This post was inspired in part by our Teacher, Cayla's, recent post: The Dos and Don'ts of How to be Involved in Your Child's School Life.
I have always been a working parent and, overall, my philosophy when it comes to my children is one of "let them figure it out." I think this builds confidence and makes them more capable of standing on their own two feet. And I see this happening already.
Because I work I have rarely had an opportunity to volunteer at the school. I do what I can and what feels right but I respect the fact that this is their space and I feel confident that most things can be dealt with by them or by the school if necessary. I would never be accused of being a Helicopter Parent.
However, starting last year one of my children needed me to be a bit more involved. She didn't realize this and, the truth is, I didn't recognize it until it was probably a little too late because my instinct was to let her sort it out herself. So now I know I need to be more tapped in with her teacher and we have some ground to make up. I am not too concerned about it in the long run, however, I am new at getting involved and I am feeling somewhat uncomfortable.
Up until now I have had no need to be in the school or to talk regularly with any of the teachers. But now that I do I am at a loss. How involved should I be? What should I expect from the school? When do I need to step in and when do I need to back down?
At what point do I go from my child's advocate to Helicopter Parent? I see now that there is a fine line between the two. I don't want to be overly involved as I want my children to feel confident in their abilities. But, I also don't want to leave them floundering, their actions misinterpreted and misunderstood. This is new territory for me.
I could never relate to other moms who were so on top of their kids' lives. But now I kind of get it. These are my babies and I know that no matter how a teacher feels about my child and how open they are to helping, they just don't feel the same way I do. They can't.
I love my child more than anything. And even more importantly, I also know my child and understand my child in a way very few others do. So, I think it is important for me to be involved to shed some light in order to put things in perspective. But this is a bit of a moving target and finding the balance is not easy. Schools are full of children who all have needs and there are rules and every child is unique so my child's needs can't be the only consideration.
So, what do I do? How do I remain respectful of the school while still advocating for my child? How do I bring value to the conversation and, ultimately, help my child without overstepping?
I have always been a working parent and, overall, my philosophy when it comes to my children is one of "let them figure it out." I think this builds confidence and makes them more capable of standing on their own two feet. And I see this happening already.
Because I work I have rarely had an opportunity to volunteer at the school. I do what I can and what feels right but I respect the fact that this is their space and I feel confident that most things can be dealt with by them or by the school if necessary. I would never be accused of being a Helicopter Parent.
But they are still my babies!
However, starting last year one of my children needed me to be a bit more involved. She didn't realize this and, the truth is, I didn't recognize it until it was probably a little too late because my instinct was to let her sort it out herself. So now I know I need to be more tapped in with her teacher and we have some ground to make up. I am not too concerned about it in the long run, however, I am new at getting involved and I am feeling somewhat uncomfortable.
Up until now I have had no need to be in the school or to talk regularly with any of the teachers. But now that I do I am at a loss. How involved should I be? What should I expect from the school? When do I need to step in and when do I need to back down?
At what point do I go from my child's advocate to Helicopter Parent? I see now that there is a fine line between the two. I don't want to be overly involved as I want my children to feel confident in their abilities. But, I also don't want to leave them floundering, their actions misinterpreted and misunderstood. This is new territory for me.
I could never relate to other moms who were so on top of their kids' lives. But now I kind of get it. These are my babies and I know that no matter how a teacher feels about my child and how open they are to helping, they just don't feel the same way I do. They can't.
I love my child more than anything. And even more importantly, I also know my child and understand my child in a way very few others do. So, I think it is important for me to be involved to shed some light in order to put things in perspective. But this is a bit of a moving target and finding the balance is not easy. Schools are full of children who all have needs and there are rules and every child is unique so my child's needs can't be the only consideration.
So, what do I do? How do I remain respectful of the school while still advocating for my child? How do I bring value to the conversation and, ultimately, help my child without overstepping?
Since I wrote the article that prompted this one, I think I can (hopefully) answer your questions.
1. Never, ever stop advocating for your child. I, too, had a similar experience with my son and, being afraid of being the teacher/parent who gets too involved, let things get out of hand. When I finally did step in, I stayed consistent and polite but yet still firm in what I wanted the school to do. I made sure that what I wanted to see happen was specific, measurable, and was based on fact, rather than emotion. I do have the benefit of knowing "how things work" in public schools, and that helped a lot. If you don't know, ask a friend who is a teacher and they can help you clarify what to say, who to say it to, and what is reasonable to ask for.
2. If and when you and school put a plan in place, give it a bit of time to kick in. How much time will depend on the situation.
3. When speaking to a teacher about solving a problems, think of the acronym S.M.A.R.T (this is something we do with our students when coming up with learning goals) when communicating with the teacher/principal.
S- specific: is my problem/concern specific? or what are some specific examples?
M-measureable. How can I measure whether we have solved this problem?
A-agreed upon: What strategies/solutions can we agree upon?
R- reaslistic: is the outcome I would like to see realistic. This one is a hard one. You may really, really want something for your child and may have to accept that it might not happen. For example, I have come to terms that it is not realistic to expect that my son's printing will ever improve because of his fine motor skills. Instead, I have a new realisitic goal of him learning to use his computer instead.
T-timely. Can we set some checkpoints to see if our problem can be solved in a timely manner. This part of SMART is really key. If you and the teacher decide that you are going to give it one month to see if there is an improvement, you have to accept that you have to back off until that month is up, unless...
Wow, Cayla. I need to spend some time reading your comment and taking it in. Thanks so much for taking the time.
Cayla's advice above is good. It's hard to go beyond that without knowing the story.
For example, I think schools have a hard time with social issues between children. There are many reasons for this including lack of time, children socialize a lot out of school and issues stay with them at school, teachers don't see and hear even half of what's going on (kids are really, really good at staying under the radar). My point is, a plan worked out with the school may not be enough if that's the issue.
Wow, Jen. I'm not involved in my son's school-stuff much either, but more because of the language issue. I don't volunteer... but, if it were an English school, I still probably wouldn't - it's not really my thing. Still, getting involved when there's a problem? Yeesh... the rough start we had in the early days seems to have sorted itself out (thankfully) but I wonder as he gets older if there will be issues... and they ARE our babies, ones we know better than any other person because we are their mothers... I'm not a helicopter parent either - I understand your reluctance, and your discomfort. It's all... so... ack. ACK!
Sounds like Cayla has some really great tips and ideas though! Yay Cayla!!
Jen
I've had years of experience -- less as a helicopter parent and more as a flying battleaxe. (I'm only half kidding.) The need for advocacy was real and ongoing.
That being said, here are a couple of suggestions.
1. Don't assume the teacher or school officials are going to see, recognize, understand or respond the way you expect -- without knowing what needs to happen. You really do have to be assertive and clear about any potential issues and expectations.
2. Be polite, collaborative and persistent. If you're clear and creative in proposing solutions and alternatives when something isn't working, it's easier then to be hands off and let things play out. The idea is to create/facilitate a structure for success so you don't have to hover.
Trust your instincts, you will know if you go to far, and will learn for the next time. Don't ever be worried that some might think you are hovering......if you think you are hovering, that is when to back off!!
Pam: flying battleaxe...love it!
But seriously Jen, I don't think anyone should apologize for advocating on behalf of their child. As long as you approach it in a spirit of collaboration and joint-problem-solving, it will all work out. Maybe not super-fast, but it WILL work out.
And OMG, I forgot how tiny she was as a newborn!