It's a very weird thing. I don't know what the trick is.
I think you're wonderful, Jen! I can't wait to meet you. And I will climb you like a tree. (Heh - I gave up wishing for height in the 7th grade...)
Tracey - how tall are you?
I always pictured you as a tall, statuesque woman but based on your teeny tiny feet, I'm guessing your about as tall as me?
(5'2")
Christine, I'm 5 foot and no inches... I wonder why people presume I'm so tall over the internets? It must be because I swear like a trucker or something. Hee!!
I do know what you look like, and you know what I look like. I don't believe it when people say nice things about my physical appearance either.
But we are looking through tarnished mirrors, probably due to years of (not so playful) teasing. We should believe our husbands, our friends, even total strangers when they say that we are beautiful.
I am deeply afraid of not liking everything now. That is my biggest insecurity. I am afraid of regret- that helps me enjoy everything now.
You are beautiful to the core Jen. You have eyes to dream in. And the most gorgeous white straight toothed smile.
And don't get me started on that hair.........
You carry your beauty beautifully- so hush that voice right now. And enjoy every minute of what you have and what you are.
(If you press me to answer- what is with the cellulite on my legs?????@#%$ And lets just say I hate my hair almost to distraction-there are newborns that have more than I do)
enjoy thy beauty Jen, it is abundant- one day we will all be 80. If we are lucky!
I heard something once that made me rethink compliments. If you brush it off, or make a joke about it, it's insulting to the person who gave the compliment, as though he/she has bad taste and/or poor eyesight for complimenting you. You wouldn't want to insult someone, would you? So smile graciously and say, "What a nice thing to say. Thank you." And soon enough you will start believing it too.
Hey Jen,
I feel your pain! Sometimes these darn insecurities are SO easy to not think about, but then they pop up at hte most inopportune times, huh? I AM 5'5", but not blonde, and I STILL have insecurities about these sorts of things. I think if a girl says she doesn't...well, she's lying! :) Even those 5'4" blonde girls in tight clothes are probably making those clothes cling-wrapped so they can get compliments or looks TO feel secure. I betcha a lot. I have taller friends who feel the same way as you. When they wear heels, (which they hardly do) they feel like they are SO conspicuous and tower over everyone. I say, wear those heels! Go out of your comfort zone and do something YOU think is beautiful but don't think you can pull off. Yea, I might notice a taller girl in heels and look over, but it's because she looks lovely and graceful. One of my 6' girl friends now LOVES heels...can't get enough. Once you start practicing having fun and not worrying about your height or looks, it's really great. Of course, we all go through those times, but that's when I pull out my make up and do something funky and non-traditional. Not all gothic, but just a little bit more fun than normal. It makes you smile and enjoy who you are all the more. :)
Jen! Timliest post.
Take heart lovlies.
I know this much is true.
1) Beauty is SOOOO about perspective. Hell ya, it's more than skin deep. We should believe the truth that we tell our daughters about being more than just a pretty face or a cute ass.
2)Hating or refusing what is, is nowhere near as helpful or useful as accepting it in the long run.
Nancy really got it when she describes hating something to distraction.
Surely explains why thinking "I've been an indulgent piggy!" hasn't gotten me to my pilates class and my clothing continues to pinch me.
Self-dislike is a treacherous mofo. It mutates into self-loathing when we least expect it, the sneaky bugger then craps all over the good and happy things around us. Self-loathing can’t exist though if we decide it has to go.
How beautifully the support flowed forth between friends on the comments.
The comments were a powerful reminder to me to be a good friend to myself too, forgiving mistakes, encouraging when I falter, aware when good changes happen and loving regardless.
It actually got me on my yoga mat for the first time in 7 weeks.
Amazing what is possible when we remember to love ourselves like our friends and family love us.
I will try to remember to accept a compliment nicely borrowing Aileen's line: "What a nice thing to say". Thank you for sharing that, it'll spare me a LOT of awkwardness in the future.
Namaste,
Idas
Couldn't agree more...Had a post already written about this too, (good job i checked around first)never mind.It is a really good tune though.Here's hoping more labels wise up and do this.