Once upon a time there was a little girl who couldn't say sorry. She was a wonderful little girl with an amazing imagination, a gift for athletics and a beaming smile and a joy for life her parents adored. She was a quirky little girl who many could not figure out and she was often misunderstood. But she never meant harm, her weakness was caused by a curse passed to her from generations before her, it lived as a dark feeling of insecurity deep within herself.
Many would never know that this little girl struggled. She was beautiful and bright and talented. But she did. Her parents could tell her a million times in a million different ways how much they loved and admired her but what she often heard was that she was not worthy. Her expectations were for perfection and nothing less.
At times, her parents tired of picking their battles, felt she should apologize or take responsibility for something she had said or done. Her older brother did this with little effort. He understood that sometimes it is important to back down and other times it is important to listen to your parents and show respect. But her brother's actions just enraged the little girl and made her more defensive and stubborn. She would dig her heels in and prepare for a fight.
Sometimes her stubborn Mommy or her frustrated Daddy would take her on. She was fierce in battle, never relenting, always getting the upper hand. Even when her Mommy walked away or threatened consequences she would hold strong.
And once the battle was nearing an end and both the girl and her Mommy or Daddy were wounded and tired she would breakdown and cry. In her last battle with her Mommy they held on tight to each other and her Mommy whispered into her ear, "I love you. Always. You are the best girl in the world. I am sorry."
But the girl didn't believe it. The girl was so sad and felt so terrible that through her tears she said to her Mommy, "I hate myself. Why am I like this?" and her Mommy said, "Why do you feel this way?" And the girl said back, "Because I should have just said sorry the first time. I don't want to be like this."
And now the Mommy is so sad too. She can't sleep. She feels terrible and is so worried about her little girl. Her girl is SO strong and SO amazing but the Mommy knows that not everyone will see this or take the time to look a little closer. The Mommy knows that the girl's stubborness and insecurity are going to get in her way but she doesn't know how to help her.
So, the Mommy is turning to you, wise readers of this blog and mothers of the internet, to help. Do you know of another little girl like this one? What can the Mommy do to help?
Many would never know that this little girl struggled. She was beautiful and bright and talented. But she did. Her parents could tell her a million times in a million different ways how much they loved and admired her but what she often heard was that she was not worthy. Her expectations were for perfection and nothing less.At times, her parents tired of picking their battles, felt she should apologize or take responsibility for something she had said or done. Her older brother did this with little effort. He understood that sometimes it is important to back down and other times it is important to listen to your parents and show respect. But her brother's actions just enraged the little girl and made her more defensive and stubborn. She would dig her heels in and prepare for a fight.
Sometimes her stubborn Mommy or her frustrated Daddy would take her on. She was fierce in battle, never relenting, always getting the upper hand. Even when her Mommy walked away or threatened consequences she would hold strong.
And once the battle was nearing an end and both the girl and her Mommy or Daddy were wounded and tired she would breakdown and cry. In her last battle with her Mommy they held on tight to each other and her Mommy whispered into her ear, "I love you. Always. You are the best girl in the world. I am sorry."
But the girl didn't believe it. The girl was so sad and felt so terrible that through her tears she said to her Mommy, "I hate myself. Why am I like this?" and her Mommy said, "Why do you feel this way?" And the girl said back, "Because I should have just said sorry the first time. I don't want to be like this."
And now the Mommy is so sad too. She can't sleep. She feels terrible and is so worried about her little girl. Her girl is SO strong and SO amazing but the Mommy knows that not everyone will see this or take the time to look a little closer. The Mommy knows that the girl's stubborness and insecurity are going to get in her way but she doesn't know how to help her.
So, the Mommy is turning to you, wise readers of this blog and mothers of the internet, to help. Do you know of another little girl like this one? What can the Mommy do to help?
This Mommy doesn't know what to do either. But she sends you hugs, back rubs and wine.
I see something like this in Sophie and don't know what to do either.
I'm guessing that this is something she (M) will have to figure out on her own, and the best you can do is what you have been doing. Love her unconditionally as you have been. I'm sure that, deep down, she knows you both love her no matter what. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you that would fix everything.
xoxo
I'm sorry, I have no wisdom to offer, either. I wish I did. My sister and I (12 years apart in age) were both incredibly willful children. We had spectacular battles with our mother, refused to admit defeat, and would never, ever apologize. As hard as it was on our mum, we did get through it. We're both happy, healthy adults. We've learned how to apologize, admit we're wrong, and ask for help. I'm careful to model those behaviours for my own kids, in hope that they won't have to go through what I did. I'm not sure what else anyone could do. I hope things get better for both of you, soon.
my daughter who is turning 8 is similar in few ways and I have been really struggling lately as well. However with her, there are a few issues that have come about and the main one being that she has a learning disability - this was just found out a month ago. She has a stubborn, willful attitude and gets upset over the smallest of things. She also takes almost everything I say completely out of context - if I say she looks pretty - she takes it as "i must look bad every other day" or "she's saying that because really I am ugly" she refuses to take blame for anything and blames everybody else. What I have been attempting to do is be very careful about what I say and how I say it. Depending on her age you could also use what are called social stories - they are used with autistic children - particularly those with aspergers but i find them useful for all my children. Maybe try a chart of some type that offers her rewards for things such as giving compliments, being polite, talking nicely to people saying you are sorry etc.. One thing we do in our house is have awards such as "Kindness award." "Best manners award" "Most helpful award." The awards are just simple pictures of different things with their name on it and hung on our special wall. These are given out each week. A different one could be "caught doing something nice to a sibling" these just random tokens that are given out - after a certain amount they can earn a movie whatever.
If this is really a major issue that is causing many problems on the home front than perhaps a therapist could help? If she is feeling insecure and unhappy about the way she handles things there must be an underlining reason why and so maybe talking to someone could help. I know this helped my older daughter who is a perfectionist and struggling in some areas.
Sorry this probably isn't much help at all but just thought I would throw some ideas out there.....parenting is never easy and each child is so different and unfortunately what works for one doesn't always work for the other but whatever works for our families is what works...good luck:)
No real answers, but I am wondering if an older child might act as a mentor to her in some ways. Maybe it is easier to be forgiven and understood by someone who loves her but is not her parent. One thing we have done with our children when dealing with anything we see as an emotional or mental health issue is to talk about it at times when we are not in the thick of it. My son, when he was around 6 or 7, would often have periods of sadness and we encouraged him to tell us "I feel sad and I don't know why." We always told him that was ok. We have been open about our own emotions, whether at times when they make good sense (eg a traumatic time when people would typically be sad) or when they seem not to make sense (when we feel anger or frustration but don't know why our response would be as extreme as it feels to us). So maybe some talking strategies for being able to say how she feels — because the fact that she says "I should have just said sorry the first time" means she is self-aware and she can physically feel when those dark periods are coming on her. Hugs.
i'm going to keep my eyes on this column. i don't know how to make them (make?) say sorry and mean it and not just toss it off like a sneeze. you are not the only mom worried about this, trust me.
Ack. I have no ideas here either... sending love and hugs. Hang in there, mama. xox
We struggle with a kid who thinks she needs to be right all the time, and will argue and make up stuff with her last dying breath to try and prove herself right rather than admit there are things she might not know or that she might have made a mistake. So yes. I get this, somewhat.
What to do? I talk about how people can't know everything and that everyone makes mistakes, but it seems to have little impact. I try to make a point of modelling backing down and admitting when I'm wrong. We use the word "mistaken" rather than wrong, which seems to help. But other than that... I wish I knew.
Jen what a hard and beautiful post. As someone who suffered from insecurity and unworthiness, despite having incredible parents and family who supported me, I can only say hang on and she'll find her way. But, I didn't have the not saying sorry issues - instead I apologized for everything and took things all on myself - always to blame. I see that emerging in Will - he apologizes for everything and I'm constantly reassuring him that he doesn't have to. I know that you suffered the insecurity as well - and look at you now. Maybe for some of us, we're just late bloomers (which doesn't help you at all now!). Hang in there momma.
Jen, this is such a heartwrenching post. My daughter has a problem of over thinking things at times and has asked "Why am I like this? Why can't I just stop thinking?" It's so hard to know our little ones feel that way.
When my kids (5 and7) apologize I have them say a full sentence ie: "I'm sorry for hitting you." instead of a quick "Sorry". Sometimes they don't really realize what they've done and I help them out by reminding them what they need to apologize for... My husband and I make a point of apologizing to our kids when we've done wrong, been grumpy etc. That way they see it as a natural thing to do.
When I was a kid my parents never apologized to me and it made me feel that saying sorry was a shameful thing to do. You already say sorry to your daughter so you are modelling that to her. I'd tell your daughter that we all make mistakes, but that she needs to "make things right" with the person and then encourage her to apologize with a full sentence.
I have offered choices to kids before. "Would you like to apologize to your friend or would you like to make him an apology card?" I thought my brother (8 or 9 at the time) would pick saying sorry because it's quicker, but he made an elaborate card that said sorry instead. I think for him it helped him save face a bit because he was embarrassed about speaking to the person. But, the apology was still made.
Another thing you could do is role play when things are going well. She can be the mom and you can be the girl and you can pick crazy scenarios where first you apologize for something and eventually she has turns apologizing for different scenarios. I did this with my daughter about saying "no" to temptation / bad ideas friends might suggest and she thought it was a lot of fun. (And yet the lesson is reinforced). You can also use stuffies or other toys to do the acting.
Your daughter sounds like she's doing some self-reflection. I think you'll be able to work through this with her... All the best...
Ladies, in my experience IT WILL GET BETTER, just as DesiValentine pointed out happened in her case and her sister's. My teenager is, bit by bit, outgrowing this behaviour. Jen, your daughter's self-awareness is an excellent sign, as is the truthfulness that exists between you. You can reassure her that it WILL get better and she will be able to say she's sorry right away - she will grow into it! You can encourage her to practice it, as Chelsey suggested. The closeness that the two of you have, and your ongoing communication, are the context within which this behaviour will play itself out as your daughter matures. Take heart!
I like Chelsey's idea of offering a choice - it reminds me of a situation a few years ago where my girls were playing with the three little girls who lived down the street. Shortly into the playdate my oldest daughter came running home sobbing and claiming everyone had ganged up on her. I had no idea what had gone down, so I just comforted her as best I could. Shortly afterwards, the doorbell rang and when I went to answer it there were four colourful construction paper cards on the mat. All three neighbours plus my younger daughter had made apology cards for my oldest. She brightened up right away: it didn't matter to her that they hadn't apologized face-to-face. And I suspect for them it was face-saving and less embarrassing to write the apology. Maybe try that? It also offers the child a chance to quietly reflect (and have time out of the conflict) while they make the card, rather than forcing a stand-off where two children are standing face-to-face and you are making one apologize verbally to the other.
I agree with other commenters...it is something that comes with maturity. As with all things, each child matures at a different pace.
And as the wisest of women used to say to us: this too shall change :)
very happy to read your blog.