I have some rules around communication for my 11 year-old son. They were established when he first got his cell phone. Actually, that's not totally true. They were established when his friends first got their cell phones. Until that point we really didn't need any rules because he barely used the thing. It was for emergencies and, with no one to contact but me, that's what he stuck to.
My boy and his phone.
But as soon as his pals started texting and calling we needed to make the boundaries clear. Here are a few of the important ones:
- No phones upstairs. This is to prevent bedtime texting. I know with absolute certainty that his friends sneak their phones upstairs and text at all hours. The critical thing about this is that it applies to everyone in the house. My iPhone stays downstairs too.
- Stay connected. The purpose of the phone is to inform me where he is. This was actually the whole point of the thing in the first place and as long as I am paying for it then I ask that he checks in regularly.
- I do spot checks. I will read his texts on occasion. I have, in fact, only done this a handful of times when a) I remember and b) I suspect that something is up and I am not getting the whole story.
- Respect. Don't text something you wouldn't say in person (this applies to facebook too). Think about your values and how something could be perceived out of context. This is VERY tough but I can already see my thoughtful guy rising above some of the petty goings on of his peers.
- Only one screen at a time. If you are watching TV put your phone and iTouch and laptop away. Focus on one thing at a time.
However, recently, he has been questioning #3 - The Spot Checks. I stand by my decision to have the option to check his texts but it is a fine line between keeping an eye out or my finger on the pulse and invading his privacy. He is at an age where he is developing relationships that I know little about and that is the way it should be. Is it really important for me to see his texts with his latest little "girlfriend"? Is it fair? I have such a great relationship with him that I don't want to risk this by being (or being perceived as) nosey.
But, on the other hand, he is not even 12 years-old and I am concerned that he still, on occasion, needs some guidance in these matters. I feel that it is tough enough navigating the real life social changes that happen at this age but throw in technology and mom needs to keep her eye out.
So, I am torn. I don't want him to think I don't trust him or that I am simply meddling but I feel that he is still too young to be left to his own devices. What is your experience? What would you do?
I would continue with the spot checks, especially if he is still young and I am paying for the phone.
At this age they are still developing their understanding of what constitutes acceptable behaviour. You're paying, you're guiding, you have the right to take a look. My kids pick up my phone all the time. There's nothing on there I wouldn't want them (or anyone) to see; the same should go for their phones. Like fb, if you wouldn't say it in person, don't put it in print. And if there's nothing there to be ashamed of, it shouldn't matter who takes a look.
This is a really interesting topic for me because I think a lot about how I will parent in this electronic age. My kids are still too young for phones but I often think about how to deal with it. On one hand you need to keep track of their friends and activities but on the other hand you need to give them the opportunity to make their own mistakes and learn from them. If you are too overbearing then they learn to lie and sneak around (deleting sensitive texts etc). I think at 11 years old it is acceptable to do spot checks but at a certain age you have to back off (at what age, I don't know). Is that realistic?
Your rules sound right in line to me, Jen. Granted, my kids are too young for phones yet, but I think when they're this young AND you're paying for the phone, you should have some "casual access." I'm watching my technophobe neighbour deal with her 4 kids and their phones, and I'm skairt.
Jen- i think your ideas are great and I thank you for this list.
I think maybe he gets a little privacy and then if you suspect something is not good you can take a peak.
I don't know though- I find this stuff hard to navigate too.
he seems like a special guy and he is darn cute- I would be concerned with the girls and how they stalk nice boys with 40 texts a day. Honestly
I love your rules Jen (as i sit here and type and watch tv)...I'm goign to keep them handy for later. My parents always lived by the 'if we're paying for it - we have the right too....' and you know what - I agree with it. I think you're totally on the right track!
You have had 11 years to imprint your values. Tweens especially need to know that you will not be shocked by what ever they choose to share. They also need to know it is their choice to share or not.
No texting into the night - Right.
Peeking into text on his phone - Wrong.
Where can a child become an adult if he thinks that everything he does is open to scrutiny from his Mom. You are engaged in deception with the one your love most. If you are going to peek explain to him first why you have this compulsion.
Hi Lea. I think peeking without his knowledge would be wrong. I think peeking to "spy" would be wrong. But checking in when I am concerned on an 11 y/o? This I am OK with.
I like your rules, and more importantly, that you follow them too, which shows a respect that I think is important to how those rules will be perceived.
I also think spot checks are okay, but may be better received if you walk through them together and can talk about who he's talking to, maybe make it more of a casual conversation? It will get harder with that one, for sure, but staying involved in his life and his friends is important, and as their influence becomes bigger, it's good to know who they are. I think, though, that you will need to start building to independence. Maybe lengthening time between spot checks to give him a little rope will help build trust that will let you let go entirely in the next year or so if you don't see anything of great concern? Reminding him of why you're doing it, too, may help.
It's a tough one, for sure, and I am SO not looking forward to getting there! Will be back for guidance in a few years...
Well, I agree that the approach might matter. My husband and I have an open policy with each other phones... we have nothing to hide from each other so it doesn't matter if he looks at my cell, texts, email, facebook, etc or vice versa.
For times when privacy is important (usually only at Christmas or Birthday when we are trying to surprise each other with our not-so-creative gifts), we will call a break until the moment passes.
So, for our family... once our kids get to that age (which we've jokingly promised them will happen when they graduate from college), the family rule will apply... you've got nothing to hide, so you've got nothing to hide.
Now, will they understand this or think its fair? Doubt it. But, the reality is, I've seen kids I know approached by predators on email and cell phones, I just saw one last night show up on a Facebook "naughty-hotty lists" and all sorts of other garbage. I'll take the heat of intruding on my kids lives if it means helping them avoid some of the territory that seems to accompany technology for youth.
I think you're doing a great job. I was raised with boundaries and expectations - I remember hating them and resenting my parents for them - I also know that I made it through a lot of bad times in life for that guidance and direction they offered along the way.
Does it matter if you pay for the phone or the child pays for it themselves?
My 12 year old daughter has a phone that she pays for herself. (she babysits and makes a ton of money) Our deal was that she could have a phone if she paid for it. Does this give me less right to look at what she's doing with it?
I will look to see who she is texting with, but not what they are texting about.
I think of it this way.... would you pick up an extension and listen in on his phone conversations? if the answer is "yes" then you go ahead and check his texts - BUT if the answer is "no" then leave it alone
Texts are just proof a conversation took place and unfortunately it is left for all to see, unlike a phone conversation which is over once the parties hang up
If you think listening in on a private conversation is an invasion of privacy, then so is reading texts IMO.
If you are paying for his phone then he follows your rules - once he starts paying for it himself then maybe you can negoiate different rules. I'm personally shocked he has a cell phone at 11. Both of my kids got them in Grade 7 and not a day sooner and even then we found they were too young for the responsibility BUT we went having it for safety issues as they both walked home. So what is the average age of kids getting cell phones now then??
He is in grade 6 so not too much different than grade 7. However, he has had it for a while. It was the right time for us.
# 3 is very touchy... One it is an invasion of privacy, no matter what age...But if you are paying for the phone, then it is your property and can do with what you like...Myself personally, a cell phone used for anything else than emergency or to stay in contact with family, should be payed for by the child, if the child is old enough for a cell phone than all responsibility including working elsewhere( not do the dishes for 2 bucks, thats slaveing) I mean get a part time job, cut grass, babysit to pay for your texting and non-family calls...Nothing in life is free and if you pay for your child and let them wild, than that is BAD parenting...
Thanks for your input, Mike. You obviously have strong opinions about this. I initially gave my son the phone when he started walking his little sister to and from school. Now, most of his friends have phones so he uses it for texting and staying in touch so I know where he is. It allows him more freedom and me peace of mind.
What I don't appreciate about your comment is the accusation of "bad parenting". One thing I know about myself and don't doubt, I am a good mother. I may not parent like you but I am 100% sure that there is no one perfect way to parent. Imagine how boring the world would be if we were all exactly the same!
My kids didn't get there cell phones until they were 13. Two have them and one is still waiting.
I believe that the guidlines that you have set up are great, but I wouldn't be spot checking his texts. Hopefully you trust your son enough that he is following your guidelines and if there is a point in time that you feel that you are not getting the whole story, ask if he minds if you take a look. At that point in time most kids would crack under the pressure and let you know if something else is going on!!!!
Your second-last paragraph is all the advice you need. He's 11. He's still a little kid, and needs you to be looking out for him. Even if you trust HIM, you can't necessarily trust all of his "friends"... and kids who are being bullied through text messages might not admit to it. And yes, from the perspective of one whose neighbor had a pregnant 11-year-old, you DO need to keep tabs on what's happening with his latest "little girlfriend." You're doing a great job of being the mom, and that's more important than being the buddy, especially at this age.
It's interesting because I received a number of messages from parents either by email or private message on facebook who didn't want to comment publicly. They told me of situations with their children that either they should have been keeping a closer eye on what was going on or that they were and managed to take action and get involved before things got out of hand.
As long as you are clear on the boundaries up front and communicate that you will be checking I think most kids understand. I know mine does. And, you could save your child from a bad situation. One mom found out in a spot check that her son was going to be beaten up by a group and they were rallying support on facebook. She was able to tip off the school and the kids involved were all dealt with accordingly. Her son had said nothing to her despite the fact that they are very close. He was afraid. Had she not done this who knows what would have happened both to her son and to the other kids.
It is our job to protect them. However, I know these boundaries of mine are temporary and will have to evolve and change as my children do.
Pregnant at ELEVEN?! OMG. What a tragedy.
Jen; I agree with the boundaries and rules you have set for your 11 yr old. I too, have an 10 yr old turning 11 in the next month and I do appreciate everything you have said. While growing up myself my parents always said "if you live in my house, then you live by my rules". So, yes you are doing the right thing by giving your son spot checks and checking up on him. My daughter hasn't asked for a cell phone yet, but like I told my daughter that she has to wait until her brother's age before she gets one and if I am paying for it then there will be rules to abide from. I personally feel that a cell phone is a "priviledge" just like a computer and if the rules aren't followed properly then the cell phone will be taken away.
But then, the cell phone should only be used "for emergencies only".. Whatever happened to the time when if we wanted to "communicate" with our friends we talk to them "face to face" instead of taking cell phones to school and having them banned or taken away because the child was using it when they weren't supposed to.
We still have rules in place and spot checks, etc. for our 13 year old (turns 14 this summer). In today's cyber age where anything goes, it is best to err on the side of caution rather than respect privacy at such a young, impressionable age such as 11. Our 13 year old was caught surfing porn a couple of times (discovered during spot checks) and lost ALL privileges for a LONG time. It happens more than you think and there are some pretty scary people out there just waiting to prey on our kids. You pay for the phone, so you have every single right as his mother to check his phone whenever you'd like as much as you'd like. When a person works for a company and the boss issues them a cell phone and computer, there is no such thing as privacy. The company has the right to see every single thing on your phone or computer -- I believe that's the same at home. You are the boss until they are young, responsible adults and can fend for themselves. You're not doing it to be mean or nosey, you're doing it because you love him and want to help him navigate his way through a very technology driven world.
My son got his phone when he was starting high school, for emergencies and to tell me where he was going to be etc. He understood that it was a privilege and that phones can cost a considerable amount of money each month. We got the cheapest plan possible and even removed the texting option. It really bothers me the number of people (adults and children) that always have a phone in their hand and don't talk to anyone face to face anymore. By not having texting, you eliminate the prying aspect because he can still have a private phone conversation.
Wow. Eleven, eh?
We didn't give in on the cells until high school (my kids are sixteen, thirteen and ten) and even then I got grief from my family that my kids were too young.
Most of my 'group' tell their kids that they have to wait for a cell phone until they can pay for it and the contract themselves - so that's about sixteen.
Stick to your spot checks and all the other rules too! You can ease off as he gets older, but you're 110% right, he's still a little kid, so help him stay that way a while longer.
Oh, and I hope this doesn't sound like I'm judging ANYONE who gives their kids phones younger then I did/do. I'm not. Different things are necessary for different families - do whatever works for you and your kids and good luck!!
Maybe if people did more spot checks and checking what kids are doing on the internet we wouldn't have young girls running away to meet perverts because they thought they were a friend their age. Don't try to be your kids friend! You are the parent. Do what you think is best to keep them safe and from doing the wrong things!
Don't worry about if they think you are nosy. Big deal.
I don't think its an invasion of privacy if you agree up front that those are the rules.
Our daughter just turned 12. We decided she has to wait until 13 to get a cell phone, but we agreed for her to have a facebook account on this birthday. But the deal is we get to be her friends and she has to share her password with us.
It's not that we want to spy on her but that we want to help her learn about acceptable usage.
Regarding the phone situation, I don't think it really matters whether your child is paying for the cell phone or not. If they are not "under-age" and still under your wing then I think it is appropriate to have rules on usage and to maintain openness.
A friend of ours recently told us she came across her 11 year old son texting with friends around bedtime and asked him what he was texting. He reluctantly showed her. He was texting with some friends making fun of some other friends at school. This was out of character for him and she asked him how he'd feel if he was the subject of the texts, or if those other friends saw the texts. He agreed he'd feel pretty bad either way - lesson learnt.
We're parents - it's our job to parent.
Look at the article on the Front Page, New York Times, Sunday, March 27th. You urban moms must have felt this one coming. As the mother of a 24 yr old I don't think this would have happened in 1998. Not that the kids were any different just that the medium has morphed.