I started to write a post about something else but every time I put my fingers to the keyboard all I could think about was this post I read through a Facebook update:
I clicked on the links. I watched the videos. I felt sick that a girl went to a party and drank too much, like most of us have done at some point, and ended up the victim of a heinous sexual assault and then, shockingly, became the butt of everyone's joke. They nicknamed her "the dead girl" like somehow this made treating her like scum hilarious instead of so hideous it made me cringe. How did this happen?
I was aghast that these teenage boys, these "good" boys, the school Stars, were so cocky, obviously knowing that their actions would not be challenged by their friends. That they were invincible and untouchable within their peer group is clear. They dragged this girl from party to party unconscious and assaulted her multiple times in front of others. How do we live in a world where this can happen? Where none of the other kids challenged them? Where no one called the police or, even, called their parents? How do we live in a world where a group of boys think treating another human being like this is not only OK but fun and entertaining and cool?
I posted a link on Facebook to an article about the trial and someone asked, "How on earth can this happen?" Another responded, "So many things -- objectification of women, commodification of sex... there are so many reasons. But we seem to always want to find "reasons" for bad behavior. And reasons seem to be more and more like excuses. How about just knowing what is right and what is wrong? And then having the moral conviction to stand up for what's right?"
Yes! As a woman, as a mother of a daughter and of a son, yes. We need to help our children not only understand what is wrong because it is against the law but also help them see and know what is wrong because it is wrong. We need them to understand that one's actions and how you treat others reflect who you are and that blaming a victim is cowardly.
Our children need to know that standing up to save someone is admirable and not doing so is shameful. We need to raise our children to understand that covering for a friend when a friend has done something horrible makes them as guilty and their actions as vile but that stepping in to stop a friend from doing something terrible or turning them in when they do it is heroic and NOT the opposite. That friends who victimize someone who is helpless should pay for their actions and that exploiting another person's vulnerability is one of the most horrendous crimes of all.
But you see, at the core of what I am feeling is sadness. A deep sadness because what struck me most about this story was that there was a familiarity in these characters. As I read about these boys I felt a growing sense of panic because their sense of entitlement rung true. I have known guys like this and I see some boys my son's age or I hear about them and the attitude and arrogance is no different from what I saw in the video or heard about in the accounts of what happened. These boys are gifted athletes, they are risk takers, they are on top of the world and their parents believe it too. They are The Stars, The Future, The Best of The Best and they know it.
They are untouchable.
For the most part these boys grow up to be successful adult men. Some remain arrogant and others grow out of it. But what I see in this story, what I truly fear the most, is that, under different circumstances, these boys may do the same thing that happened in Steubenville and feel the same way about it.
Because what I know is that the issue here is not unique to Steubenville. This issue is pervasive. We are putting these teenage boys on pedestals and hero worshipping and allowing this skewed image to alter how society views them and, ultimately, how they view themselves. This is a societal issue that needs to be addressed by every mother and father and coach and teacher in order for it to change.
I spoke to my son about this tonight, will you?
Fabulous post Jen,
My thoughts exactly, I spoke to my son (just turned 17 in February) several times about this and I was quite specific. We had a long conversation, because, we also know many of these 'entitled' young men and it was quite scary how they actually resembled these boys.
I hope that we as a society, we can turn the corner and do the right thing and come together and stop all of this insanity. We should feel safe with 'friends' period.
My son is only nine years old, but just the other day, we had a short conversation about what "abetting" means, and how important it is to speak up - how silence can make a person guilty of a crime, even if it wasn't committed by one's own hands.
When he learns more about what sex is, I will make sure he understands that under no circumstances is it okay to behave like these boys did. And that he needs to do the right thing, if faced with knowledge about such horrific offences.
I really can't get over this story... :(
Jen you really summed up it all up so well. I actually was so busy being outraged at the CNN coverage that I forgot how enraged this case got me when it was up awhile ago. Great point about talking to our kids about abetting. So many notes for me to take for when Will is older.
All of this, so perfectly summed up. It's making me so angry and so sad at the multiple failures and the attitudes and the dehumanizing and the lack of empathy, and the oh god, the everything.
At my son's current age, the discussion is about respecting what other people want for their bodies. Not touching or pushing or hitting, listening if someone asks you to stop something. Understanding that everyone has the right to dictate how their body gets treated.
My daughter is about the right age for the talk about standing up to friends and speaking up if something is wrong, and we'll be starting to have that talk.
I think it starts way before the sexual nature of this crime is even part of their thought process - it starts with respecting other people as equal humans with thoughts and feelings just like yours.
You guys should read this post by Henry Rollins: http://www.underthegunreview.net/2013/03/18/henry-rollins-comments-on-steubenville-rape-verdict/
"It is obvious that the two offenders saw the victim as some one that could be treated as a thing. This is not about sex, it is about power and control. I guess that is what I am getting at. Sex was probably not the hardest thing for the two to get, so that wasn’t the objective. When you hear the jokes being made during the crime, it is the purest contempt."
Yeah, I read that this morning. He's a pretty intense kind of guy, but I like the way his mind works. #goodguys
God, I know, this whole situation sickens me. As the parent of two girls I try to tread that fine line between teaching them to respect themselves and be safe, and yet I want them to be able to celebrate their sexuality (when they grow up a little bit more, mind you), too. So does that mean you can't dress in a sexy outfit or that you can't make mistakes like drinking too much at a party just because you're a girl? It shouldn't...but I guess that in reality it still does.
It's just so horrible.
Also: "Our children need to know that standing up to save someone is admirable and not doing so is shameful."
The best line in your whole post and quite possibly the best commentary I've read on this story to date.
Great post Jen. It is indeed a sad statement on current society that no one thought to stop these boys. As the mother of a boy, I think it's a criticial discussion to have. We need to teach all kids - as you so rightly say - that stopping an act like this is a HEROIC thing. It is also something we would EXPECT them to do.
I also read an interesting blog which discussed the whole notion of "imagine if this victim was your wife, daughter, sister" that's been bantered around during this case. For anyone with daughters, it's a very good read. Explains what is wrong with the "imagine if" theory.
http://bellejarblog.wordpress.com/2013/03/18/i-am-not-your-wife-sister-or-daughter/
You know, I read that piece too... but I didn't feel it the same way. I don't think pausing to be empathetic - to put yourself or someone close to you in the other person's shoes - is saying "only when a woman is loved by a man is she of value". I don't think the "imagine if" part says that at all. Or certainly not to me.
If we were talking about problems in healthcare for senior citizens, then perhaps it feels like a blanket issue for all kinds of "old people" and anyone who doesn't fit into the group cares less. But, the minute you say, "imagine if this was your grandmother... or your mother..." then it takes on a more possessive kind of meaning, and suddenly, you want to do more to help. It draws on people's sense of empathy to personalise a situation. I don't think that's a bad thing at all.