When I was a girl I had no idea how lucky I was. I thought every little girl had a loving home full of support and encouragement. I thought all children had a mom and a dad who listened to their unique perspective and truly believed their children could conquer the world. I didn't think too much about how it would feel if I didn't have this soft place to land or the solid foundation at home to keep me from losing myself, especially during those tough pre-teen and teen years. And I never thought about what kind of a grown-up person I would be if I hadn't lived this way because I was busy figuring out who I was.
However, now I see it clearly. I see it in my children's friends and in my friends as parents. I see how the core of who one is is built on the foundation of one's childhood. Now, as an adult and a parent myself, I see how critical that secure and nurturing childhood is to the well-being and success of our children out in the world. And, sadly, I see how few people are blessed enough to have it.
My parents passing on the legacy of love to their grandchildren.
How is it possible to confidently make decisions out of love even when they go against the grain if you never experienced this yourself as a child? How is it possible to nurture your children's unique and individual spirit, help them to feel confident in who they are and value their difference, when you were taught to toe the line and "fit in"? How is it possible to avoid passing on your own insecurities to your children if they are founded in doubt passed on through generations before you?
I see the impact of my parent's legacy of self-acceptance on myself as an imperfect but self-confident and self-aware adult and I also see it on the little people in my life every day. My children are both unique. They are very good students and stellar athletes but what makes me most proud is that they both have a strong sense of themselves. They are not threatened by others because they feel good about who they are. My son said to me the other day, "I don't understand why my friends talk about who they can't stand or who they don't like. Everybody has something good about them so why don't we talk about that?" Amazing.
And my daughter. The other day as we got ready to go to the theatre production of The Lion King I instructed her to put on something "fancy". She doesn't have much but I thought black jeans and a glittery t-shirt would do. Instead, she came down in something I would have thought too casual and said, "I know this isn't what you call "fancy" but I think I look pretty." How can I argue with that?
My point is that this is what will make them happy and successful in life, not trophies and the "right" friends and public recognition. Just like my parents did for me I want to give my kids the confidence to love and accept themselves. They may not be rich or famous or #1 but this gift will lead to a life full of joy. I should know.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
I love that picture SO much! What a happy group - and what a great and true post Jen!
Every time my husband visits my family he shakes his head and makes the same statement...it's something along the lines of "how did you and your sister grow up like this and become functioning members of society? You really should be in some padded wall somewhere." Our childhoods were, well, filled with NOTHING that you describe. It's REALLY sad, really sad, when I realize that I have no sort of parenting legacy to pass down to my children other than "do it differently than my parents did..."
Just the other day, Emily was singing her song from her upcoming performance in Hairspray and I am crying my head off, bursting with pride in how amazing and confident my child is...and my mom turns to her and says, "You know, you really sound like a cat when you sing. Maybe some voice lessons would do her some good?"
OMG, Ali. This makes me so sad. But it also makes me SO proud of you! You are an incredible mom despite your upbringing. And your mom should be ashamed of herself.
Jen- the more I read about your daughter the more I want to hang with her! she is amazing. With this start can you just imagine the wonderful, quirky and strong adult she will be. LOVE THIS.
And Ali- you are amazing in spite of all of that garbage. I try to remember that that voice comes from one's own sadness/ disappointment with themselves and has very little to do with others!
Uch, Ali... I can't even... :(
I'm with Ali.
I'm surprised I didn't have an eating disorder after having my ass pinched my whole childhood and being called "peanut butter bum" anytime I ate something sweet.
I am very careful to "do it differently" with my gang.
WHAT?! That is disgusting, Christine. Those types of comments stay with a person forever.
You should be so proud of yourself for how you parent your own children.
It's true, every word.
Kids are their own people from early on, and helping them be that will only make them stronger and teach them how to be the best them that they can be.
I always tell my daughter that we're doing our best to raise her into an adult, because that long goal is hard for her to see, but so important when you think about what kids need, too!
I have to think that people do the very best they can, and when they know better, they do better. Times change. The way we relate to children change as the decades roll along. There wasn't even much of a "childhood stage" until the turn of the last century... it's amazing how what could seem "normal" ways to behave or parent can seem completely archaic a mere 20 years later.
I'm so happy you have all this goodness to reflect on, and to pass onto your children, Jen! Your kids sound like amazing people... the apple doesn't fall far, you know. :)
Loved your article. Sent it on to my 16 year old son. He is very kind and supportive and always sees the best in everyone. He often tells me about troubled kids at school but always hones in on one or two positive traits. I am so proud of him.
He also always celebrates the accomplishments of his friends and talks so proudly of them. There has never been even a bit of jealousy. I realize that is because of his own self-confidence.
I've always said that he has these wonderful qualities despite his parents. Believe me, neither my husband or I had ideal childhoods. Nonetheless, what my husband and I did give our son was unqualified love and support. Our son always came first with us.
My husband passed away unexpectedly recently and I can only hope that my love and support are enough to give my son the best foundation for the next few crucial years.