Can you relate?
I have been sitting here for days staring at this screen looking for something profound to write about. A Holiday tip or recipe that will ease your stress and bring you back to the spirit of the season? A wise and wonderful reflection on the horrors of last week and how we can restore the humanity we have so obviously abandoned somewhere along the line? A commentary on my renewed out of control eating and my pending New Years weight loss plans?
But none of it is forthcoming no matter how hard I try.
My brain is in a constant state of motion these days, racing from one thought all the way across the spectrum to something completely different. There is so much going on. How can I possibly focus and write about just one thing? I can't.
So I'm not going to try. Instead, I am going to tell you what has been on my mind and I am hoping that putting it out there will help me sort through it. Here goes:
1. The Sandy Hook tragedy should force us to ask ourselves as a society some serious questions and not just about gun control (although that would be top of the list). We need to consider why a young man thinks killing innocent people is desirable (not to mention himself and his mother). What are we doing wrong as a society to contribute to this sick fantasy and how can we change it?
2. What do I want the Holidays to be about for me and my family? I love Christmas but I am wondering. I don't want to lose the spirit but where do I draw the line and still maintain the magic? I recently visited a public housing community to donate much needed supplies for the holidays and I felt that my family may be missing the point of the season. Should I try what my friend, Heather, at Globetrottingmama.com is doing and give up gift giving all together in exchange for family time and giving back? What is the right balance for me and my family?
3. What am I going to do about my out of control eating? I thought these days and ways of coping were long gone?
4. How do I protect my children without creating fear? I don't want my children to think that the world is a scary place. I want them to confidently go out and live their lives to the fullest, take risks and live large. But...the world can be scary.
5. How do I raise a teen? My eldest, my son, was not yet 10 when my mom died 3 years ago. I harassed my mom for every single bit of parenting know how I could think of at the time. Unfortunately, I have begun to realize that I am running out of motherly advice from her just when I seem to need it most. Just when things are really changing and I could use her calm and wise words.
These are a few of the things on my mind. Can you relate? Any words of wisdom?
Fantastic post, Jen.
Like you, my mind is racing all over the map and I find myself losing the important themes because I'm so focused on not forgetting the details. I can relate to all your points - particularly the last one. In the years since Mom died I've been able to ask myself, "what would Mom say?" in relation to parenting questions, and the answer would float to my consciousness, perfectly formed in her own words and voice. Now, when all I need to know is, "was I like that at twelve?" I find that I can't hear her voice anymore.
So much sadness and loss this holiday season, and we won't be there to go tobogganing with our cousins to help find some joy amidst it all. But just seeing that picture of you careening down the hill brought a smile to my face and these days, I guess that's no small thing.
Love xxoo
We will miss you guys SO much this year, Kath. I know you get it. xo
Oh, that all sounds very overwhelming, for sure. Earlier this week I was struggling with the same, feeling weighed down by all the big thoughts and questions that are all so heavy. It's hard, this being a mom/career woman/wife/friend/entrepreneur balance. I am just kind of waving the white flag about Christmas and trusting that the fact that we're all together and I am trying not to overthink it.
As far as the overeating goes, that's a struggle I am all too familiar with. It's hard when eating becomes the thing that helps you de-stress. Have you ever read anything by Geneen Roth? So many of her books spoke truth into my life when I was really struggling with my eating habits.
I wish you well, Jen. 2012 has been packed so full for you and I hope the year ahead is filled with the time to sit back a bit and enjoy the fruits of your labour. :)
It has been a whirlwind of a year, Amanda, for sure and that has been both wonderful and stressful. I am going to take your advice and trust that it is all going to be exactly as it should be. Maybe this is the lesson after all? This is how I will find that perfect balance?
Looking up Geneen Roth right now...
Thanks for your continued support and humour, Amanda. You, girl, are The Bomb.
Bah humbug!! It is so hard at this time of year and all too easy to look around and assume everyone has it good and has baked the perfect cookies, etc, etc. Blah, blah. This year marks the ninth anniversary since we buried my mom on Christmas Eve. That is what I call the real "Nightmare Before Christmas!" It has changed the season ever since, but we trudge on for the kids and find joy, new joy, and remember what we loved about it in the first place.
Re:#1- My heart is still stuck in my throat. I can't even speak about that
Re#2- I am never able to find balance there. We donate, we go to the Food Bank, but still the "gimmes" seem to rule the roost. I like Globetrotting's idea...
Re #3 - Bah humbug. Hate that problem. I am always on the go, run, run, run as you know, but when I am not training I can't eat as much and the pounds come back on super fast. Lately though I have been really loving yoga. I know it sounds all "granola", but I have noticed that the phrase "be mindful" comes up a lot in my class. About how we respect each other in the room, leaving quietly, being mindful of other humans. I am trying to apply that to family, friends, and to FOOD. Mindful eating. So even if it is junk I am going to indulge in, I will be "mindful" and make sure it is good. Also, I never feel like pigging out after yoga like I do after a long run! Of course an hour alone in your head, just stretching or simply breathing can't be all bad for the stress balls you have growing!!
Re #4-- Bubble Wrap. Duct Tape. Realistically, education is the greatest tool and mode of defence we can give a child.
Re#5-- I can so relate!! I still hear my mom and dad's voices when I mess up or when I need advice, but not so much for the teen years. I try to remember how my mom dealt with my older siblings...not much help there. But here's the thing.... You are enough. You are doing enough. You are MORE THAN enough. You have everything you need to parent your teen. From what I can gather, your mom taught you about love, and how to love, and how to receive love. If you give your teen that, then her reach has extended to the teen parenting years and well beyond.
Happy Holidays!
You know what I love about this, Annabelle? You are such an important friend to me and I don't know that we have ever exchanged more than a few words in person. It reminds me how important this place is :)
We are sisters in so many ways. xo
Hugs Jen. I don't have any advice at all but I'm sending love from our family to yours. If we're very lucky, maybe we'll see each other. xoxo
Thank you, Erhead. Let me know when you are around. I would love to see your gang! xoxo
Jen, you've created such a welcoming place. I feel the same and I am more than honoured to be your "sister" here. I hope you know that about yourself and about Urbanmoms.
i'd like to comment on your question how to protect without creating fear since, i'm sure, we've all tried to figure that one out.
knowledge is a great antidote to fear. we know what happened was awful but we also know that there is a very slim chance of that happening again (as i knock on wood). some people are afraid of flying but we KNOW that you have a much greater chance of dying in a car crash.
i'm trying to (age appropriately) tell my girls about everything that is going on...we had a great discussion about malala yousafzai and how she and her friends got shot because all she wanted to do was learn as a girl. we determined that grown men were afraid of young girls who could think because knowledge is such a big power. we almost expect something like that to happen in afghanistan because it seems so common there but it is still as wrong as north american children.
"our" children died because (in my opinion only) it's easier to get a gun than it is to get help in the states. overseas, violence is used as oppression. but through it all we are seeing light...the love coming out of conneticut, the uproar over malala's shooting....the light (the KNOWLEDGE) is getting stronger and brighter and the bad in the world will start to shrivel under that.
anyway, aside from all of that, just remember to LOVE YOURSELF! we all have our faults but they make us who we are and what makes the people close to us love us. if we were all perfect we'd be a very boring bunch. what other people think is none of your business :-) you need to matter to yourself and the rest will sort itself :-)
hugs to you this holiday!
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I was speaking to a friend last night who has cancer this year for Christmas, forcing her to live with her grown daughter during treatment and not in her happy place up north where she had a good life with good work she cannnot do now, is no longer in the relationship she was in last year and has had the tablecloth of her life pulled out from underneath her. We were both agreeing that as adults Christmas is MANY many things- not all of them are magical and joyful. We think about loss, sadness, loneliness and what is missing from the world and our own lives at this time more than ever.
All of your points are I think very universal. You are not alone. Life is just so hard at times Jen. BUt your ability to tell it like it is and be open to truth is your gift. And we all love you for it!
I could so relate to #5 as I find myself trying to eat up all of my mom's wisdom while she is here and healthy. You likely have everything you need for your big boy but you are missing your mamma so.
I am going to try to stop by, neighbour, and give you a Xmas squeeze. xoxoxo
Oh Jen - I can relate in so many ways. Sandy Hook is just - there aren't words - I still just can't take it. I saw Lincoln last night and I can only hope that Obama can end the gun violence the way that Lincoln ended slavery. That just kept playing in my mind.
As so far as the parental advice - I'll tell you what my mom said... she said that she had already taught me everything I needed to know. And that was before I had babies...before Will was even thought of. Now when I'm feeling panicked, I take comfort that she believed in me and knew I knew what to do. Your mom was the same Jen - you already know...you do. Just breathe deeply and relax your shoulders..and she's there. I know it.
x
Jen, I feel it too. All of it. I've been avoiding as much coverage about Sandy Hook as was possible... my head and my heart are broken. It's just unfathomable. And yes, it's about both gun control and more support for those with mental illnesses. It's a spin cycle set on "craptastic".
As for the holidays, I'm just trying to do less of everything this year. Besides the fact that I can barely muster the Christmas Spirit this year, I think we're all getting further and further away from the point of the holiday... and so many have so little... it feels very unbalanced. I don't like the unsettled feeling.
And I can imagine how much you're missing your mum - especially around the holidays - but you are a good, wise, strong woman... you've got this Mutherhood thing down pat, girl. Your kids are stellar - their mum's got the good, that's why. Trust yourself. You've GOT this!! xox
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