By: Cayla from Running, Recipes, and Reading
Tonight I took my daughter, M, to Costco and bought her board shorts, a scrapbooking kit, and a few more things she really doesn't need. Why? Because that one hour we spent together at Costco is probably the most quality time I'm going to get to spend with her this week. And while this is an unusually busy week, it is not so unusual that my sweet little M ends up bearing the brunt of my lack of time.
Since the day she was born, M has not received the attention she deserves. When she was an infant, I left her with a babysitter while I ran around taking B to school, programs, and playdates, justifying it by telling myself that she'll never remember it. When she turned one, I returned to school, and then work, full time, telling myself that it was ok because lots of moms return to work after a year's maternity leave. From there, my time with M always seem to come second to teaching, coaching, running, B, and about a million other things. I left just after she got up in the morning and didn't get home until almost dinnertime. And when my days ended and my to-do list was done, either M was already asleep or I was too tired to spend time with her.
Somewhere along the way, she became the world's most independent child. At the age of two, she proclaimed, "I'm a big girl now," and toilet-trained herself in one day. At the age of four, she packed her own suitcase for a trip...and did such a good job that we had her pack B's bag too, even though he's 3 years older than her. And at the age of six, she taught herself how to set up an email account and sent me an email with an attachment of a movie poster with a subject line reading: Can we see this?
Clearly, this was not a child I felt I had to worry about, making it easier to justify why B got more attention than her. I told myself that its not that I chose to spend more time with B, its just that he required more of my time, whether it was taking him to Doctor's appointments instead of taking her to swimming lessons or going to his school curriculum night instead of hers. But then once in a while, I got these reminders that my not-so-squeaky wheel sometimes needed a little oil, too, such as last summer when the night before leaving for sleepover camp, she ended up in the emergency room being x-rayed for a fractured ankle. I am embarrassed to say that had it not been for that unfortunate accident, I probably wouldn't have spent the night cuddling with M, even though I should have, considering I wasn't going to be seeing her for a month. I am sorry that we had to spend that last night in such a miserable place but am grateful that it allowed me the opportunity to spend so much time alone with her.
M was the main reason I decided to start working part-time this year. I had visions of walking her to school in the morning and walking her home in the afternoon, with lunches and field trips in between. But then, without my consent, life got in the way. My father became very ill and passed away, my class turned out to be a major challenge, and, as you know, B was occupying more and more of my time. So this year, even though I had the best of intentions, not only was I not spending more time with M physically, I wasn't there mentally or emotionally, either. But I didn't realize how much it was affecting her until last night.
M, came home with her first-ever "C" on a test. Her dad and I sat her little 8-year-old butt down and talked to her about it. We discussed how we know she is so smart and how she usually does so well and that she is capable of doing better and she needs to study more and blah, blah, blah...
While we were talking, I could see her face changing. She went from ashamed to sad to angry to finally ending up at frustration. With the tears flowing, she yelled at us, "its not my fault. It's your fault. You didn't help me. I needed you to help me but you didn't!"
You know what? Even though I didn't admit it to her at the time, she's right. I didn't help her out. And I should have. I just didn't know she needed help.
But now I do. And while I can't promise I will be there to walk to her to school everyday or have the energy to lie in bed and have a mother-daughter heart-to-heart every night, I do promise to try to be there for her more than I have been.
Cayla vents muses about her life on her blog, Running, Recipes, and Reading, an integral part of helping her center her life and find the beauty in humanity. Follow her on twitter: @runreadrecipe.
Tonight I took my daughter, M, to Costco and bought her board shorts, a scrapbooking kit, and a few more things she really doesn't need. Why? Because that one hour we spent together at Costco is probably the most quality time I'm going to get to spend with her this week. And while this is an unusually busy week, it is not so unusual that my sweet little M ends up bearing the brunt of my lack of time. Since the day she was born, M has not received the attention she deserves. When she was an infant, I left her with a babysitter while I ran around taking B to school, programs, and playdates, justifying it by telling myself that she'll never remember it. When she turned one, I returned to school, and then work, full time, telling myself that it was ok because lots of moms return to work after a year's maternity leave. From there, my time with M always seem to come second to teaching, coaching, running, B, and about a million other things. I left just after she got up in the morning and didn't get home until almost dinnertime. And when my days ended and my to-do list was done, either M was already asleep or I was too tired to spend time with her.
Somewhere along the way, she became the world's most independent child. At the age of two, she proclaimed, "I'm a big girl now," and toilet-trained herself in one day. At the age of four, she packed her own suitcase for a trip...and did such a good job that we had her pack B's bag too, even though he's 3 years older than her. And at the age of six, she taught herself how to set up an email account and sent me an email with an attachment of a movie poster with a subject line reading: Can we see this?
Clearly, this was not a child I felt I had to worry about, making it easier to justify why B got more attention than her. I told myself that its not that I chose to spend more time with B, its just that he required more of my time, whether it was taking him to Doctor's appointments instead of taking her to swimming lessons or going to his school curriculum night instead of hers. But then once in a while, I got these reminders that my not-so-squeaky wheel sometimes needed a little oil, too, such as last summer when the night before leaving for sleepover camp, she ended up in the emergency room being x-rayed for a fractured ankle. I am embarrassed to say that had it not been for that unfortunate accident, I probably wouldn't have spent the night cuddling with M, even though I should have, considering I wasn't going to be seeing her for a month. I am sorry that we had to spend that last night in such a miserable place but am grateful that it allowed me the opportunity to spend so much time alone with her.
M was the main reason I decided to start working part-time this year. I had visions of walking her to school in the morning and walking her home in the afternoon, with lunches and field trips in between. But then, without my consent, life got in the way. My father became very ill and passed away, my class turned out to be a major challenge, and, as you know, B was occupying more and more of my time. So this year, even though I had the best of intentions, not only was I not spending more time with M physically, I wasn't there mentally or emotionally, either. But I didn't realize how much it was affecting her until last night.
M, came home with her first-ever "C" on a test. Her dad and I sat her little 8-year-old butt down and talked to her about it. We discussed how we know she is so smart and how she usually does so well and that she is capable of doing better and she needs to study more and blah, blah, blah...
While we were talking, I could see her face changing. She went from ashamed to sad to angry to finally ending up at frustration. With the tears flowing, she yelled at us, "its not my fault. It's your fault. You didn't help me. I needed you to help me but you didn't!"
You know what? Even though I didn't admit it to her at the time, she's right. I didn't help her out. And I should have. I just didn't know she needed help.
But now I do. And while I can't promise I will be there to walk to her to school everyday or have the energy to lie in bed and have a mother-daughter heart-to-heart every night, I do promise to try to be there for her more than I have been.
Cayla vents muses about her life on her blog, Running, Recipes, and Reading, an integral part of helping her center her life and find the beauty in humanity. Follow her on twitter: @runreadrecipe.
I am so sad for your daughter. I was that child, although there were 6 kids which made it easier to justify than with two. While I grew up very bright and independent, I also was detached from my mother which has caused me problems bonding to my own children, which I recognized and fixed. I really hope you realize the gravity of what you are doing, and fix it before she is too damaged.
I empathise at how easy it can be to overlook the needs of one child who doesn't pipe up about wants or needs... it's not called a juggling act for nothing. At least you can see the error here now... hang in there. Keep letting her know you're happy to see her. :)
Cayla I loved your post. It is so honest and thoughtful. I can certainly relate to your struggle. My older daughter requires a lot more of my attention and support. I too have been guilty of leaving my younger daughter to work things through on her own. Thanks for reminding me that while it may appear that my younger daughter doesn't need me as much, she really does.
Cayla, I can completely relate. My second daughter was very sick when my oldest was just one and a half. I was required to spend over a year going back and forth to the hospital. And while, I recognize that it was not my fault, I still am extremely guilty for leaving my eldest. She was too young to understand why, but said to me "why cant we spend time together like the time you spend with H at the hospital". That was 6 years ago, and I still havent gotten over the guilt. Thanks for reminding me that all kids need attention.
I can totally relate but not exactly in the same way. I have two kids and I find that one is usually much more demanding than the other. The difference is that it switches depending on what is going on with them developmentally. Sometimes it is my son and sometimes my daughter. My son is so easy going but as he enters adolescence I find him more needy where my daughter is just finding her independence.
Great post!
Once again great insight Cayla. As moms we can all relate to this story. I know I can. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. It always helps to know that others have felt the same way when raising two unique children.
Wow. What a powerful post. Thank you for sharing, and reminding us that even the ones we can "depend on" need to depend on us as well.
I'd suggest talking to her and telling her the truth. She seems bright and would appreciate your honesty about this. Also she could keep you accountable if you slip back into your old tendencies. If the lines of communication are opened she'll find you easier to approach when she needs help with something else in the future.
Will the two of you be scrapbooking together? That sounds like great bonding time. You could even take a class together.
I can only feel the same way. Our youngest gets the most attention in our household as well. But I try very hard every single day to make everything equal.
I call it the circle of guilt, because I never know if I am equal to both. Or to me and the girls.
Being a mom is the HARDEST Job of my intire life. It is easier for me to learn chinese and japanese at the same time then being a "perfect" mom.
But most of all I put my expertation of being a mom extremly high, I believe it's because of all those american shows and movies I was watching since I can remember. I believe this puts the most pressure on me.
I keep also telling myself I have to work, everyone has to. But also I am not a play mom. It seems to be more easy for me to cook, clean, read stories and run around with my head shopped off as sitting down and playing tea party or barbies with my girls.
I try very hard to have as much time as possible for my girls, but feel the gilt, every single day. I work 21 days per months, beside I study photography. So there isn't very much time for anything... But also must say the photograhpy usually doesn't start to put in place before the girls are in bed. And I do take lately time to read every night to my girls, sometimes I take even extra time to sing to them, I know it sounds wired, but seriously, the day is just not long enough. Especially for us working moms!!
There we go, my circle of guilt, I really hope we all can outbrake it and just enjoy every single moment with all of our children equaly, because, THE TIME JUST DON"T COME BACK. Once the day is over, it's gone and all it's left is our memories!!
I try to keep this in my mind 24/7
This is exactly the way I feel! I am terrible at playing...have never been able to sit and play lego for hours. Instead, we do a lot of "real" things together, like gardening and cooking, and we go on a lot of "field trips" like hiking, bookstores, farmer's markets, etc...
As an update, I have become a lot more cognizant of spending time with M and have booked off from work next week when she gets braces (yikes!). The old me would have driven her there and had our Nanny take her home but the new me is recognizing that my class will survive a day without me while the first day of braces is a mom-must-be-there moment.