I couldn't sleep last night. You know when something happens and it weighs heavily on you? When you go over and over it in your mind? I had a night like that.
My kids and I are here in Calgary visiting my sister, Kath, and her two wonderful girls. The kids are having an awesome time with each other. There is just something so very special about cousins. And of course my sis and I always enjoy each other's company. Although we have little time just the two of us with these crazy kids around we still manage to chat and laugh and catch up.
Those crazy kids!
But, when there is 24/7 togetherness there is bound to be conflict. Little arguments or, like last night, some more significant drama. And when there is conflict there is an opportunity for education and resolution, right? I think most parents would agree on this. However, what I barrelled head-on into last night was that not every parent gets there in the same way.
I am a "doer". I throw myself fully and immediately into projects at full force. So, when the kids were at a standstill, unable to resolve their issue last night, I dove in to help them. I attempted to gather them together, hear what the others had to say, to have each of them hear the other's point of view.
The problem was that this would not have been how my sister would have dealt with it. My sister is more passive. My barrel in approach is not her style. To her it seemed loud and forceful. She would have given the kids a chance to cool off and then deal with them individually, helping them see the situation from a calmer place.
This, of course, makes sense too. But, life experience has taught me that dealing with it in the moment guarantees it is dealt with. My fear is that it would simply stagnate and never get resolved. In my experience, if conflict is not dealt with in the moment it often goes unresolved. This can lead to resentment, misunderstanding and avoidance. I want my children to be able to actively resolve conflict in the moment and move on.
Much of this is personality. I HATE conflict and need resolution. Immediately. And then we move on.
My sister HATES conflict and would prefer to walk away and let the conflict subside. Then later discuss solutions to avoid conflict in the future.
Neither of us is wrong and the kids were all fine, jumping on the trampoline and laughing within minutes. But it hung heavily over me last night because I felt the difference in our styles of resolution. I thought a lot about Kath's style and what is best for our kids. I thought about parenting and our role in preparing our kids for the real world where they will decide for themselves how to resolve conflict. I thought about how my style will influence the rest of their lives.
What I came out of this with was a keen understanding of our different styles, a sense of how my intentions might be misinterpreted and a terribly sleepless night. Ahhh, the joys of parenting.
How do you resolve conflict? How do you deal with different parenting styles?
I hate conflict, and I hate the noise of it (when it's the children) but mine are still kinda young, so the resolution usually comes in the "knock it off, don't hit your sibling, and apoligise right now..." kind of way of things. I think it will change as they age, and the smallest Small isn't prone to tantrums anymore...
My husband is waaaaaaaaay more patient than I am - we both tend to diffuse the situation on the spot though. (Again, the kids are small... the fights are small... so far.)
Good post, Jen!!
The kids in my life are pretty young, too. My own are 3 and 5, and most of my dayhome crew falls in that age range. The wee ones struggle with learning to share and take turns and the bigger ones work through stage-managing whatever complicated make-believe thing they have going on. Most of their clashes arise from learning how to play together. And, ironically, I deal with their conflict the same way I deal with my own: I send them to sit down and cool off, and then we talk about solutions.
My daughter is just getting to the age where kids hurt each other's feelings on purpose, so we talk a lot about how to be a good friend, and how not everybody knows how to be a good friend, and that even good friends make each other cry, sometimes. When another kid at camp or at school hurts her feelings, I can't sit them down to talk about solutions, and I can't remind both of them what being a good friend means. And I so don't want to be THAT parent, calling the other kids' parents to resolve our kids' issues. Unless there is threat of real harm, I think they have to learn to work it out themselves. So, my daughter is learning that not everyone can (or wants to) work it out, which is scary, and a little sad. I thought we had more time.
Thanks for this post, Jen. It gave me lots to think about.
I have tried both approaches at different times and sometimes one works better than the other and sometimes neither works. I agree with Desi's approach to try to let them sort it out themselves, especially with friends who may have a very different personality. I tend to prefer though that we sort things out on the spot and we all move on (as does my son) whereas my daughter usually needs some alone time to cool off. Like everything in life and parenting, I think you need to take it as it comes. No easy answers. Sigh.
I've tried both as well. I think the important thing is that you both are actively thinking about the well-being of your kids and how best to help them. I'm definitely more of a doer as well - i dive in and talk about things, I yell, I scream, i have big family meetings - my husband doesn't interfere in that, but he does often question privately the effectiveness of my methods sometimes. But, I was raised in an environment where we talked about everything, had lots of arguments but also lots of revelations too. It's my style and it's all I've got!
This is a great post Jen! My hubby and I deal with conflicts very differently and what makes it so difficult is that he is rarely home.
I am the more patient, calmer (although I do have my moments lol) and more apt to talk things over with the children about what they could have done differently etc.. My hubby on the other hand was raised in a much stricter Eastern European environment and is more of a yeller and "do as I say - now!" type of guy. This is a struggle we are always dealing with when he comes home. Sigh. Wow parenting really is a continual learning curve.
With my kids, I often get involved, because their young. They need a little help. And now they're starting to problem solve on their own using strategies I've taught them. Overheard today, "well, we can take turns, each have 5 minutes". Of course, there are still screaming matches that occasionally degenerate into hitting (although that's very rare).
With my students, it's more difficult because there are so many of them that it's hard to really spend enough time addressing conflict. I firmly believe it needs to be done but...it's hard when there is work to be done and so many kids.
For myself, I've not been consistent. I would like to say I raise issues right away before they fester, but I don't think that's always true. In fact not even remotely true. I'm like my parents who both avoid(ed) conflict. Not a good thing.
It's not easy is it?