Tiger: Territorial and generally solitary animals, often
requiring large contiguous areas of habitat that support their prey
demands. (Wikipedia.com)
Dolphin: Arguably one of the most altruistic animal species around, dolphins have been known to help out others in need. (webecoist.com)
Her young daughter eventually figured it out and was obviously proud of her accomplishment. Upon reflection Chua states, "But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't."
I read this article forcing myself to keep an open mind. I wanted to listen to what Chua said and try and really hear it. I, as you can likely tell from my picture, am not Chinese. In fact, my family has been in Canada since the late 1600's (yes, it is possible). I grew up in a typical home similar to what Chua is trying to describe in her essay when she refers to a "Western" family.
You can see that having an open mind while reading this piece is critical to my getting anything out of it. And I did think she had something valuable to say. So, what did I think of Chua's perspective? I spent hours after reading it thinking and analyzing. Chua had some amazingly good points. Her kids and those raised in families like hers were usually hugely successful and driven. Like Chua herself who is a Professor at Yale University and a respected author. And I don't deny that accomplishing greatness and pushing oneself can be extremely satisfying.
I did take issue with her simple analysis of "Western" parents. She describes Western parents in a way that makes them appear weak and one-dimensional. She believes that Chinese parents, unlike Western parents, "assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently." In other words, we Western parents assume are children are fragile so we worry about them and don't push them too hard.
At this point I had to take a step back. I was busy thinking about all the crazy hockey (insert your sport here) parents I have seen and known and wondered whether Chua had ever known a Western parent with a child in competitive sports? I also couldn't help but think that she had completely missed the point about why Western parents are concerned about their children's emotional well-being. How this is not out of weakness but because we look at the whole child and not just one aspect. But I stepped back in because I promised myself I would get through this with an open mind.
I read as Chua described discipline including no TV, no sleepovers, and no playdates. I wondered how Chinese adults raised this way socialize? How do they navigate relationships and friendships? How do they work in a team environment or deal with conflict? Then Chua extols the virtues of calling your child "garbage" or "fat" as a way to motivate them to change. She describes punishments for low grades and "ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home" if a child does well.
And all of this I read and I took in and I even saw her point. I saw that, yes, if you parent like this you are likely to produce an adult who excels in many areas. On the outside, in all of the ways judged by others, that child will be deemed "successful".
But the whole time I read this piece and the whole time I thought about it afterward all I could feel was sadness. I felt this overwhelming sympathy for Chua. I wondered whether she ever had fun. Whether she has ever laughed until her belly hurt or experienced the thrill of doing something reckless. I wonder if she ever looks back with fondness at her childhood or looks forward to the joys of life.
Sure, she has achieved great "success" and obviously worked ridiculously hard to get it but to what end? A childhood friend of mine died at 26. My cousin died a young mom at 31. My mom died too soon at 67. I am so glad for them that they found joy and not just "success" during their short lives.
What I came away with after reading Chua's piece is even more confidence in how I parent my kids, "Western" style (it even sounds all renegade, doesn't it?). My kids are HAPPY. They love life. They feel joy. They compete and revel in their successes and learn from their failures. They work hard but not so hard that they can't nurture friendships and try new things and find their own unique and wonderful place in the world.
My children are a gift to this world because of who they are as individuals, not because of some external force dictating to them. My husband and I value them for who they are not who we want them to be. I want them to feel a part of the world around them, feel responsible and accountable all while "finding joy every day".
Dolphin: Arguably one of the most altruistic animal species around, dolphins have been known to help out others in need. (webecoist.com)
Are you a Tiger Mom? I think I am more of a Dolphin Mom but I'll get to that later. Recently the topic of Chinese parenting has been a hot one in the media and swirling around the internets. The essay called "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua excerpted here in the Wall Street Journal, is what started it all. Her point is clear; rigid, dictatorial parenting produces excellence and leads to success. If you don't push your children to greatness by demanding the best - always - then they will never achieve it.
Chua illustrates just how hard a Chinese mother is willing to push and how far she is willing to go when describing an epic battle of wills with her young daughter over learning to play a piece of music. Chua describes how she yelled to the point of hoarseness, denied her daughter water, and even refused trips to the bathroom. She proudly describes her home at this time as a "war zone".
Her young daughter eventually figured it out and was obviously proud of her accomplishment. Upon reflection Chua states, "But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't."
Me and my parenting partner in crime!
You can see that having an open mind while reading this piece is critical to my getting anything out of it. And I did think she had something valuable to say. So, what did I think of Chua's perspective? I spent hours after reading it thinking and analyzing. Chua had some amazingly good points. Her kids and those raised in families like hers were usually hugely successful and driven. Like Chua herself who is a Professor at Yale University and a respected author. And I don't deny that accomplishing greatness and pushing oneself can be extremely satisfying.
I did take issue with her simple analysis of "Western" parents. She describes Western parents in a way that makes them appear weak and one-dimensional. She believes that Chinese parents, unlike Western parents, "assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently." In other words, we Western parents assume are children are fragile so we worry about them and don't push them too hard.
At this point I had to take a step back. I was busy thinking about all the crazy hockey (insert your sport here) parents I have seen and known and wondered whether Chua had ever known a Western parent with a child in competitive sports? I also couldn't help but think that she had completely missed the point about why Western parents are concerned about their children's emotional well-being. How this is not out of weakness but because we look at the whole child and not just one aspect. But I stepped back in because I promised myself I would get through this with an open mind.
I read as Chua described discipline including no TV, no sleepovers, and no playdates. I wondered how Chinese adults raised this way socialize? How do they navigate relationships and friendships? How do they work in a team environment or deal with conflict? Then Chua extols the virtues of calling your child "garbage" or "fat" as a way to motivate them to change. She describes punishments for low grades and "ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home" if a child does well.
And all of this I read and I took in and I even saw her point. I saw that, yes, if you parent like this you are likely to produce an adult who excels in many areas. On the outside, in all of the ways judged by others, that child will be deemed "successful".
But the whole time I read this piece and the whole time I thought about it afterward all I could feel was sadness. I felt this overwhelming sympathy for Chua. I wondered whether she ever had fun. Whether she has ever laughed until her belly hurt or experienced the thrill of doing something reckless. I wonder if she ever looks back with fondness at her childhood or looks forward to the joys of life.
Sure, she has achieved great "success" and obviously worked ridiculously hard to get it but to what end? A childhood friend of mine died at 26. My cousin died a young mom at 31. My mom died too soon at 67. I am so glad for them that they found joy and not just "success" during their short lives.
What I came away with after reading Chua's piece is even more confidence in how I parent my kids, "Western" style (it even sounds all renegade, doesn't it?). My kids are HAPPY. They love life. They feel joy. They compete and revel in their successes and learn from their failures. They work hard but not so hard that they can't nurture friendships and try new things and find their own unique and wonderful place in the world.
My children are a gift to this world because of who they are as individuals, not because of some external force dictating to them. My husband and I value them for who they are not who we want them to be. I want them to feel a part of the world around them, feel responsible and accountable all while "finding joy every day".
This is why I have decided that I am not a Tiger Mom, but a Dolphin Mom. Dolphins are known as social and friendly and giving. In fact, Dolphins have been documented as not only helping other dolphins but helping other species, including humans. Plus, Dolphin Moms depend on a strong social network of mom friends to raise their young and that's a lot like me.
I was raised this way by parents who adored me. Who knew I could conquer the world if I wanted to but let me find my own passion and my own happiness. And my professional successes have been great but, what truly makes it all worthwhile is the pure joy I get from living. And it is the LIVING that, in my opinion, is missing from Chua's Tiger Mom parenting.
I was raised this way by parents who adored me. Who knew I could conquer the world if I wanted to but let me find my own passion and my own happiness. And my professional successes have been great but, what truly makes it all worthwhile is the pure joy I get from living. And it is the LIVING that, in my opinion, is missing from Chua's Tiger Mom parenting.
I want my kids to LIVE! And I just can't imagine Chua or one of her kids doing, let alone with abandon, some of these things:
Jen - thank you. I was driving to work today thinking in amazement that none of us have tackled this yet. I am still thinking and rethinking about it all but I think you summed it up really REALLY well. I did lighten my opinion on the whole thing after reading her daughters open letter to her mother in the NY Post (I think). I still agree with you that I don't think they have FUN...but I agree so much with your point that she misses the point of Western parents looking after emotional well being.
I want to be a dolphin mom too!!! And I looooove all the pictures - but this first one - Jen she is smiling with her eyes and you can barely see them....so lovely.
I think part of this, too, is the difference in value on the individual that underlies everything else in this cultural divide. Because while you (and I) value our individuality and happiness of the one, it is more typical of Chinese culture to place the emphasis on the family, and to value bringing honour to the family through success. So while you are glad that people who didn't have much time at least got enjoy it, traditional chinese values would hope that they had time to live or die honourably to make their family look good and honour their ancestors. It's really a whole different way of looking at the value of a person and what is important about their life that these parenting styles are built on, and it's a huge gap to try and bridge in thinking about how we like to raise our kids and spend our lives!
I totally hear you, Alice. It is not that I don't understand the "whys". I really do. I also truly see the value in that style of parenting and why it is done. I think, as Tracey said, this becomes more difficult and is actually much less impactful when happening in the midst of a very different culture and community. Would Chua's choices be seen the same way in China? Absolutely not. But she wasn't in China AND, and this is the critical point, neither were her children.
I wanted to read it and open myself up to it instead of criticize and judge. What I got from it was reassurance that I am OK and that, although my children may not always be A+ students and will likely never be concert pianists, they will get from their lives what I hope they do. A sense of joy and self.
Thanks for tackling this subject, Jen, and already I'm loving the reasoned and thoughtful comments that your post has generated.
I too struggled through Chua's entire article, trying to understand the points she made, but her cultural values and her parenting philosophy are so discordant from my own that I had trouble seeing past our differences. Your post is encouraging me to give it another try.
And I love the photos...they're a wonderful testament to the type of parenting your kids are fortunate to have.
Alice, thank you for your comment. That really does give a whole new perspective on the situation. It won't change my own style, but it does help me to understand more about a choice that is so very different from my own. The better we all understand one another, the more tolerant and forgiving we can all be. Jen, as always, a very thoughtful and incisive post. Thank you.
Great post, Jen. I've had this whole thing swirling around in my head for weeks too... and I agree with Alice, that this is such a cultural thing - a measure of success, I mean - and within Chinese culture, this differs wildly from the "Western" way. It's the word "happy" and its value - in the west, it means everything. "Individual happiness" has little to no value in some other cultures.
My parents are West Indian and strict (or more strict than any of my friends' parents...) and some of their core values seemed almost Nazi-ish by other peoples standards too... but as we grew as a family in Canada, they became more "Western" over the years. I understand Chua's desires. Naturally, because it's not within our culture to use her methods (oh my goodness... "You're fat! No water for you!" *shudders*) it all feels sordid and abusive.
Change happens with passing generations. Co-ed sleepovers are en vogue these days. I'm thinking, "over my dead body" but who knows - in five years, I might look like mean-bitch-mummy for not allowing such things. Slopes are slippery. Chua digs her heels in with no apologies whatsoever, and I suppose she's reaped the rewards she wanted, right?
I wish her girls could have more fun though... that's a huge "pro" in western culture, of which her girls are a part - even though their mother doesn't value much of that at all. It must be a weird, stifling dichotomy to live within.
Love this. Love the pics and the captions. This is a boring comment with nothing to add, but wanted you to know you rock.
THIS BIT WAS WHAT KEPT HAUNTING ME IN THE TIGER MOM SCENARIO- where on earth is the individual? where is the joy? I try to show my children that they can do anything by encouraging, pushing a little at times and relenting when necessary. Happiness is found when we challenge ourselves but also embrace our differences. I see this as success. I respect the cultural differences but I don't respect a mom who puts her 3 year old out in the snow in -25C to punish her for not playing the piano.
You get one crack at childhood (I should know, I am still in mine) and if you don't get it you may always be missing a big piece.
Jen - you nailed it. I still can't get the whole "no playdate, no sleepovers" and, wait for it, my FAVOURITE: "no complaining about NOT being in a school play"....yes, her daughters are terribly accomplished but they'll be in therapy for years - a result of too much egoism at the expense of others and their own self-worth and place in society. Yes, I do push my kids to be the best they can be but not at the expense of their individuality and frankly, some of Chua's methods bordered on abuse. Of course, she'll sell millions of books and be the darling of talk shows for a while but people will eventually wake up and realise what she really is: a control freak, a media whore and prostituting her so-called family values for personal gain. My biggest concern? The fantastic Chinese moms who I know will get tarred with the same brush.
Ahhh. What a topic. I was involved in a spin off of this over at PHD in Parenting last week. The discussion was about where is your line in parenting. For me, Chua crossed my line. I guess the point is that each parent, within her/his culture, has a line.
I'm not a big fan of cultural relativism though, especially where science has shown the certain practices are harmful. Cultural relativism is used to excuse all sorts of atrocities against women & children. I bet there is a ton of research that would show that Chua's type of parenting does not result in psychologically healthy adults.
I'm with you Jen, success should be holistic, not just professional.
Great points, Er. And I totally agree. Cultural relativism is a lame excuse, what is wrong is wrong. However, there are shades of gray and I know that culture influences values so we have to keep an open mind and be open to difference while not using it as an excuse.
Did any of you read the letter from Amy Chua aka Tiger Mom's daughter to her mother? Check it out here: http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainment/why_love_my_strict_chinese_mom_uUvfmLcA5eteY0u2KXt7hM/0
This reminded me so much of that French dieting book. It's another fad, another splash and it's worked: we're all talking about it.
I would alos like to know how these children are socialised. It sounds a bit too puritanical, and we know what they were like...
I couldn't wait for urbanmoms to tackle this one! Some would call Children's Aid on this woman--who calls their kid FAT and thinks it motivates them?? I think that style of parenting misses the point entirely. Yes, we are raising adults, but why does the ride have to be so miserable as a TIGER mother?
We do need to sometimes push our kids to reach out of their comfort zones when it comes to trying new food, new activities, going to a new school, etc. But where is the love in her style?
We are raising adults but we get 18+ years of enjoying them as young people, watching them enjoy life and as Jen said, experiencing LIVING.
To Jen, *STANDING OVATION*
Check out the related Tracy Ullman spoof.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h9lIq8ErBs
Classic, emmyjr1! Love her.
As a psychotherapist of Chinese origins I have to weigh in. I think that the kind of parenting Chua endorses creates children who are estranged from themselves. Children who are not given the freedom to explore who they are will feel empty and hollow Without this core sense of self they try to define themselves by what they do and how they rate among others. They are shamed by this kind of parenting and need to cover up their shame with acheivement and are pre-occupied by how they look versus who they are.
Furthermore, when children are dominated by parents in this manner - they will relish having all the power to dominate when they have their own children. The cycle continues causing much suffering.
Jen --- Beautifully written! I now consider myself also a Dolphin Mom -- Thank You! I am off to share this -- You said it all!