By Maija from maijasmommymoments.com "Did you keep the receipt?"
"I think so. Don't you like it?"
"I hate it. I can't believe you would buy this for me."
Any other mother in the entire world would have faked a smile and a thank you and tucked the purse away for strategic appearances that included only close family. Or they would have loved it because I bought it - because their child bought it.
Mother's Day changed for me that day. In fact my whole life has changed because of my mother.
I am a casualty of mental illness - my mother's mental illness.
As the daughter of a bipolar-depressed-alcoholic-sociopath I have spent much of my life - for all intents and purposes - motherless.
She functioned so well from 9 to 5 in her high level executive job and then was incoherent or passed out on our couch from the cheap white wine she consumed by the bottle.
She called her manic moments parenting and I learned to lie about where I was and what I was doing not knowing when she would care and when she would not.
When my now husband and I told her we were getting married she said she was going to be "sick". Two months after the wedding in fear of her reaction I emailed her the news I was pregnant and she told everyone she could that she was elated she was going to be a grandmother.
Still, she's never taken the time to learn how to actually spell her grandchildren's names.
Those were and continue to be the ups and downs of my mother and therefore the ups and downs of our mother-daughter relationship.
The way I see it, with Mother's Day right around the corner I can do what I've always done which is to ask my mother for a list of presents she would like and activities that would make her feel celebrated, dress the children up and prepare for the "show", playing into what it means to be the daughter of a sociopath. Or I can just not. Just not do anything.
This year I am choosing the latter. This year I am having a motherless Mother's Day by choice.
I am reclaiming my Mother's Day and making it my own and making it what I want Mother's Day to be.
There will be no large gifts, no hours of pampering and definitely no show. If I am lucky my children will let me sleep in passed 6am and then I will be woken up with screams and giggles and "Happy Mother's Day".
I will kiss and snuggle them until they protest and then they will give me handmade gifts they created at school that I will cherish always.
Then there will be coffee.
I will call my grandmother and thank her for everything. By everything I truly mean everything. Where my mother failed, my grandmother rescued. Where I could have been lost, she gave me a firm understanding of who I am, where I come from and that I am forever loved.
Though thank you will never be enough, I will call and I will thank and I will hope that she knows how much she is adored.
I will join my children in celebrating their own grandmothers. The ones that know how to spell their names. The ones that are there for them even when no one is watching. My mother-in-law and my step-mother are the most amazing grandmothers I could ask for my children and on Mother's Day, although they will protest, they deserve to be celebrated.
I urge you all to reclaim your own Mother's Day. To make this Mother's Day one you will cherish always. For me, it means ridding myself of expectations and guilt and removing the label of casualty at least for one day.
This year Mother's Day will be about how I mother and not how my mother attempted it. I will hold my children close and make the day special for them and most of all when I'm presented with a pre-schooler painted flower pot you will hear me say:
"Thank you! It's beautiful! I will love it forever!"
They will always remember those words, just like I will always remember my mother's.
Maija is a working mother of 3 + 1 (the +1 being her teenage sister and NOT her husband). She is the proud wife of a police officer for the last *gasp* nine years and regularly relies on drive-thru dinners on ballet nights. You can find Maija and all her mayhem at maijasmommymoments.com , facebook.com/MommyMoments or twitter.com/MommyMoments .
Maija - I'm trying to put into words what I felt reading your post. It has moved me. Good for you for reclaiming this day for you and your kids. I'm my constant boohoo'ing about my mom being dead, I sometimes lose sight of the fact that when she was here I had it pretty great. I wish you and everyone with difficult parents could have had it better - it feels like a gigantic rip off. I'll think of you on Sunday!
Sara,
I've actually considered what is worse - living with my mother's manic moments or actually not having her here. I've written about it a bit, but that personal internal debate is hard to write about some days.
Neither of our situations are that fantastic. Being without a mom, whether because of death or mental illness sucks plain and simply.
I think what's important is that we hold on to the good memories and the lessons we learned from living through these situations.
Thank you so much for commenting!
Maija
Thank you for sharing your story, Maija. I am so in awe of you. You are such a fabulous mom despite your own mother and have managed to find inspiration from others and honor them here. Happy Mother's Day!
Jen - thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to write for UrbanMoms.
That is a true honour!
I hope that sharing this story with all of us helps in a small way, Maija - it is such a touching and personal post and I can't imagine it was easy to write. I hope you get the coffee and the sleeping past 6am this Sunday, you truly deserve it!
a brave and honest telling. Thank you for it. Life is full of so much. Thank you for helping us understand this struggle.
Do you ever feel you get to have another shot at childhood through your children?
Happy Mother's Day, Maija. May you be well celebrated.
Nancy - that's an interesting question. I've never really considered another shot at childhood through my children. With the responsibility of parenting (and being the wife of a shiftworker so a single parent much of the time), I'm not even really sure what that would look like.
What I do feel like I have a shot at is breaking the cycle.
My mother has a mental illness, my mother's mother also had significant mental illness and I'm pretty sure my mother's sister(s) have some form of mental illness (though they don't talk to me so I can't be sure).
While I think some of it is a pre-disposition my mother's illness is definitely hightened by alcoholism.
I'm committed to breaking that cycle for myself and for my sister (whom we are raising).
Which also means that I am committed to being the best mom I can be for my children.
I don't live my life as though I've missed out on a childhood - I just had a different type of one.
The kind I don't want my children to have (well pieces of it any way).
I was well loved (even by my mom in her own way), well cared for and had opportunities some children didn't get to have. I just wasn't well-mothered and that will forever leave an impression.
It took me a long time to understand this and to "sort-of" come to terms with it.
But what took me less than half a second to know (when my first daughter was put into my arms moments after her birth) was that I was a different kind of mother than my own and that in itself was an accomplishment.
Thank you for commenting!
Maija
What a beautiful and emotional post. Thank you for letting us in :)
A very powerful post, Maija, and inspiring. It gives me great comfort to know that you were able to overcome the challenges posed by your mother's mental illness. You're right to celebrate your grandmothers and take back your own mother's day. Enjoy those wonderful preschool flowers and little kid hugs!
Grandmothers are so important! I wish you all grandmothers like my own and like my step-mother and mother-in-law are to my children.
I'll be posting pictures of the pre-school flower pots (or whatever this year's mother's day craft is) so don't you worry I will be enjoying them all (Hugs included!).
Thank you for your very very kind words.
Maija
I so admire your strength, Maija. Thanks for sharing your story.
Jennifer - I'm humbled by you suggesting I have strength. Sometimes I wonder if it's necessity more than anything.
That being said, there are so many women and so many mother's who struggle with much more than I do and I admire their strength.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Maija
So pleased you are going to take after YOU! That's the only logical response in your situation. I am truly sad for your mom who is clearly very ill but, at some point, we all have to move on and take care of ourselves & our own families. Thank goodness you came out of the situation strong.
Maija
Just to be clear for me the second shot at childhood is mainly giving yourself that innocence again, the magic and the wonderment- that was either interrupted or maybe not entirely possible for you the first time.
I wish you every good thing. You sound just amazing. And yes, very strong. Happy Mom's day-n
Nancy - I completely understand what you are saying now (my apologies).
YES YES and YES.
I allow myself to get lost in the innocence and the magic and the wonderment (all perfect words by the way) of every moment of my children's childhood (okay - not the puking ones but you know what I mean).
I want to get lost in Christmas and Concerts and Dance Recitals through their eyes and not the expectant eyes of my mother that I grew up with (if she even came).
I want to be present for my children and not drunk.
I want them to grow up in the innocence of the knowledge that their mother (and so many others) love them fully, completely, unquestionably.
I want all of this for them and for me. So if that's what you mean by a second shot at childhood then YES YES and YES!!!
Wow Maiija,
Thank you for sharing. I have a fair bit of mental illness and addiction in my family and I know what it is like to live with. It is very, very hard. And people do not understand it. Fortunately, my mother is not one of those who are ill or addicted. I can't imagine. You are a strong woman.
Happy Mother's Day.
I asked a friend what she was doing for her Mom for Mothers Day, and she said nothing ... other than call and maybe a card. But no gift, no dinner. Which is what we do with our parents (my mom and MIL) but they are both quite a distance away, whereas hers is quite close. So I was curious as to her decision and what she said was as the Mom of two young kids, her view was "I love my Mom, and appreciate my Mom, but really - I am grown now. And I am the one who is currently doing daily (24/7!) mothering, so now Mothers Day should be about me!" So for all the Moms who struggle between having Mothers Day for themselves vs trying to please all moms/grandmothers well ... I just thought that was such a reasonable and refreshing way to look at things! So point in your case is - you should celebrate in your family on Mothers Day, the women who are doing the most amount of current mothering, with honorary mention to those who did exceptional mothering jobs in the past ... which I think from reading your post is exactly what you did! :)