Today is Pink Shirt Day at my children's school. It is an anti-bullying statement that the Toronto District School Board has adopted board wide. In theory, I think it is fabulous. But truthfully, I worry that all of this attention on bullying and the word being thrown around in far too many situations is actually drawing attention to the behaviours and making it kinda cool. I mean, teens try smoking or drinking or drugs despite all of our attempts to have them see the negative impact. Because what they see is a chance for power by doing it IN SPITE of our advice.
I kinda see this with bullying. Or, maybe the word bullying is too harsh. I do find the term way overused. Maybe it is simply being "mean". Today the kids go through the motions and wear their pink shirts but I hear about some incredibly mean things happening in the schoolyard. And, honestly, it seems like it is a bit of a trend. It even seems to define and identify the Cool Kids. Especially the girls.
I have heard it far too many times - "Girls can be mean." And yes, I know this is true. I know it because I was a girl and, sometimes, I was mean. But the world was still very small when I was little and I don't think our meanness was as sophisticated or started as early. Maybe I am being naive, I don't know, but I can tell you one thing, I am shocked by what I hear.
I have an 8 year-old daughter and a nearly 12 year-old son so, I've been through this stage before with my boy. But nothing could prepare me for the cold-hearted ugliness of these little girls. With the boys it was simple: Boys fight, they hit each other or yell, they move on, they are friends again.
With the girls it is far more manipulative and hard-hitting. And, if like me you happen to have a girl who doesn't play by those rules or isn't as sophisticated, watch out. These little divas find their weakness and pounce. You can not turn your back for a minute without being left out of a club, told you are weird, or risk losing your best friend. For a girl like mine this is incredibly confusing, she simply does not get it. She tries to play along but, because she doesn't really understand the complexity of the game, she finds herself missing a step and standing on the outside.
Now don't get me wrong, she is not the only one. Really there are only a few who are immune and even they have to work very hard at it. I hear these girls talking about the boys they like (yup, grade 2), who they hate and who are their friends (this is constantly changing), and encouraging others to do the same. This is what I find most disturbing. I want to make it clear, as far as I know this is NOT happening to my daughter. So, this is NOT a personal rant. My girl is pretty confident in herself, although sometimes unsettled when these things happen, and is rarely the target. She seems to have a number of friends in various groups.
However, she has been telling me lately about one friend in particular who "everyone hates" and it is upsetting to her. My daughter was told that she shouldn't be friends with her or others may not be friends with her anymore. She didn't seem to get it or chose to overlook the threat but it really bothered her that people have decided not to like this girl.
I know this little girl, she is cute and fun and friendly. She is a good friend to my daughter and they always enjoy each other's company. However, what I found out from my daughter when this came to light is that her little friend had a fight with one of the Alpha Girls and since that point she has been on the Do Not Friend List. Basically, the Alpha Girls have spread the word that being her friend is risky business and you do it at the risk of becoming an outcast yourself.
Does this not seem incredibly cruel? I am proud of my girl for not giving in but I also worry about her with all of this craziness going on. How does one navigate these treacherous waters or help their children do so? For now, it has been more the revelation that this is happening than any kind of emotional response from my daughter but I know that how we respond now will influence the way she deals with this stuff for the rest of her life.
So, do you see this trend for meanness happening too? Do you think Mean is the New Black?
I have three young daughters and posts like this make me so scared for the years ahead. Breaks my heart to think of them having experiences like that.
What a great post Jen...and scary too. We were discussing this at physio this morning and we all agreed that this type of behaviour was totally happening when we were that age but it just was accepted. Girls can just be so cruel - I was more of a follower - sort of flew under the radar on all that but it was everywhere and so incredibly sad. I have to think about you 'is mean the new black' ....very insightful.
Strangely I am comforted that you think it hasn't changed much. We all survived so it gives me hope that they will too. Definitely a conversation we should keep having.
I do find technology is a total game changer with the older kids. Now meanness is OUT THERE for everyone to see.
we all survived this, yes, but things are VERY different these days. people tweet and post to facebook things as they happen. the word gets spread way faster and exists forever thanks to these sites that kids are a part of WAY too early. though they are a part of these sites from an early age they seem to not have the media literacy necessary to be able to handle and interpret them in a sophisticated way. whatever is on the internet, kids take as the truth. they do not look at the information in a critical way. that is scary. instead of stopping the bullying they see happening in front of them, they whip out camers, take pictures and post them to their sites. their friends jump on the band wagon and start commenting on them. all the while the poor actual child being bullied is totally being ignored. their face may even make it to you tube where everyone can watch but yet no one really pays attention.
as a teenager, a friend once decided she didn't like me any more. she called all of our friends and told them nasty things i had supposedly said about them. the next day at school was horrifying as each gril confronted me about what i had said. she also wrote a mean spirited letter about me, passed it around to everyone before eventually giving it to me. i just wanted the world to open up an swallow me. i cannot imagine just how nasty things would get if the same situation occured with today's social media.
Kids are mean, boys and girls. I hear it every day. I try to intervene every day. I think they are meaner in a school setting than in other settings.
I think the pink shirt thing does nothing, NOTHING. It's a nice gesture. The original, spontaneous pink shirt day was brilliant, but probably had little effect in the long term.
Sigh. I have some ideas that I've gleaned from Barbara Coloroso's book The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander and Tribes. I would love to try Tribes school wide to see how it works but that is a financial and human resources trial.
I do think the terms bully and bullied are bandied about loosely, where teasing and mean are more appropriate. However, teasing and meanness should be addressed.
It also breaks my heart to think of my girls experiencing that.
I see this beginning with my five-year-old daughter's friends - especially those with older sisters in second and third grade - and fear for all of them when they get to junior high. My daughter understands, at this age, that we don't play games that hurt and exclude people because it hurts everyone. But among some of her friends' parents, there's a sort of tacit belief that "girls will be girls", and that we should just let them work it out. Should we? Aren't we obligated to teach them how we want them to behave? Aren't we required to intervene when are kids are doing something hurtful? Isn't it our job to give them solutions and coping tools? How is it okay to be a "mean girl", but disciplinary action is taken to correct a "bully"?
Maybe mean is the new black. Kudos to you for starting this conversation, because that's the only way we're going to find solutions.
I have a & year old little girl and it suprises me how young these so called trends start. She will often come home talking about "clubs" that she is not able to join. Although she often tells it does not bother her....Yeah for her....Mt hisband and i are concerned that the segregation at such a young is just a glimpse of what is to come in the future.
I agree that the "Bully" title is used too frequently and I think that parents need to work that little bit more to ensure that there children are self-reliant and proud to be the unique person they are.
My daughter is very much her own person, both at school and home, so I feel she is able to jsut move on from the silly situations.
It was always said that parenting was hard, I know my parents continually reminded me of this when i was nearing the age of parenting, but I now see behind the lines.
I am sending out a bit Golden Star to all those parents who constantly communicate with their children honestly about these things.....I does make a difference in who they are and who they become.
Thanks for this Blog....I hope many parents read and think of the contents.
My daughter is 4 and her best-friend at preschool (yep preschool) started being mean to her last week. She told A that she no longer wanted to play with her and was actually physical with my daughter and pushed her. A does not understand what is going on and this situtation has made her sad. She doesn't get why her friend is being mean to her when as she wants to do is play with her. I am so sad that she is experiencing this already! A starts JK next year and I am already dreading dealing with the mean girls. I was bullied when I was in school and I really hope that A has a different experience.
My son had pink shirt day yesterday as well. I agree that it probably doesn't do much, though it does get some kids to break out of their comfort zone, which is always a good thing.
I also agree girls can be far more manipulative and subtle than boys. Has it changed since I was a child? No, I think it is just that some schools, and some kids, are much worse than others. Despite the presence of "alpha girls" at my school, there were also groups of girls and boys considered "nerds" that were perfectly content being friends with each other and the opinion of an alpha girl wouldn't have affected that in the least. Some schools don't have that, or the alphas just have too much control.
For those that may wonder just what it feels like to go through something like this, Single Dad Laughing wrote an amazing blog post about his experience a little while ago. I defy anyone to read this without crying...
http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/memoirs-of-bullied-kid.html
Bullying may be an overused term, but it is a very real problem.
I just read the post that Kathryn linked to on Single Dad Laughing. WOW! It's so raw. I've had bullying and school on the back burner of my brain for a long time. It's time for a solution. I see how mean the kids are and I try to help but I feel helpless. BTW, only 4 girls in my gr. 8 class wore pink. That's out of 26. And some of the boys are just as mean and manipulative as the girls. The question is, what do we do about it? I need to do some research but it may have to wait until summer.
I agree, it's so hard to know how to deal with it, because as S.D.L. points out, often the worst bullies are dealing with home lives or other problems that we wouldn't wish on our worst enemies. Teaching our children to be strong and confident individuals shouldn't be as difficult as it is, and teaching them to be compassionate and loving individuals shouldn't either.
I think the autonomy of the public school system is a factor, to a degree. Parents can, should and NEED to be involved in the goings-on at school and if I ever perceive a problem with my son, there isn't a power on this earth that will keep me from dealing with it. Parents can bring about change, but only if we know what is going on and insist that school officials find a solution.
The meanness is learned and I hate to say it, but usually by older siblings. I find that if my daughter is friends (they are Grade 1) with the oldest child (who has younger siblings) that this is a non-issue. But when she befriends kids who have older siblings those are the girls that tend to have that harder edge. Not all, but certainly a few.
The only thing that I am happy about is there are only 2 classes per grade at her school. There is not a lot of turnover either. I make sure we talk on the walk home and at dinner about her day. So far my daughter falls into that "popular girl" group and I have to continually tell her that although everyone likes her that she needs to be nice to everyone and don't use words that you would not want to have said to you. Set an example of kindness, I alway say. I worry sometimes that because of her popularity that she might abuse her position. The scariest thing she has ever said to me was "Life is better when you are cute, if you are not cute, life is hard..." Scared me to death!
I was bullied as a kid and had zero friends till Grade 4 when the friends of the bully realized that I was not such a bad person and decided to think for themselves.
This is a tough time to be a girl....
good for you for posting this. I really remember feeling the turn of my children's playground innocence very upsetting-but it is the way of the world, sadly. It is ramped up today over our time though. Your daughter can use her strength for goodness and stand up for ostracized friends and classmates. This is a powerful moment for any kid and it is amazing to see the bullies de throned by it.
When my oldest starting to see and even experience a little I would tell her stories of my own experiences and we would talk it through. We read great picture books always on the topic and this helped a lot. Keep going.
I have a daughter in grade 2 in Edmonton (ECS) and I sure would like to talk to Fiona's mom to make her aware of how her daughter is being mean to my daughter Mallory. You know it's a bad thing when you ask your daughter what she did for recess and she says, "I followed the bad girls around" it didn't occur to me to correct her because that seems like a fitting description. I'm thinking of holding Mallory back in grade 2 just to get her away from this (I know some of the kids in grade 1 (and more importantly the parents). The kids will all be together till grade 9 and I want my daughter to have some good friends and not be around kids like that! Who will influence who when one is so vocal etc. I sure don't need my daughter turning in to something like that or being picked on forever (is the only hope that they learn to "play these games")(my other daughter a year older had a brief run in with someone in kindergarten but it was a happy day when this one moved away). Does the mother not realize what a little snot her kid is being. If I was told that my daughter was doing these things I would take some action - I would not allow her to continue on being mean and would remove her if necessary. Are these parents too self-involved (in their jobs etc or whatever) Doesn't the school make the parents aware (I have said some things to the school but I don't even know what they do or what I have a right to know or do). They sure don't tell me what they are doing (if anything and they hide behind the wall of "privacy". It seems like a good reason to homeschool though...
monkey see monkey do...that is what kids do. Fear of being isolated and not excepted is why some follow these patterns or monkey the other kids. It is the parents that can teach them that they should think for themselves and teach them values and the rights and wrongs of life. I feel for kids as the pressure to be excepted is enormous although with lots of love from parents and lots of attention can drive them into the right direction.
This is getting a bit more subjective, but I much prefer the Zune Marketplace. The interface is colorful, has more flair, and some cool features like 'Mixview' that let you quickly see related albums, songs, or other users related to what you're listening to. Clicking on one of those will center on that item, and another set of "neighbors" will come into view, allowing you to navigate around exploring by similar artists, songs, or users. Speaking of users, the Zune "Social" is also great fun, letting you find others with shared tastes and becoming friends with them. You then can listen to a playlist created based on an amalgamation of what all your friends are listening to, which is also enjoyable. Those concerned with privacy will be relieved to know you can prevent the public from seeing your personal listening habits if you so choose.
Apple now has Rhapsody as an app, which is a great start, but it is currently hampered by the inability to store locally on your iPod, and has a dismal 64kbps bit rate. If this changes, then it will somewhat negate this advantage for the Zune, but the 10 songs per month will still be a big plus in Zune Pass' favor.
You have many helpful ideas! Perhaps I should think of trying to do this myself.
You have a lot helpful ideas! Perhaps I should think of trying to do this myself.
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