Sometimes Holland Feels Like Hell

FotoFriday - Fancy Footwear

2013-05-31T14:55:51Z

She had been coveting a specific pair of shoes for a long time. I refused to buy them. I like my kids in comfortable, functional shoes.
On Tuesday she had another laser treatment and for the first time - she didn't cry.
I was so proud of her. I made the decision to buy the damn shoes.

She's been in love ever since

Fourteen

2013-05-29T15:45:35Z

Fourteen years ago vows were spoken.
Fourteen years ago rings were exchanged.
Fourteen years ago we were just a couple of kids trying to figure out how to be adults.

We've gone from this:

to this:

Yesterday we drove the familiar drive down to Sick Kids for Eva's laser treatment. On the way there I realized that today was our anniversary. I often think back to that time in our lives when we had no idea what lay ahead. No idea that we'd be forced into becoming experts in autism and hemangiomas. We were young and naive and life was easy.

I told Sean on the drive down that I like him way more now than I did back then. Not that I liked him less, but I respect him on a much deeper level for how hard he works to provide for us. I like the man he has become. I had no idea that he would become such a great dad or supportive husband.
I suppose maybe on some level I did, otherwise why marry the guy, right?

So here we are. Fourteen years later. Sometimes we've been battered by life. Sometimes we slay it. We go through it together and come out stronger because of all of those peaks and valleys we travel.

Happy Anniversary babe.
Here's to fourteen more
and fourteen more after that
and fourteen more after that
and fourteen more after that...

Life's a pitch

2013-05-27T15:30:37Z

Several months ago Cuyler announced that he was going to play soccer this summer.
I told him that would be fun, thinking he would move off of that idea after a few days. He's not a sporty kid. Nor is he much of a team player - he's more of a solitary guy. In fact, he's never played a sport - team or otherwise.
The closer we got to warmer weather the more he talked about soccer.
"Mom. I promise I won't touch the ball with my hands. Only my feet. Can I play soccer?"
Sean, being a huge Liverpool supporter, was thrilled.

Soccer registration day came and went. I realized I needed to act because he was determined to play soccer this summer. I made a phone call to the admin explaining the situation: my son with autism has never played soccer and would like to play this year.

The admin assured me that they would put him with a coach who had experience with and would be comfortable coaching a child on the spectrum.
That's all I needed to hear. I registered all 3 kids for outdoor soccer and patiently waited for an email from the experienced coach who would be comfortable coaching my child on the spectrum.
The email came about 3 weeks ago and Cuyler's coach had no clue about his autism until I asked him if he had any questions about his autism. He has no experience with kids on the spectrum. That was a little awkward for both of us. As he fumbled for words, I could tell he was doing his best not to offend me with questions - I told him to please just ask without filtering himself. Nothing he asks would offend me. No question is a dumb question when you are just trying to get information.
I offered to let the other parents know and he seemed completely relieved about that.
At our first practice I informed all of the parent that # 2 on our team was a very enthusiastic first time soccer player who happens to have autism. I asked them for their support in making this year successful for Cuyler and to please ask me if they have any questions about Cuyler or the disorder or if their children had any questions. I told them that I prefer to disclose his autism out of fairness to him, his coach, his teammates and the other parents. I told them that the more time they spend with Cuyler, the more characteristics of the autism they will see BUT that they will also see his many capabilities as the season progresses.

Opening day was this past Saturday. They each had their first game.
Cam played keeper.
Eva scored her first goal.
And Cuyler made a few really nice plays in between waving at everyone in the crowd. So we gotta work on his focus...

Wednesdays will be fun this summer with 2 parents needing to be at 3 different fields but I am beyond thrilled that Cuyler is part of a team. I feel really good about it.

We got this shot of the boys in their jerseys (it is pure coincidence that they are both white and both #2)

it reminded Sean and I of one of our favourite photo's of the boys

Little brother, you'll never walk alone...

FotoFriday - Farewell Fangs

2013-05-24T15:15:39Z

This is yet another post about loose teeth and my total aversion to them and how seeing them makes me feel barfy and gross.
This time it's not one of the kids.

It's the freakin dog.

He spent most of yesterday with that tooth hanging out the side of his mouth. Blech...

On the bright side, those pin sharp puppy canines are falling out. I'm hoping that this is the beginning of the end of his chewing phase.

Do you go all the way?

2013-05-20T19:00:10Z

Or just halfway?

I had put it off most of the weekend. Trying on my shorts, that is.

It was a hot weekend and I always hate this weekend. The start of shorts season.
It's come much later this year but I knew I had to bite the bullet and put some shorts on.

But before I could, there was one order of business that needed to be taken care of.
I had to shave my legs.

I really admire my friend, Amy. She shaves her legs every single day. Every single day of the year. I admire her commitment to her great legs - loofah-ing and shaving and moisturizing every single day. She shakes her head at me in disbelief when we talk about it.
I'm not afraid to admit on this fairly large platform that I do not shave my legs every day. In fact, I don't shave them very often throughout the winter.
I hope you don't think less of me because of that. But really, I *hate* how it feels in the winter after I shave my legs. It's an odd sensory thing but the feeling of shaved, moisturized legs in the winter is disturbing to me. Especially if I'm wearing jeans.

This morning I lathered up my puff, scrubbed my skin and started the ritual of gliding the razor up my leg, stopping just above my kneecap.
Ever since I started shaving my legs I have been torn as to whether of not to shave my full leg of just half. Ever since I started shaving I have only shaved half. When I get to the knee - I stop. It was what my mum taught me.
I think if I start going all the way up I'll have to go all the way forever. It's an added commitment to a hygiene practice that I already find to be a pain in the ass. I lasered off my underarm hair and bikini line. I'd love to be able get my legs done next.

My thighs aren't particularly hairy. It's very fine hair and not noticeable that I don't shave it, but I always wonder why some women go all the way and some only half way.

How far do you go and why?

FotoFriday - Perfect Playground

2013-05-17T19:30:23Z

This is my "office"

This is where I commute 7 minutes to everyday.

I could stand out here all day taking in the crabapple blooms and the lavender fragrance.
It's very soul soothing.

Wiggled Out

2013-05-15T15:38:51Z

I wrote this post almost 2 years ago about me taking Cuyler to see The Wiggles.
I was thrilled that I was able to take him and and that he enjoyed as much as he did. It was a great day.

The thing with Cuyler (and many kids on the spectrum) is that he can get "stuck" on things.

First it was The Wiggles:

Then it was Thomas the Tank Engine:

Then...it was back to The Wiggles:

Last year seemed to be a turning point. He was very interested in movies. He and Sean would go see every new release that came out that was family rated.
Cuyler would find YouTube clips of the movies and search for his favourite scenes. He would research all the actors in each movie.

His interests seemed expanded and much more age appropriate. It was a relief to get out of the preschool zone and I felt like he was maturing.

Then......then...

I came into the family room last week and he was watching The Wiggles on Treehouse.
My first thought was "Who the heck had Treehouse on??" (we've evolved to Disney Jr, Disney XD, a few YTV shows...rarely Treehouse these day).
A little while after that I heard an old familiar Wiggles tune coming from the laptop.
I've found him drawing pictures of Wiggles dvd cases he used to have and he's been videotaping himself scripting scenes.

I feel like he's going backward and reverting to this much younger interest.
I just wonder if it's because The Wiggles are so familiar to him and if this will just be a short lived obsession. God I hope it is.
As much as I actually enjoyed The Wiggles (yes. I actually did), I'm totally over them now.

I'm really hoping that the upcoming release of Epic will snap him out of it because I can't take another round of Wiggles.

FotoFriday - SandHands

2013-05-10T21:45:13Z

I spend my days with toddlers. My days are often messy and loud and sometimes a little stinky and exhausting. And I like it.
I found this on my lap the other day at work

and it made me miss the tiny hand prints that used to smudge my windows and furniture.
I still have hand and fingerprints everywhere, but the hands that leave them are bigger and the fingers are less chubby.
Which makes them...less cute.
But I'll still miss them when they aren't there anymore.

FotoFriday - signs of summer

2013-05-04T03:30:55Z

The smell of sunscreen, fresh cut grass and back yard barbecues.

The first soccer practice of the season.

and this song playing in my head all day...

Summer's comin!

Enough

2013-05-02T03:45:59Z

Every single day I wonder:

"Have I done enough for him?"

"Am I doing enough for him?"

"Did I do enough today?"

"Do we have enough money for this?

"Is my effort and energy enough?"

And every single day I think the answer is no.
I know that I can only do what I can do but I always go to bed thinking that I could have done more.

I was given some sound advice from a fellow ASD parent last night. He suggested that when I feel that way - just try to do better tomorrow.

Guilt is a common emotion that wracks parents who are raising children with autism.
I know that myself, I read about and see what others are doing for their kids. The therapies and remedial programs they are involved with. The professionals they see.
Why didn't I think of that?
I should have done that when he was first diagnosed.
I wonder if he could benefit from that?
That sounds like something he could really use.

I wish I could afford that.

I wish money was no object. People say money can't buy happiness. True, but it can pay for private therapy and the supplements that aren't covered. It can pay off our line of credit that we've used to help our son.
I don't dream about a Hawaiian vacation or a cruise with my husband or a family trip to Disney.
My daydreams are about all the things I could do for him if money were no object.
The never ending help I could buy my kid. The programs I could put him in. The professional home schooling I could provide for him.

I have 2 other children and it carries over to them:

Did I do enough for them today?

Did I pay enough attention to them?

Did I show enough patience

Did they feel enough love from me?

I wish I could cut myself some slack. I think it's a general maternal thing, but much more profound while raising a child with special needs.

We are just coming out of a rough couple of weeks with Cuyler.
It is when we are in those valleys that I always question whether or not we're doing enough. Always looking for the reason why we are in the funk.
We are coming out of the funk so that tells me that we are doing something right.
We're doing enough. We did enough for today.
Tomorrow I will try to do better.

(I couldn't find a pic to attach to this entry so you get to see my CuyCollage. He's gorgeous and I can't get enough of his face. Those eyes. Those lips. That dimple.)

FotoFriday - Finally

2013-04-26T22:30:02Z

It finally felt like a real spring day.
It was a P.D.Day and the perfect day for a juice stand.
They made $5.60 each.

Welcome, Spring. We've been waiting for you.

Just say no. Because I'll pay you.

2013-04-25T14:01:24Z

Cam came home from school last week and asked me the following question:

"When I turn 18, how much will you pay me if I don't do drugs or alcohol?"

My response was a swift "I will pay you nothing. That's the dumbest thing I've heard. You want me to pay you for not doing stuff your NOT supposed to do?"

He went on to tell me that the D.A.R.E. officer at his school suggested that the kids make that deal with their parents.
I'm not sure whether to complain to the school or just deal with the issue by sticking to my initial response. It's a bad idea.
It's just a bad message in general.
I can't believe that a hired professional would even consider teaching them that a good reason to not do drugs or alcohol is a monetary payoff from their parents.
How about don't do drugs because it's illegal?
How about don't do drugs because they can harm you?
How about don't do drugs because they can harm others?
How about don't do drug because they can ruin your life?

How about the D.A.R.E. officer help me reinforce the importance of making good decisions??
This is not want I want or need in my village.

And let's be honest. Really honest. Do I think he'll make it to 18 without having a few alcoholic beverages? I doubt it.
Will he drink and us not know about it? ~~Maybe~~ Probably.
I was a teenager. I made bad decisions. He will make bad decisions and every bad decision will turn into a lesson.
I could never be 100% sure that he will stay drug and alcohol free so why would I make that deal?

Am I missing something? Is there any good reason to paying him off if he "stays clean til eighteen"?
Then what? At 18 he can go get drunk and high (with the money I pay him)?
And why 18? Nineteen is the legal drinking age...
I'm pretty open minded so if there is something I'm missing to this please enlighten me.

My initial reaction may be a bit knee-jerk (they often are) but I just can't get over my annoyance that this is what I'm raising my kids in.
When I was growing up we did (or didn't do) things because there were consequences. We knew right from wrong and we knew that the wrong held consequences.
Now there just seems to be rewards. What is this teaching them?

Good to the last drop

2013-04-22T13:00:00Z

I'm not talking coffee!

How many of you have enough cleaning product left at the bottom of the bottle that it feels like a waste to dump out but there is not enough to bring up through the trigger?
If you're like me, you splash a dash of water into the bottle so the trigger can pull the cleaner up the tube and you are now cleaning with diluted product.
Not anymore! No more transferring, tilting or any other crazy maneuvers to get the last drop of cleaning goodness.
Clorox has recently introduced an exclusive new technology - SMART TUBE® TECHNOLOGY - with which you will use every drop of cleaning product in your bottle. It's all about getting the FULL value of what you bought.

I received a sample of Clorox All Purpose Cleaner in this innovative new bottle, along with an empty bottle with the new smart technology and a small bottle that held "the last drop"

I decided that I would put it to the test in the room I thought could use the deepest clean -- the kids bathroom. The three of them share a bathroom and there is usually a fair amount of toothpaste smeared on the counter top and left in the sink. The toilet? Well, I have 2 boys...so there's that. Then there's the tub.
It certainly served as an All Purpose Cleaner in that room.
Beyond getting the bathroom sparkling clean, I was really impressed with the new technology in the bottle. It literally allowed me to spray every drop.
Here is a breakdown of how the technology works:

Just in time for spring cleaning you can click here for a link to coupons and test this fantastic technology out yourself!

Clorox is also offering one of our own UrbanMoms members a chance to win a Clorox Spring Cleaning prize pack, featuring a selection of the latest product innovations from Clorox including its new SMART TUBE® Technology bottles. For a chance to win just comment below and tell me what your least favourite spring cleaning job is!

Valued at approximately $200, the prize pack has everything you need to give your home a spring makeover! Each prize pack includes:

*A years supply of Clorox cleaning products including Clorox All-Purpose Cleaner,

Tilex Fresh Shower Daily Cleaner, New Clorox concentrated bleach and more!

*All-purpose cleaning cloths and sponges

*Tile brush

*Latex cleaning gloves

*Bathroom squeegee

*Window chamease

*Dish wand

*A basket to hold all your cleaning supplies

*$100 LIfe Experiences gift card

Contest closes May 6th, 2013

Click here for Contest Rules and Regulations.UrbanMoms.ca members are eligible to win so don't forget to sign-in.

Not a member yet?

Click here to join.

FotoFriday - Fur Friend

2013-04-19T22:22:43Z

Just because I'm in love with the fact that Cuyler is in love with our dog.

and a gratuitous "Cutest Dog Ever" photo!

Dear Mother Nature,

2013-04-17T21:45:51Z

Seriously. What the hell?
I know that April is usually a bit up and own, but really?
Sun, rain, a thunderstorm and then some snow.
We'll hit 25°c Thursday and drop down to -1°c by Saturday.
Did you not consider all of those couples who had planned and hoped for a beautiful April wedding? They probably anticipated rain but likely weren't counting on snow.

Cam and Eva are alright with it, but poor Cuyler.
It's was enough that on March 20th the snow didn't melt and the sun didn't shine warmly down to freckle our faces like it is supposed to in Spring, but you had to pelt us with a bunch of snow and then you smacked us with an ice storm THE SAME NIGHT as a thunderstorm. Do you know how badly you messed with my kid's mind that night?
In his mind, if there's ice then it's too cold for thunder...but NOOOO. You pounded the air with thunder and then had to light up the sky for extra anxiety. Thanks for that.

Now he doesn't know whether or not to wear shorts or a parka. By the looks of it, he'll be needing both this week.

I'm being patient as is everyone else. I trust that you will work out whatever it is that needs to be worked out.
Until then I will keep my toes polished and my capri pants on standby as we await Spring's proper arrival.