First, let me clarify that in this post I am only talking about me. This is simply my experience. I am in no way attempting to make sweeping statements representing all working moms or commenting on the challenges of staying at home. I am an expert on neither.
For the last 10 days I have been visiting my sister in Calgary. And despite what you might see below, it was AWESOME. But definitely full of reality. Usually during the summer my kids are in camp and I am busy working. Although summer is more relaxed, our routine is pretty similar to school days. I do take time off and we travel and do fun stuff together as a family but we are rarely just hanging around at home without something to "do".
Those crazy cousins riding the waves at the West Edmonton Mall's Waterpark.
But, aside from these fun adventures in Calgary, hanging around at home pretty much sums up our time there. Two moms, four kids hanging around. Now, when planning this I envisioned myself reading a book on the patio, snoozing on the couch or watching movies with my sister. All the while the kidlets would be happily entertaining themselves somewhere else. I was prepared to relax, catch up with Kath, and let the cousins' reunion excitement fuel their activities. It was going to be dreamy.
However, this working mom was ill-prepared for the reality of the stay at home mom and 10 days later I am completely exhausted and totally sick of my kids. So you're probably thinking that they were badly behaved, right? But the crazy thing is that you would be wrong. They weren't. In fact, they were very good.
So, what is the problem then? Let me see if I can explain.
- They were constantly hungry and even when they fed themselves there was a mess to clean up. Even when they cleaned up the mess there was a mess to clean up. When they didn't, we had to do it for them.
- They got bored. "We're bored. What can we do?" A lot.
- They made up a song that they sang in the car. That song went like this: "Arrrrrrre weeeee therrrrrrrre yet? Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?!" over and over and over and over.
- They made up a new phrase that replaced any random word or phrase in a sentence. Said phrase was used over and over and over and over. Said phrase was "poo nugget".
- They couldn't figure stuff out for themselves.
- They wanted me and my sister to play with them. Often.
- They needed to sleep with me. In the bed.
- They were arguing/disagreeing/fighting.
- They couldn't find "X".
- They needed help with "Y".
- They were annoying and loud and constantly there.
I think what I learned from the past 10 days is that I am not meant to be a 24/7 mother. In fact, I am kind of embarrassed by how easily frustrated I got with them at times (I called my nearly 12 year-old a "dinkuss". Yes I did.) The last 10 days were not my shining moments as a mother.
But wait! One of the days was actually awesome! It was everyone's favourite day and I think I know why. It was the day that we spent at the waterpark in the West Edmonton Mall. The whole day from the morning until they practically had to chase us out when it closed. My sis and I rented a lounge area and the kids had free reign. They checked in with us regularly. Plus, we all did a bunch of the slides together. We left the park for food and came back ready to ride those waves again!
The difference on this day? The kids were busy. They were entertained. We had fun together but they didn't need me all the time. In between trips to the wave pool and adrenaline rushes on the water slides I lounged and chatted with my sister while they went off and did their thing together. I enjoyed the time I spent with my kids because it wasn't every single moment.
I know for sure I am a better mom for working. I know 100% that my kids like me more and the feeling is definitely mutual.
What about you? Do you relish every moment with your kids or are you a better mom when you have some time away?
Love this post Jen. As a SAHM to 2 (quit my job almost exactly 8 years ago after a year on mat leave), I wholeheartedly agree it is EXHAUSTING. It is constant and never-ending. I love them to bits and am glad I've been home with them but they are ALWAYS there. Even when they're playing together, they're THERE. We have had a lot of togetherness. I like school time when they're away for a few hours at a time. Summer is harder. It's time for me to get a part-time job so we're not quite so joined at the hip.
I seriously bow to you. I was not my best self and can't imagine doing it every day!
Bwahahaha--- now you know why i am always so eager to meet you for drinks!!! LOL
It's nice to know though, that the choice you made long ago to go back to work was a good one--- right?
I do totally get the "escape for drinks" thing. And yes, my choice was definitely the right one for me and my kids!
My only come back is that if you are at home full time, you get a lot better at ignoring those issues and they make due themselves. I don't even respond to "I'm bored" anymore. Our mothers didn't jump in and neither do I. The working parents who come up north on weekends seem to fit two million things into 48 hours. The stay at home moms fit two million things into one week and let the kids amuse themselves for the rest.
I guess that is part of it, Marianne. I am unseasoned. So much got on my nerves that probably wouldn't have even registered with a seasoned stay-at-home mom. Thanks for your perspective!
Hi Jen - that's me in a nutshell for the last 6 days. I took my kids on a road trip to our favourite holiday place and just came back yesterday. Different to our trip to Canada last year when every day was jam packed with visitors, outings, etc. They constantly were AT me and fought, called each other names, whined, complained, ate, etc. AND all slept in the king size bed with me even though there was a perfectly good 2nd bedroom. As a consequence, I was short with them occasionally AND now my back hurts but I loved it nonetheless. And the best part? They're back to school TODAY. And the trip to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part2 of course. LOL. :))
i'm glad you wrote this! i know you know how hard it is but there's so many people out there that think i eat bonbons all day. the house is usually in disarray when dh gets home....what did you do all day? washed breakfast dishes...what did you do after? folded yesterday's laundry and got one kid from school...what did you do after? made lunch then washed more dishes...what then? had to entertain, then clean up after her craft...what then? snack...then wash dishes yet again...what then? got 2nd kid....blah blah blah...
notice....no bonbons! :-)
i'm sometimes jealous of working moms only because they can actually use the toilet in privacy!
Relish every moment? Um, no. Most of them are very, very good, though. I am definitely a better parent with some time away from my kids, but I couldn't handle being away from them for more than a few hours a day. (Most days, that is. Some days a month away from them sounds AWESOME!) Also? I live about 10 blocks from West Edmonton Mall. The water park has saved us more than once!
Oh, Jen! I so know it, sistah. What a great post.
I make no bones about the fact that staying at home is a terrible job a lot of the time. Seriously. That has nothing to do with how much I love my kids, or about how much I like them - I'm not bitter about it (much) but more time apart would be better... it IS exhausting! I know I won't exactly regret having spent this time at home with them while they're small, but holy crap! Sometimes the whole ordeal is enough to make a woman mental!!
But that's just me... ;)
Amen Sista!!! Thank goodness for that moment when I arrive at work and I can finally sit down and drink my steaming cup of coffee. I know I am a better mom because I work full time.
Marianne what a great thought about being able to handle it better - I think you're right. When I was younger all I wanted to be was a SAHM....to the point that I didn't dedicate myself at school - and my parents didn't push me. I regret that now. I know that I could never have the patience to be a SAHM. I bow to you women. I really do. Jen - your blog post is me. Although I will say - Will and I have been off for a week and a half together now - and I scheduled a couple mothers helper days and it's been a dream. A little break helps immensely. Kudos to you Jen for being so honest and vocalizing what many feel but won't say!
Oh wow this is soooo true Jen! I love being at home with my kiddies but holy cow there are days when I count down the minutes to bedtime! Some days I wish I had gone back to work just to get some adult conversation and escape the chaos. I am finding it really tiring now that the twins are becoming more like real people and needing constant stimulation and almost every day is a crazy whirl of wants, needs, and wants more! Thanks for a great and honest post!:)
This is the first summer I've worked in 4 years (simply based on pregnancy-related sick-leave and maternity leaves) and it is hard not being home with them.
Today was particularly difficult to leave them because Hubby is home this week.
Thanks for the reminder of why coming to work isn't so bad afterall!
Oh - and I'm ALWAYS up for drinks :)
My son is almost two and I have been back to work since he was 13 months old. I work from home full-time and I thought there might be a possibility I could do it while he was home with me. YEAH RIGHT.
He goes to a sitter's three days a week and to Gramma's the other two. When we have long weekends, boy am I ready for a work day! I don't think I'd be a very good full-time SAHM. I'm happier because I work, and our son has the benefit of being around other children on a regular basis because I do.
I can fully understand your list of things that go on. I have been a SAHM for 8 years. I have 4 kids and its constantly busy. Between changing diapers and fighting with an almost 18 year old, its enough to make your head spin. Would I change it? Probably not. I am very thankful that I am able to stay home with them. I give working moms all the credit in the world for being able to handle kids, a job, housework etc. There are many days I only get a fraction of what I would like to done. So, my house is cluttered, the laundry piles up but the kids are happy. Of course they are bored or they are fighting or the baby is crying for something. Its never ending. I have, for myself, made a decision that every Tuesday night is my night. My girlfriend and I do something each week on that night, from going to a movie to just hanging at her house. It gives me that one night of release to regroup and just be me. And that time is very refreshing and much needed.
I just stumbled across your story but I have to say I completely understand. I'm a full-time working mom because I needed to be in an environment that had stimulating adult interaction and where I felt I was best using my skills to support my family. I have the skills and education to be a large financial contributor to my family and I would have felt irresponsible to do otherwise. I too just came back from a 2 week vacation with my little man. I also didn't read the book I brought, had to share my bed, had to be the entertainment council and was just generally wiped out from the constant go, go, go. I couldn't wait to get back to work!
Being a working Mom is hard. We have the guilt of not being there 24/7 for our kids so we try to spend all our non-working time with them but still have to fit in all the meals, housekeeping, our own relationship with our significant other and then supposedly find time for ourselves. I'm usually last on the list because of that. So I occasionally take days off to myself. About once every 3-4 months I take a day off from work in the week, take my son to his dayhome and just have a day to myself to recharge. If I didn't do that I would be a crazy woman!!!
I have a very good friend who doesn't agree with my choices around doing this however. She told me that I'm pawning my son off and not being a good mother. I has ruined our friendship. Frankly I feel I would be a terrible mother for not taking that time! I come back from my 'day off' recharged, fun and full of energy again.
Being a working Mom requires some concessions. I'm not the clean-freak I was before...my floors haven't been mopped in 2 months!!! But I know that the choices I'm making are the right ones for me as an individual and ultimately the best for our family. Kudos to you for posting publicly what we all are thinking!!!
When I hear moms say that they are "not meant to be a 24/7 mother" or similar statements, a couple of questions always comes to mind. I'm not asking to be rude or offensive, I'm just genuinely curious. Feel free to tell me to mind own business!
Those questions are:
1. Why then did you decide to have children?
2. Hypothetically speaking, if you lived somewhere where there had been no one else to look after your children but you, would you still have chosen to have them?
Hmmm. I honestly don't know how to answer this question. I just always wanted to be a mother. I knew I would be a good mom. I think this might help you to better understand:
1) I didn't know before I had kids that I would want to work. I mean, it turns out I was looking forward to going back. My kids had such an amazing caregiver! She loved them so much. Being loved by lots of people is a great gift!
2) I love my kids and I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I think my kids think I am the best mom ever! As most kids do. I am very involved in their lives but am way better for them when I work. I get a lot out of working and I am thrilled that my kids see this in me. They are growing up (my son is nearly 12) and already have active social lives of their own so I am happy to have something aside from motherhood that is fulfilling. And I am glad they see that I can love them fully but still love myself.
3) There are lots of people and things in my life that I love but wouldn't want to be with or do all of the time. In fact, I don't think there is a single person in the world I would want to spend all of my time with. But I love the time I have with them!
As for your hypothetical question, it is impossible for me to say but I think that, yes, I would have. I always wanted to be a mom and I don't think I would feel fulfilled without that experience!
Re: full time moms
I don't think it's fair to say that if you aren't meant to be a 24 hr mom you shouldn't be one at all.
My family is from the Caribbean. My grandmother had ten children and you'd better believe she did not do it alone nor was she expected to. Children were raised by the community and with the support of extended family. No one sat at home and stared at their children all day. There were animals to be fed and rice to be picked etc.
Even my mother who raised me in a small city in Canada did not stay at home and watch me drool until it was time for college (I stopped drooling bf college but not a moment sooner than I had to). Some moms are at their best when they are present 24/7. My mom was a great mom when she was home and a great role model when she was at work.
My best friend's mother is a working actress who schlepped her all around the continent following film shoots and plays and whatever work she could get. My BFF is pretty damn well adjusted and I'm pretty psyched that both her mother and mine decided to deprive the world neither of their talents as mothers nor of their talents in other fields.
Plenty of ways to skin a cat and plenty of ways to raise healthy, well adjusted children.
I'm not at all saying that if you aren't meant to be a 24 hr mom you shouldn't be one at all. Just wondering what your reasons are for having kids if you feel that way. I understand people other than the parents are involved in bringing up children which is why I phrased my question as hypothetical.
I have to say I am a bit distressed that (I assume) a mom would question another mom's desire to have children in the first place if she works. No one questions dads when they work full time. Why do we have to make it harder on ourselves and each other by questioning the parenting choices of others? Parenting is fraught enough with difficult decisions, trying times and second-guessing without our fellow moms to question our "motherliness". I know lots of working moms and lots who stay home full time and some who do a bit of both. They are all doing their very best and they are all great.
My decision to be a mother is likely the same as yours...I wanted them, I believe that we have the ability to raise children, I love knowing that I'm raising a member of the future generation and I genuinely enjoy being a mother. I don't think that my intentions or abilities to raise my children is any different then a SAHM. I just choose to role model to my children that I can be a great mother as well as have a career. Because of my choices to work my kids have many more opportunities then those of their peers who were raised by SAHM. My son goes to a private school, we go on great family vacations where he can experience the world, we do exciting things together all the time. That is our experience here and certainly not the case always.
As for the second question I can only speak for myself. I waited till I had an established life before having children which means that if I had to I would hire a live in nanny. I framed my choices for this life around a framework that will make sure my children have care.
I know that having children is a personal decision and I appreciate that there are different ways that people chose to take that path. I don't think that anyone is doing anything wrong unless children are being neglected or mistreated.
Wanda I agree that there are lots of ways to be a great mom. And I think we need to remember that we all do our best to make the choices that are best for our families. The WOH/SAH discussion is challenging because it cuts so close to the bone about doing what is right for our own kids. It can be hard when we feel defensive not to use language that is loaded with judgement to describe our situation or opinions.
I'm a stay at home mom - I homeschool 4 kids actually. I wouldn't say your kids have more opportunities than mine - just different ones, based in part on our individual priorities and life circumstances. I think it is great that you can provide private school to your child(ren) through working. It's a great gift. As is my gift to my kids to provide their education at home. Or a SAH mom's gift to be able to volunteer for her kids class, and walk them home from school everyday where they can do interesting things together. One choice isn't inherently better than the other- only better for our individual situations and children.
I have just launched a business so I can WAH and still be with my kids. But even before that I chose to model for my kids that I can be a great mom and make a difference in the world - just like you. How we go about contributing to the wider world, meeting our needs and those of our children are not so different. We have more in common that we think.
Language matters - and I think if we could remember that, we might choose to use it carefully so we don't step on another's feelings while trying to justify our choices.
The question I would like to pose rather is whether anyone has the first clue how can we become more of a village of all kinds of mothers rather than continue the circular debate.
Even with great deliberation and absolute conviction at various points in my life, did I have to EAT MY WORDS.
For 10 years we were "sure" we were NEVER having kids. I was too yougn so doctors would not tie my tubes.
10 years later, I am at home with two girls after being in and out with my first born. Things changed with my second and I am not sure how I can stick it out at home longer but I take it day by day.
I am at home full time by choice but also not by choice.
That is the point I am trying to make. Life is nothing if not a series of changes and compromises.
Would I have liked to have returned to my consulting? YES.
Did my second child refuse any caregiver and daycare we tried? YES.
So I stayed home because I could, but at great personal and emotional sacrifice as well as great emotion and personal benefit.
It not about being a good mom or lesser mom. It's about finding some sanity and the best balance we can whichever circumstance we find ourselves in.
What's challenging and missing in the world has everthing to do with the need for a village to raise kids. Whether mom works in or out of the home would make no difference correlating wellness of society (and children) at large.
my 2 cents.
i.
What a smart lady you are, Idas...
Earlier I thought differently, thanks for an explanation. http://thatssocrystal.com